I might not have what it takes to ctb.

[dandan]

For some reasons, i'm still here.

Q.- Will I be able to catch the bus one day?
A.- Maybe, I had two previous attempts, my last attempt was 8 months ago, when I supposedly was the father of a 1 year old baby, with a woman I met and had sex only once , and she wanted 35%-40% of my monthly salary paycheck..... I didnt love her... I already had suicidal thoughts, but the baby, the responsability with lack of love was the trigger to actually try ctb with the Nitrogen Method.

Q.- So you had what it takes? Now that you are not the father of the baby, whats stopping you?
A.- Embarrasing my mom, and the life my mom would have to live being the mother of the beautiful young man who killed himself. I would damage her a lot! I cant do that! But im having a really awful existance,,,,, what to do then? damm...

I am concluding I might not have what it takes to drink my N... maybe not this weekend... but if i'm not killing myself, I should at least try to accept and enjoy life!!

any comments, thoughts or suggestions?

 

[FauxEmotions]

If you aren't going to kill yourself, I definitely recommend accepting it and trying your best to enjoy life. Otherwise, there's no real point to continue. Like, why stick around knowing it'll be X amount of years of more misery?

 

[DeadlyLiving]

It might sound harsh especially if you love your mother & family, but you can't just live for them. In the end you are the one that has to bear the pain or misery you suffer. But maybe there is a way you can make it look like an accident rather than suicide, so that it is easier for your mom.

 

[Cookiedough8956]

If you aren't going to kill yourself, I definitely recommend accepting it and trying your best to enjoy life. Otherwise, there's no real point to continue. Like, why stick around knowing it'll be X amount of years of more misery?

Very good point

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I am concluding I might not have what it takes to drink my N... maybe not this weekend... but if i'm not killing myself, I should at least try to accept and enjoy life!!

any comments, thoughts or suggestions?

First, I'm sorry someone tried to extort you. At least that's what it sounded like to me from your description--I don't want to offend anyone who feels about the situation differently. Men's reproductive rights are almost as volatile a subject as suicide, but it's a documented strong driver of male suicide.

Second, there are lots of reasons people who wish they'd never been born don't commit suicide. Many on this site refer to "survival instinct." Killing ourselves isn't easy. But I think the million-dollar question really is how someone accepts life and (tries to...) enjoys it. One of the most popular courses from my school days was nick-named "Living The Good Life." Towards the end of the course, many of us furtively shared with each other our huge disappointment; we'd read a lot of opinions about what "the good life" is but not once learned how to live it. Even as late-teens/early twenty-somethings, that's what we were all looking for. Especially on a site like this one, everyone has a lot to say about what "the good life" is. For me, what's most telling is that so few of us (arguably so few people all over the world) actually live it.

If you can accept life and enjoy it, more power to you. Many, many, many of us have tried. Over and over again. And consistently failed. Hence, here we are. Best of luck to you.

 

[dandan]

It might sound harsh especially if you love your mother & family, but you can't just live for them. In the end you are the one that has to bear the pain or misery you suffer. But maybe there is a way you can make it look like an accident rather than suicide, so that it is easier for your mom.

I already tried the car accident method, didnt work, I ended up completely loosing my car, and 15 days unconsious, I wouldnt know what accident to pretend to have now. Any ideas?

If you aren't going to kill yourself, I definitely recommend accepting it and trying your best to enjoy life. Otherwise, there's no real point to continue. Like, why stick around knowing it'll be X amount of years of more misery?

Sure, thats what i'm talking about, but its so damm hard, specially after loosing all that money... Now I've got no friends, and im not a social person, which I need to be a little to enjoy life I guess.... like having a gf is hard.... last beautiful girl I went out with, she was as lonely as I am... we were not the best couple..
I understand your point of view, I surely loved to adopt it, the thing is.... it hasnt been easy, because then old regrets come back hitting hard. regrets, and blames, and attempts to forgiveness, and ego and thoughts...

But I think the million-dollar question really is how someone accepts life and (tries to...) enjoys it......Many, many, many of us have tried. Over and over again. And consistently failed. Hence, here we are. Best of luck to you.

this

 

[FauxEmotions]

I already tried the car accident method, didnt work, I ended up completely loosing my car, and 15 days unconsious, I wouldnt know what accident to pretend to have now. Any ideas?


Sure, thats what i'm talking about, but its so damm hard, specially after loosing all that money... Now I've got no friends, and im not a social person, which I need to be a little to enjoy life I guess.... like having a gf is hard.... last beautiful girl I went out with, she was as lonely as I am... we were not the best couple..
I understand your point of view, I surely loved to adopt it, the thing is.... it hasnt been easy, because then old regrets come back hitting hard. regrets, and blames, and attempts to forgiveness, and ego and thoughts...


this

Oh my friend, I haven't even fully adopted it myself. It's always easier to give advice. I'm currently in a weird spot in life where I'm just existing in this world, just punching in my "typical adult responsibilities" and then just filling in the time in between with whatever I can (video games, drugs, shitty tv and podcasts). No joy, but also not completely in pain. Like, I've already experienced so much more in this life than I thought I would, I'm ready to see what comes next, or just return my body to whatever energy it was before this mess. I always thought I was a late bloomer... but my life definitely peaked way too early.

 

[dandan]

There's so many things I have not yet accomplished or lived, maybe many I wont never live..... but even so... ctb is hard, I dont want my mom to be the mother of the beautiful promising young man who killed himself....

 

[FauxEmotions]

There's so many things I have not yet accomplished or lived, maybe many I wont never live..... but even so... ctb is hard, I dont want my mom to be the mother of the beautiful promising young man who killed himself....

My mother is also the biggest reason I can't fully step onto the bus.

 

[Sick Boy]

I can relate to,i´ve been a member of this community since octuber 2018,and i still don´t have the guts to do partial,
i need to find the courage to ctb Soon,

 

[DeadlyLiving]

I already tried the car accident method, didnt work, I ended up completely loosing my car, and 15 days unconsious, I wouldnt know what accident to pretend to have now. Any ideas?

BBQ in a tent for a carbon monoxide poisoning or maybe shallow water blackout? Sadly they are the only ones that come to my mind

 

[dandan]

I can relate to,i´ve been a member of this community since octuber 2018,and i still don´t have the guts to do partial,
i need to find the courage to ctb Soon,

we either find a way to live or otherwise the way to ctb.....

its a two sided coin.... dont you think?

 

[bigj75]

I'm happy for you in your endeavors!

 

[Sick Boy]

we either find a way to live or otherwise the way to ctb.....

its a two sided coin.... dont you think?

i just don´t see myself living for the next 2 years,i´m tired and scared of life,i don´t think i´ll ever find a way to live

 

[dandan]

i just don´t see myself living for the next 2 years,i´m tired and scared of life,i don´t think i´ll ever find a way to live

oh im so sorry, I can see myself living for two years, but im afraid I only see problems, and challenges, need to make a lot of effort to end up with nothing... sadly ....

I wish you the best...


Actually I am in a gray zone... I dont know whats going on.... if I'll be able to live life or not....

I really dont know... but I wish I could create an aggresive positive mind? or forced style positivity?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

oh im so sorry, I can see myself living for two years, but im afraid I only see problems, and challenges, need to make a lot of effort to end up with nothing... sadly ....

I wish you the best...


Actually I am in a gray zone... I dont know whats going on.... if I'll be able to live life or not....

I really dont know... but I wish I could create an aggresive positive mind? or forced style positivity?

My fantasy NOW is the near perfection of the Sarco Machine and its adoption by more and more pro-choice governments. If there were a place I could go to have others take care of everything, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'm just too cowardly to do everything on my own, especially if I have to wait between starting the method and being gone.

 

[FauxEmotions]

oh im so sorry, I can see myself living for two years, but im afraid I only see problems, and challenges, need to make a lot of effort to end up with nothing... sadly ....

I wish you the best...


Actually I am in a gray zone... I dont know whats going on.... if I'll be able to live life or not....

I really dont know... but I wish I could create an aggresive positive mind? or forced style positivity?

Forced positivity/positive mind can only go so far. Unfortunately the brain is a mother fucker. I know everyone is different but Brody Stevens (comedian/actor) was all about positive thinking, looking at the positive side of everything but it's clear he didn't fully live it himself/finally lost the battle as he hung himself this passed February. :( he was a light in the comedy world too. From the best of the best to open mic'ers he was a the best person to have in your corner. He was the most open about mental health and his struggle I've ever seen a person be. I would rarely miss a periscope he did and I wish I would have caught his last one as it really seemed like he was off.

 

[SeekingSolace]

I wish it was easier. I know no matter how unhappy I am, I will be stuck on earth until either an accident, illness, or something else out of my control takes me out. I am too much of a wimp to end it on my own; and I feel too much guilt concerning the few people I would leave behind that I'll likely never try. I feel stuck...and I don't know how it's possible to feel so hollow and filled with pain at the same time.

After rereading this post, I sound dramatic. I'm having a rough time, I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you @dandan.

 

[dandan]

..... I'm just too cowardly to do everything on my own, especially if I have to wait between starting the method and being gone....

I know you are against N.... I'll never agree nor understand, but I respect you....

you wouldn't need to wait or prepare anything... except opening the bottles, pouring them in a tall glass, and drink them down.... sure with antiemetics 1 hour before, and a light snack... maybe some fentoin* to potentiate N...

Forced positivity/positive mind can only go so far. Unfortunately the brain is a mother fucker. I know everyone is different but Brody Stevens (comedian/actor) was all about positive thinking, looking at the positive side of everything but it's clear he didn't fully live it himself/finally lost the battle as he hung himself this passed February. :( he was a light in the comedy world too. From the best of the best to open mic'ers he was a the best person to have in your corner. He was the most open about mental health and his struggle I've ever seen a person be. I would rarely miss a periscope he did and I wish I would have caught his last one as it really seemed like he was off.

Believe me, learning to be funny would be incredible!!

Yeah, I might buy a Writing Comedy Secrets at amazon books... If I learned to write comedy or do comedy, would definitely change something.... even if still suicidal... I would put thing on a different lense... .no matter if on the long run I still ctb... few years is alright

Forced positivity/positive mind can only go so far. Unfortunately the brain is a mother fucker. I know everyone is different but Brody Stevens (comedian/actor) was all about positive thinking, looking at the positive side of everything but it's clear he didn't fully live it himself/finally lost the battle as he hung himself this passed February. :( he was a light in the comedy world too. From the best of the best to open mic'ers he was a the best person to have in your corner. He was the most open about mental health and his struggle I've ever seen a person be. I would rarely miss a periscope he did and I wish I would have caught his last one as it really seemed like he was off.

do you know or have any idea if there is anything regarding how Brody Stevens tried to see life? any article where he talks about this, and how I could model him?

I can google, but you might know better.

I wish it was easier. I know no matter how unhappy I am, I will be stuck on earth until either an accident, illness, or something else out of my control takes me out. I am too much of a wimp to end it on my own; and I feel too much guilt concerning the few people I would leave behind that I'll likely never try. I feel stuck...and I don't know how it's possible to feel so hollow and filled with pain at the same time.

After rereading this post, I sound dramatic. I'm having a rough time, I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you @dandan.

i'm so sorry you have such a hard time
aint we all somehow?
yes

 

[lizinha]

Same. Idk why i'm still here

 

[FauxEmotions]

I feel as though if one is still here, deep down they don't want to die. I know it's cliche to say the light at the end of the tunnel, or there's always room for happiness but considering the way others pass with "odd materials" makes me believe it.

 

[lululoo]

I feel as though if one is still here, deep down they don't want to die. I know it's cliche to say the light at the end of the tunnel, or there's always room for happiness but considering the way others pass with "odd materials" makes me believe it.

Completely disagree. Some people start thinking of suicide long before they are ready to do it, for various reasons. And plenty of members of this site have come for a while and then gone through with it. Also logically what you are saying makes no sense. Everyone is "still here" until the moment they do it, and then they do it. Because they want to die.

Ok maybe I'm making no sense. I'm tired.

 

[FauxEmotions]

Completely disagree. Some people start thinking of suicide long before they are ready to do it, for various reasons. And plenty of members of this site have come for a while and then gone through with it. Also logically what you are saying makes no sense. Everyone is "still here" until the moment they do it, and then they do it. Because they want to die.

Ok maybe I'm making no sense. I'm tired.

Oh no that makes sense. Of course it's never black or white. I was thinking survival instinct is that deep down feeling of not wanting to die because it doesnt seem to affect those in jail/institutions or with materials that wouldn't seem to work. Also, I didn't mean here as in the forum, I meant here as still alive.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Completely disagree. Some people start thinking of suicide long before they are ready to do it, for various reasons. And plenty of members of this site have come for a while and then gone through with it. Also logically what you are saying makes no sense. Everyone is "still here" until the moment they do it, and then they do it. Because they want to die.

Ok maybe I'm making no sense. I'm tired.

No, you're making great sense! Thanks for making this comment!

 

[dandan]

Today I woke up and I dont want to die, but I dont want to suffer anymore... damm...

 

[SeekingSolace]

Today I woke up and I dont want to die, but I dont want to suffer anymore... damm...

I know the feeling. I'm trying to stay positive. I hope you have a good day.

 

[BrokenMess]

So tired of hoping and praying at night to wake up feeling like a normal person, only to continue to feel depressed and anxious or worse than the previous day. I'm also stuck in the in between. No longer want to live but too afraid to end it.

 

[dandan]

So tired of hoping and praying at night to wake up feeling like a normal person, only to continue to feel depressed and anxious or worse than the previous day. I'm also stuck in the in between. No longer want to live but too afraid to end it.

I know, it makes me mad, I've been in same situation many times... .sometimes I feel hopeless, and doomed,
today it makes me so mad...

 

[BrokenMess]

I know, it makes me mad, I've been in same situation many times... .sometimes I feel hopeless, and doomed,
today it makes me so mad...

Makes me angry every day. I look at my life like yah, I have endured a lot of shit. Shit that haunts me. But I also have many blessings, esp my 2 amazing kids. They should be more than enough to make me happy. And they do make me happy. I just cant be a happy person. People always assume we should be happy because our life may look a certain way. But it's not about the way things look. My brain just doesnt function the way I wish it would. I will never be able to be happy, not with this brain inside my body, no matter what I do or how many blessings I have. Pisses me off

 

[Jean Améry]

Self-knowledge is the beginning of all wisdom. If you don't think you will be able to do this (regardless of whether you'd want to or not) you should look into ways to improve your life and forget about the idea of suicide altogether.

It's no use to dwell on something you'll probably never do. If you can't die live to the best of your ability.

I think you've learned about yourself and will grow because of it. Good for you.