Help i might give up on ctb, but the price would be to leave everything behind

[ecmnesia]

i am cornered. after many attempts of recovery, i see either two choices: suicide or leaving everything behind and starting again, from scratch. i am too tired of dicussing wether or not i should ctb, that's not what i am asking for here.

college, family, society, friends, all became a burden to me, and ctb is a way of escaping it. i can't live in this enviroment any longer, so i either die or leave. here is the thing, although facing abusive parents, i have never ever been through any difficulties, i never starved, i never worked, i don't know what it is like to live outside the protection of my parents, who raised me inside walls, with no contact with real life. i saw how life goes outside the fairy tale they made up, but i've only experienced it as an observer, i did not live it. i don't know what it is to struggle.

i am 21, female, from brazil, living in a big city, don't own a passaport, have no experience whatsoever with work, am in the middle of med school (only have theoretical knowledge), have no manual abilities, no talent or dream i wish to exploit, don't drive, own no posessions, roughly own 500 dollars.

what would i need to leave everything behind and just travel around without a purpose? how likely, if it's possible at all, am i to succeed? i wouldn't know where to start if i choose this option, that's why ctb is a easier option for me. i am okay with waiting a few months before leaving, but I'd quit college (now a major reason why i am desperate to ctb), even though i dont know how to explain this decision to my over controlling parents. what would i need to do to prepare myself before leaving? how long would it take? how could i survive this journey?

i am sorry if this is poorly written. and please do not sugarcoat things for me, be honest.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

I have read all the posts you have posted and thought about them just FYI OP.
Liek it totally seems as if you are reasonable of mind and see that you could escape your hell by making some changes and fantastic job for considering this 10/10.
Ok so i think you should just do it!! just fly away!! if it gets terrible you can always ctb!!

Are you street smart? as a woman you need to be careful of men on the street I am serous as if you do not need to be careful of them in general anyway.
You do not need to explian it to your parents if you cah help it.
Take your paperwork and any money then just set off and go.
Become a roaming philosopher like Diogenes or work on writing your very own epic.

 

[ecmnesia]

I have read all the posts you have posted and thought about them just FYI OP.
Liek it totally seems as if you are reasonable of mind and see that you could escape your hell by making some changes and fantastic job for considering this 10/10.
Ok so i think you should just do it!! just fly away!! if it gets terrible you can always ctb!!

Are you street smart? as a woman you need to be careful of men on the street I am serous as if you do not need to be careful of them in general anyway.
You do not need to explian it to your parents if you cah help it.
Take your paperwork and any money then just set off and go.
Become a roaming philosopher like Diogenes or work on writing your very own epic.

i am not completely ignorant, but i wouldn't consider myself street smart. i don't know where to go to be honest. i thought that i maybe would need to purchase some things first, like a good backpack, good shoes, maybe a tent. I'd need to get a passport and a working license (don't know what the real name is) as i have none.

i mean i want to do this. but i am fucking lost.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

Ultimately, that is for you to decide. It is a huge leap of fate, but if you are willing to drop everything and see the world for yourself, then why not? You said your other choice is to CTB but given that, there is nothing holding you back from dropping school, leaving your parents, and creating new experiences.
You need to plan profusely. Figure out where you will stay, learn to budget, find a job, and work your way up to a new life. It will be hard as hell, but in case things don't work out, you can say you died trying. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you luck and I am rooting for you

 

[ecmnesia]

i think i need to find a place to go first. somewhere cheap to live in, where i could at the same time find some work opportunity. i wouldnt like to become a hooker to be honest.

i feel like a fucking child on this post. sorry.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

i am not completely ignorant, but i wouldn't consider myself street smart. i don't know where to go to be honest. i thought that i maybe would need to purchase some things first, like a good backpack, good shoes, maybe a tent. I'd need to get a passport and a working license (don't know what the real name is) as i have none.

i mean i want to do this. but i am fucking lost.

Street smartz are laregly impossible to learn from a book and require high level of social skills.
It is deceptive arithmetic where a wrong answer leads to you having your head jumped on or worse.

Just get your shit and do it seriously you will be glad you did either way as it may push you to ctb or to get into a better position in life.
it really sounds like this is an option to exhaust before ctb.
Youmay have seen mein chat and on here enough to know I usually would not give two thoughts about someone deciding to ctb but I think this is a good chance.
Also fyi peopel do exactly this a lot in life and I have heard from people who it has worked for so go fir it.

 

[ecmnesia]

i don't really want to do anything great. it'd be enough for me if I could eat, watch tv, read and listen to music. nothing else i want honestly.

your advice was actually really useful @OopsIdidntwanttodie. i need to calm down a little and do some planning.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

i am not completely ignorant, but i wouldn't consider myself street smart. i don't know where to go to be honest. i thought that i maybe would need to purchase some things first, like a good backpack, good shoes, maybe a tent. I'd need to get a passport and a working license (don't know what the real name is) as i have none.

i mean i want to do this. but i am fucking lost.

I don't know how brazil works but maybe you can find a job that does not require a working license or passport? Is there anyone you can stay with until you can get off your feet?

 

[AutoTap]

It's possible to run away from others but it isn't possible to run away from yourself. I wish you the best

 

[ecmnesia]

Street smartz are laregly impossible to learn from a book and require high level of social skills.
It is deceptive arithmetic where a wrong answer leads to you having your head jumped on or worse.

Just get your shit and do it seriously you will be glad you did either way as it may push you to ctb or to get into a better position in life.
it really sounds like this is an option to exhaust before ctb.
Youmay have seen mein chat and on here enough to know I usually would not give two thoughts about someone deciding to ctb but I think this is a good chance.
Also fyi peopel do exactly this a lot in life and I have heard from people who it has worked for so go fir it.

not much to lose anyway right? thanks for that. i can only ctb anyway if shit goes down the drain .

 

[hoping to lose hope]

not much to lose anyway right? thanks for that. i can only ctb anyway if shit goes down the drain .

This exactly although life can always get much much worse.

 

[ecmnesia]

I don't know how brazil works but maybe you can find a job that does not require a working license or passport? Is there anyone you can stay with until you can get off your feet?

I could probably find something, it's best for the employer actually, as he wouldn't have to pay any taxes. the passport would be so i could travel around the world, but i guess that can be taken care of lately.

unfortunately, there isn't.
I'll try to use this quarantine time to get ready i guess. it'd be hard to find a job right now i think.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

Just pan handle if you must.

 

[deathbyginger]

hey there. starting over is never a bad idea :) I did it myself. and trust me, it did make a difference to just break the routine. best of luck to whatever you decide. I think you should give it a shot because you could find something that you really love about the world. considering moving to a rural area.

 

[ecmnesia]

just remembered I have a few med books i could sell, plus my stethoscope. i guess i could try that, to get a few more bucks.

 

[foxdie]

I'm sorry for you struggles OP, it's tough. This is a life I would've been living right now if not for covid. We living in shitty times eh? A good backpack, shoes, tent and passport is a great start. I've gone on 2 long backpacking trips in my life and it changed me forever. My first one I was the same age as you. I went to Brazil on my 2nd one during Carnival. Was so much fun. I'd say do it if you can but be careful and maybe avoid places that have handled covid imcompetently. You may not have "street sense" but common sense is your strongest weapon anyway.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

I could probably find something, it's best for the employer actually, as he wouldn't have to pay any taxes. the passport would be so i could travel around the world, but i guess that can be taken care of lately.

unfortunately, there isn't.
I'll try to use this quarantine time to get ready i guess. it'd be hard to find a job right now i think.

I can't imagine how stressful this all is. All I can say is that I am proud of you for giving life a shot at least one more time before you make the final decision. After all, med school is tough and I know how hard it is to live up to everyone's expectations. I sincerely wish you the greatest of luck.

 

[VivaldiBR]

Tu não gosta de medicina?

 

[ecmnesia]

Tu não gosta de medicina?

ja gostei. hoje em dia é só um fardo. que inclusive tem me feito apressar ctb por não querer lidar com ele.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

i think i need to find a place to go first. somewhere cheap to live in, where i could at the same time find some work opportunity. i wouldnt like to become a hooker to be honest.

i feel like a fucking child on this post. sorry.

Is there any women's shelters you can seek refuge in? Or a church where women can seek shelter? I do not know what the social net is like in Brazil.

 

[Deleted member 94]

i don't really want to do anything great. it'd be enough for me if I could eat, watch tv, read and listen to music. nothing else i want honestly.

your advice was actually really useful @OopsIdidntwanttodie. i need to calm down a little and do some planning.

Can't do anything without money you would need to pace yourself by getting a job before setting off on your own, 500 dollars won't get you anywhere.

 

[WornOutLife]

I was going to ask how old you are and I see you're 21 so yeah, in spite of all your ploblems, you can start from zero. The key is to FEEL LIKE DOING IT. (I struggle against that day by day.)
Wish you the best with whatever decision you make and also, you can count on me!

Hugs

 

[Deleted member 23374]

Then do it. Part of the effort will be for you to figure shit out basically. It's kind of the rule. =/
If anything you won't really be losing anything, you might even gain something, not being dopey about that,
just saying it's possible.

What's the state of the church where you are ?
When i needed to be a person and just a person, i would go and help out with shit, put myself aside and just do.
You can meet alot of people that way, not necessarily for connection, maybe more immersion.

You would do best if you can get a rucksack with a frame straps and belt or something equally durable.
Always have rags, for obvious reason, but also for tying, bandaging, straining etc.
Have as many pairs of sock that you can, keep your feet dry.
Prioritize for cold weather clothing, if you need shorts you can alway just cut a pair of pants and keep the leg clippings for rags.
Weapon(S) nuff sed.
Gravitate to legit charity/community organizations, they may have something to offer.
Avoid the convincing and comforting, better to be level head, better to be shrewd.
Do more listening than talking, learn how things work.
Get comfortable with eating garbage, it's a powerful survival skill.
Keep an eye out for discarded cigarette packs, people are always losing/forgetting shit, it's not a guaranteed score but the surprise can be nice, if you find dope ditch it, don't go down that road if you can help it.
Don't be a "good guy", the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Never trust the police, but certainly, use them as tools if you need to.

Respect your gut feelings but, but act don't react, stay frosty.

I could keep going but these were the things that proved to be the most important to me.
Travel light, good journey.

 

[VivaldiBR]

ja gostei. hoje em dia é só um fardo. que inclusive tem me feito apressar ctb por não querer lidar com ele.

Tem certeza disso? Daqui a uns anos você vai ter a independência financeira pra poder morar em qualquer lugar do país como médica generalista. Ou então você pode tentar arrumar um trabalho qualquer e sair pelo menos de casa, mas continuar o curso, mesmo que de forma irregular.
Opa. Não vi que você largou o curso. Trancou ou dá pra voltar?

 

[ecmnesia]

i am sorry guys, i am back on my bullshit. this was fucking childish. a pretty dream but a fucking pointless one. i need to keep it real, i have no money, i am brazilian, i have nothing whatsoever to offer the world. this place i am from is a hellhole, there is no way anything of that sorts would work on here, it's a dangerous emergent closed minded country, most nations won't even accept brazilians easily, and even if i could afford the taxes and get accepted, it'd be only temporary. even in here, i dont know how i'd manage to do anything without a degree. so yeah... sorry for the rant. i feel fucking worse than before. hope sucks.

 

[Deleted member 94]

i am sorry guys, i am back on my bullshit. this was fucking childish. a pretty dream but a fucking pointless one. i need to keep it real, i have no money, i am brazilian, i have nothing whatsoever to offer the world. this place i am from is a hellhole, there is no way anything of that sorts would work on here, it's a dangerous emergent closed minded country, most nations won't even accept brazilians easily, and even if i could afford the taxes and get accepted, it'd be only temporary. even in here, i dont know how i'd manage to do anything without a degree. so yeah... sorry for the rant. i feel fucking worse than before. hope sucks.

Look if it is Brazil you want to escape then finish your degree you will be most welcomed as a doctor in UK or Europe or Australia believe me we have lots of foreign doctors. And I mean lots even from African countries.

 

[VivaldiBR]

No seu lugar, eu terminaria o curso. Sua vida pode melhorar infinitamente depois de se formar em medicina.

Mas não sei nada sobre sua dor e seus problemas.

 

[Nymph]

If starting all over is one of your options then it sounds like you have a lot of energy and will and hope that it can be better. It's for you to decide but if you wanna ctb why not try and start over anyways.

 

[Forgotten]

In a country like Brazil it's not easy or simple to try to change places and start anew in a different place. Get your degree first, then you will have flexibility to change places and try new things. If you think your environment is the problem, then try becoming an au pair or doing a student exchange program to live in the USA, Canada or Australia for a while. You're still pretty young and has many opportunities available to you.

The brain doesn't fully develop until the age of 25 and you're still young, so you can still turn your life around and live. I'm quite older than 25 and stuck in Brazil, so I know my end is inevitable, but in your case I see lots of potential for recovery.

 

[unlovible000]

I've been considering that too recently, I either want death, or a new start to life. That's the only options I have.