Venting I might finally get the courage to CTB on November 5th

[guineapiglover8503]

I am so scared for the U.S. election in a few days. I live in the states and I'm currently taking hormone blockers and plan to start taking E for HRT in a year or so. Because of that, I am so scared for my safety depending on the winner of the election. I'm already so close to ordering my SN and the other stuff along with it and that might be the final straw. My note is pretty much done and I just have to write some personal letter for some of the good people in my life and that's it.

I'm also stuck away from my box cutter that I used to cut myself and I miss it so much. The last two days I slapped the most recent cuts to get some form of relief but they are starting to heal a bit and I really need it. I need something to distract me and everything hurts so much.

I'm trying to pull through til college because I know things will be better then but holy shit like I'm in so much mental pain. It feels like I just ate something super spicy and there's a cup of milk right next to me and I'm trying not to drink it. It's so hard to resist and honestly I'm starting to ask myself why I am resisting it. If I ever have a full week where I consistently want to live then I might reconsider. However, I feel that's about as likely as me winning the lottery right now and holding out til things get better is so fucking hard.

My close friend that I talked to about all this of course doesn't want me to die and has expressed their fear of me doing something and how devastated they will be if I give in. I really am trying not to but if I do, I am going to tell them beforehand. They also agreed to stay on a call with me as I CTB so I'm not alone when I pass. I'm so grateful for that as I don't want to go alone.

 

[lostovertime]

Starting college? You are probably so young. Why don't you at least wait to see who wins the election and how that pans out. Whatever you choose I hope you find peace.

 

[guineapiglover8503]

Starting college? You are probably so young. Why don't you at least wait to see who wins the election and how that pans out. Whatever you choose I hope you find peace.

That's the plan, to see who wins at least. Yeah I am really young and I acknowledge that and it is one of my motivators for trying as hard as I am to resist CTB. The pain can just be so much sometimes it's so unbearable and I forget everything else and just fantasize about finally not being in mental anguish. Thank you for wishing me peace, it's something I really struggle to have and I hope I can find it sometime regardless of what I choose

 

[TAW122]

I hope you are able to find peace in whatever you choose to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best in what you decide.

 

[Rowena]

That thing is a shit... i'm trans too and i dont know what to say.... i'm here because i feel ugly and i cant afford 50.000 EU for facial surgeryes but im still deciding if to CTB or not..... I know that in the US cyproterone is not allowed.... and other things that are for jail to who decided that rules..... I hope trump will not win and that you can start your HRT..... (If you can get a way to have Ethynilestradiol, it's a game changer for transition).... Anyway.... It's heartbreaking.... I wish you will have luck and success... CTB is really hard... i tried 5 times and i'm still here.... i dont want to hugbox but.... i dont know what to say sorry :( but think about surgeryes if you will be unsatisfied from HRT (i'm on it from 8 months or 7 now).... i never graduated even in high school and i haven't got a car and nothing.... i was in jail too for 2 years... if you graduate and start a decent work you can go in a place that i won't tell here, (PM me) and do them low cost and very well...