I might do it today

[DyingToDie123]

Ugh, I'm going to go again today. I have moments where I feel like I'm going to do it, I have to, and moments where I think not a chance. It doesn't help that the barrier isn't conducive to cleanly jumping over. It's about 4 ft tall and I'm 5'3. I would love to just swan dive off but that's not going to work.

Not going through with CTB isn't a failure, man. Forget whatever people say about it being the easy way out. Both living with the suffering and ending everything require the same amount of courage.

Worst case scenario: you don't do it and are forcerd to learn how to be happy. Both have their own merits.

Thank you. :)

Well, I disagree with that last part - they definitely don't win if you ctb. They don't win, or lose - they are nothing.

I can see where you're coming from there but my heart doesn't believe this. But worth thinking about more.

I related to what you said about what you were wearing. On my last attempt, I had those thoughts too. It struck me while I agonized that my outfit was all wrong. I hadn't prepared well. Some people might dismiss that sort of thing, but it's funny what your mind will latch onto when you're in distress.

Yeah I never feel fully prepared. I haven't written a note (last time I wrote one it resulted in a restraining order so I'm a bit paranoid). I haven't said goodbyes. I don't feel the need to do those things until I'm at the bridge and it just doesn't feel right.

 

[supergip]

Good luck, buddy. I hope you find peace. Do it in your time. <3

I was thinking about doing it today, I had another excuse to go out (another Taylor Swift listening party lol) but it was in the opposite direction of the bridge, I was insecure about what I was wearing and didn't want to be found like that, and made a bunch of other stupid excuses.

Tomorrow I was invited to a halloween party closer to the bridge. I don't think I'll have the guts but I want to try anyway. I feel so much urgency that every day I don't do it feels like a failure. Another day I let the people who ruined my life win.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I'm at the bridge again. A little tipsy. I feel like I could do it if there weren't so much traffic at this time. I need a min to really do the thing without getting caught. My mom in town and my separation anxious dog are barriers to me leaving late at night, so maybe this just isn't a viable method for me.

 

[DyingToDie123]

Update: Today might be the day part... 3?

My mom left, which means I have no one to take care of my dog while I'm gone but also means I can leave later when there isn't as much traffic. I feel more nervous about this today though but it's already been a week since the hearing that ruined my life which feels like way too long to wait. After seeing how emotional my mom was yesterday I'm a little more hesitant, but I don't know. I can't just keep living like this.