To be honest this could became once again a long ass thread. I hope it is not extremely long.
So my college grades I got so far a close to perfect. Though I have a huge problem. I have some courses which demand a lot of mathetematical skills. And I am quite an idiot in that. Maybe not extremely bad but pretty mediocre. I am neurotic as fuck. LIke it even got worse compared to the past. When I wrote the last exams I was almost everytime extremely anxious to have failed it. I had neurotic fears about some procedural regulations but I also was very anxious about the content. Despite the fact I later received very good grades. I was always extremely anxious like having the feeling of throwing up and similar shit.
So probably this will be all for nothing. I probably cannot work anyway. But this is not my biggest problem. This one course which requires in-depth understanding of complex math will kill me.
My anxiety is always through the roof. And to fail an exam is one of my biggest fears. This has to do with my childhood and adolscence which consisted of several different forms of abuse.
The lectures have started and already the topics from the start are very complex. It took me some time to fully understand them but I looked already at some content which will be part of coming lectures. And hell no I will never understand that shit. NEVER. From older students I have heard most of them almost gave way of despair because of this course. Today I almost started crying because I could not understand some complex exercises. It took me extremely long time.
I tried to prepare some people in my support network that I might stop college or change the subject. Most of them were not really helpful. As so often my dad is a complete moron and blames me for it. He cannot speak one word English, does not understand my psychological issues the slightest, is completely ignorant etc. And he blames it on me. Honestly he and my mom are responsible for my pain and the fact I will likely kill myself. I should not spend too much time thinking about his stupidity.
Another member of my support system did not take my sorrows seriously. She said something like be less obsessed of perfectionism and you will be fine. I have some skills how to stay healthy despite this OCD behavior. But I am quite sure this course will cross my limits by far.
So I think I might colllapse in some months. Rationally I think I will probably have to say stop before I collapse. But I think many people will rather pressure me to go on and just recommend to be less obsessive. I am not sure how likely a relapse is but I would give it 50%. After my last relapses I had extreme psychosomatic pain and was acute suicidal. I plan to kill myself after the next breakdown. I don't have the method here due to considerations which I elaborated on in the past. But I have some plans how to get my hands on it when the time comes.
I already think maybe some of my friends I will soon see me for the last time of my life. I try to make it less horrible for my friends. I am not sure if I really can go through with it. But sooner or later in my life I will have to do it anyway. I tried what I have wanted to try to recover. It is a race I seemingly cannot win
But I am not completely certain whether I will crash. I was very fragile during the last semesters but this semester will be far far the most difficult. I don't really see a way how I could cope with the stress. There are some options which I could decide for in case I recognize I gonna collapse. Either change the subject or college or having lesss courses. All of these options are pretty bad. I could also become a benzo addict. One might could say this is less horrible than the psychosis and breakdown but I am not sue about it.
Fuck my life.
So my college grades I got so far a close to perfect. Though I have a huge problem. I have some courses which demand a lot of mathetematical skills. And I am quite an idiot in that. Maybe not extremely bad but pretty mediocre. I am neurotic as fuck. LIke it even got worse compared to the past. When I wrote the last exams I was almost everytime extremely anxious to have failed it. I had neurotic fears about some procedural regulations but I also was very anxious about the content. Despite the fact I later received very good grades. I was always extremely anxious like having the feeling of throwing up and similar shit.
So probably this will be all for nothing. I probably cannot work anyway. But this is not my biggest problem. This one course which requires in-depth understanding of complex math will kill me.
My anxiety is always through the roof. And to fail an exam is one of my biggest fears. This has to do with my childhood and adolscence which consisted of several different forms of abuse.
The lectures have started and already the topics from the start are very complex. It took me some time to fully understand them but I looked already at some content which will be part of coming lectures. And hell no I will never understand that shit. NEVER. From older students I have heard most of them almost gave way of despair because of this course. Today I almost started crying because I could not understand some complex exercises. It took me extremely long time.
I tried to prepare some people in my support network that I might stop college or change the subject. Most of them were not really helpful. As so often my dad is a complete moron and blames me for it. He cannot speak one word English, does not understand my psychological issues the slightest, is completely ignorant etc. And he blames it on me. Honestly he and my mom are responsible for my pain and the fact I will likely kill myself. I should not spend too much time thinking about his stupidity.
Another member of my support system did not take my sorrows seriously. She said something like be less obsessed of perfectionism and you will be fine. I have some skills how to stay healthy despite this OCD behavior. But I am quite sure this course will cross my limits by far.
So I think I might colllapse in some months. Rationally I think I will probably have to say stop before I collapse. But I think many people will rather pressure me to go on and just recommend to be less obsessive. I am not sure how likely a relapse is but I would give it 50%. After my last relapses I had extreme psychosomatic pain and was acute suicidal. I plan to kill myself after the next breakdown. I don't have the method here due to considerations which I elaborated on in the past. But I have some plans how to get my hands on it when the time comes.
I already think maybe some of my friends I will soon see me for the last time of my life. I try to make it less horrible for my friends. I am not sure if I really can go through with it. But sooner or later in my life I will have to do it anyway. I tried what I have wanted to try to recover. It is a race I seemingly cannot win
But I am not completely certain whether I will crash. I was very fragile during the last semesters but this semester will be far far the most difficult. I don't really see a way how I could cope with the stress. There are some options which I could decide for in case I recognize I gonna collapse. Either change the subject or college or having lesss courses. All of these options are pretty bad. I could also become a benzo addict. One might could say this is less horrible than the psychosis and breakdown but I am not sue about it.
Fuck my life.
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