I made a mistake

[Cant go back]

I've been blaming my suicidal thoughts on my spouse because of their mental illness, but I've realized that my desire to ctb was not real, it was just an internal cry for help.
My suicidal thoughts are not their fault! It's mine!
Over the last few days I broke down to my spouse about our financial situation which I had been hiding. I've put us in a really bad spot because of my stupid f***ing decisions and as a result I've hurt the ones I love the most. It's a horrible feeling, I've never had anxiety so bad in my entire life, I literally don't want to eat anything, my thoughts feel foggy, I have this constant feeling of dread at the bottom of my stomach, I feel lethargic and tired all day. It's horrible and for those of you that deal with this on a daily basis for ultimately no reason (other than mental illness) I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
Not being truthful with my spouse has destroyed our relationship, my life and will ultimately end it. I hate to see people suffer and when I think that my decisions are making the people I love suffer… well… I just can't take it.

I don't know when I'll do it. Could be this weekend, next month, next year but it won't be planned, it will be spontaneous.

I don't think I should have ever been a father or a husband, I thought I could do it but I've failed on so many levels. It would have been better if I lived my life out alone and away from people so I don't get close and hurt them but as my name reads, can't go back.

 

[FuneralCry]

It can be painful to deal with regret, I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I hope you find the peace that you are looking for.

 

[BobMorane]

Im not in your shoes but seeing this from outside I see : someone healthy with a healthy family (I can only guess) . If money could fix all your issues why ctb over it ? You can always make money in the future, but once your health or life is gone, its not gonna come back. If I've learned something since being on this site is that most ctb over health (some have chronic condition, chronic pain, some are disabled, physically or intellectually , some are old and crippled , the common denominator here is health that is gone and doesn't come back). I can understand suicide in these cases. But you ! How many people would kill to be in your place (me included). Please try to remember you have a temporary problem, a problem that CAN be fixed . Dont give your life away for money... Work harder, live simpler, sell the shit you don't need, hell, sell your fucking car if that means you got to go work using public transportation, but don't forget you're healthy goddamit. If I've invalidated your feelings in any way, please don't take it personally, I didn't mean to. peace
EDIT : if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts its neither of your fault. It's a repercussion of the situation you're in. It's also a sign you need treatment.

 

[toforigivelife]

Since you've put your plans to ctb off until the future I'll send you wishes that your situation gets better and that you get better.

Maybe you and your situation will get better, maybe they won't.

If you've given catching the bus a lot of thought and have come to a genuine, sincere decision that leaving this plane is what's truly best for you then I respect your decision and wish you a peaceful journey.

But sometimes if circumstances change and if a person is granted some mercy in some way they're outlook can change.

I'll keep wishing you the best and I congratulate you on taking responsibility for your feelings and for yourself.

That can be a painful thing to do. Very painful. And not everyone is capable of taking responsibility the way you have. (Just don't go overboard and start beating yourself up. Don't turn it into something negative.)

Wishing you all the best. No matter how things turn out.

 

[summers]

@Cant go back have you had your life insurance policy long enough so that it still gets paid out with a suicide? Most require 3-5 years. If not, make sure your death looks accidental so they can get the money.

Edit: spontaneous ctb usually results in the person getting fucked up royally, and then someone having to care for them. Do you really want to put that on your wife. Either plan to ctb, or don't attempt to ctb.

 

[ihatemylife]

Im not in your shoes but seeing this from outside I see : someone healthy with a healthy family (I can only guess) . If money could fix all your issues why ctb over it ? You can always make money in the future, but once your health or life is gone, its not gonna come back. If I've learned something since being on this site is that most ctb over health (some have chronic condition, chronic pain, some are disabled, physically or intellectually , some are old and crippled , the common denominator here is health that is gone and doesn't come back). I can understand suicide in these cases. But you ! How many people would kill to be in your place (me included). Please try to remember you have a temporary problem, a problem that CAN be fixed . Dont give your life away for money... Work harder, live simpler, sell the shit you don't need, hell, sell your fucking car if that means you got to go work using public transportation, but don't forget you're healthy goddamit. If I've invalidated your feelings in any way, please don't take it personally, I didn't mean to. peace
EDIT : if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts its neither of your fault. It's a repercussion of the situation you're in. It's also a sign you need treatment.

I've been blaming my suicidal thoughts on my spouse because of their mental illness, but I've realized that my desire to ctb was not real, it was just an internal cry for help.
My suicidal thoughts are not their fault! It's mine!
Over the last few days I broke down to my spouse about our financial situation which I had been hiding. I've put us in a really bad spot because of my stupid f***ing decisions and as a result I've hurt the ones I love the most. It's a horrible feeling, I've never had anxiety so bad in my entire life, I literally don't want to eat anything, my thoughts feel foggy, I have this constant feeling of dread at the bottom of my stomach, I feel lethargic and tired all day. It's horrible and for those of you that deal with this on a daily basis for ultimately no reason (other than mental illness) I am truly sorry for what you are going through.
Not being truthful with my spouse has destroyed our relationship, my life and will ultimately end it. I hate to see people suffer and when I think that my decisions are making the people I love suffer… well… I just can't take it.

I don't know when I'll do it. Could be this weekend, next month, next year but it won't be planned, it will be spontaneous.

I don't think I should have ever been a father or a husband, I thought I could do it but I've failed on so many levels. It would have been better if I lived my life out alone and away from people so I don't get close and hurt them but as my name reads, can't go back.

If you CTB you will end up hurting them even more.. You can't change past mistakes but you can change things from here on in. You would be surprised how forgiving people can be once they see you are sorry for what you did and you are a changed person going forward. Everyone makes mistakes in life. Don't be so hard on yourself..

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Im not in your shoes but seeing this from outside I see : someone healthy with a healthy family (I can only guess) . If money could fix all your issues why ctb over it ? You can always make money in the future, but once your health or life is gone, its not gonna come back. If I've learned something since being on this site is that most ctb over health (some have chronic condition, chronic pain, some are disabled, physically or intellectually , some are old and crippled , the common denominator here is health that is gone and doesn't come back). I can understand suicide in these cases. But you ! How many people would kill to be in your place (me included). Please try to remember you have a temporary problem, a problem that CAN be fixed . Dont give your life away for money... Work harder, live simpler, sell the shit you don't need, hell, sell your fucking car if that means you got to go work using public transportation, but don't forget you're healthy goddamit. If I've invalidated your feelings in any way, please don't take it personally, I didn't mean to. peace
EDIT : if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts its neither of your fault. It's a repercussion of the situation you're in. It's also a sign you need treatment.

Some money problems aren't temporary. Lots of people on SS have money problems. I don't know where you are seeing that majority of folks here only suffer from health issues. Believing in treatment is nice...but it's not a sure thing for many. Why do you assume he is healthy?

Some people can't just 'work harder' and not everyone can 'always make more money'. Perhaps this person can...perhaps your advice could help. I don't know.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Im not in your shoes but seeing this from outside I see : someone healthy with a healthy family (I can only guess) . If money could fix all your issues why ctb over it ? You can always make money in the future, but once your health or life is gone, its not gonna come back. If I've learned something since being on this site is that most ctb over health (some have chronic condition, chronic pain, some are disabled, physically or intellectually , some are old and crippled , the common denominator here is health that is gone and doesn't come back). I can understand suicide in these cases. But you ! How many people would kill to be in your place (me included). Please try to remember you have a temporary problem, a problem that CAN be fixed . Dont give your life away for money... Work harder, live simpler, sell the shit you don't need, hell, sell your fucking car if that means you got to go work using public transportation, but don't forget you're healthy goddamit. If I've invalidated your feelings in any way, please don't take it personally, I didn't mean to. peace
EDIT : if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts its neither of your fault. It's a repercussion of the situation you're in. It's also a sign you need treatment.

We have a saying in Arabic: "good health is a crown that can only be seen by the ill". I understand what you say that health seems to be the most valid reason to justify ctb and it could be but like other member alluded that money problems can be so severe that it will be irremediable. Like the case with many people who cant exit the cycle of poverty for many different reasons even though they tried and still trying but our capitalist world is making it harder on some group of people to exit poverty and pushing other group into it by devaluing their human input once they are no longer needed. Many people have justified fears about their futures as they age with no safety or any potential to retire comfortably. It is a hard position to be in and it is understandable that these kind of people dont want to experience a life of old age, homelessness, lack of health care, poverty etc.

 

[BobMorane]

Some money problems aren't temporary. Lots of people on SS have money problems. I don't know where you are seeing that majority of folks here only suffer from health issues. Believing in treatment is nice...but it's not a sure thing for many. Why do you assume he is healthy?

Some people can't just 'work harder' and not everyone can 'always make more money'. Perhaps this person can...perhaps your advice could help. I don't know.

According to camh (center for addiction and mental health), 90% of suicides are mental illness related. I guess the remaining 10% makes it for people with terminal, chronic illness, money problems, emotional instability and whatever constraints they're enduring. I'll make a thread about reasons to ctb and my guess is its only gonna confirm these stats. People don't ctb over TEMPORARY problems. If you're gonna kill yourself it's because you're rock bottom in shit while it seems it won't change. I just thought it would be sad that OP ctb "spontaneously" whiteout having thought through about this. my 2 cents

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

According to camh (center for addiction and mental health), 90% of suicides are mental illness related. I guess the remaining 10% makes it for people with terminal, chronic illness, money problems, emotional instability and whatever constraints they're enduring. I'll make a thread about reasons to ctb and my guess is its only gonna confirm these stats. People don't ctb over TEMPORARY problems. If you're gonna kill yourself it's because you're rock bottom in shit while it seems it won't change. I just thought it would be sad that OP ctb "spontaneously" whiteout having thought through about this. my 2 cents

I absolutely disagree that 90 percent of suicides are mental. I've heard this before and it's absolutely revolting and a real put-down for people who have serious life problems. This is a punishing statistic that is FALSE and I think it's really unfortunate that you are believing something so fucking stupid.

This stat negates situational anxiety, abuse, trauma, poverty. THESE ARE NOT TEMPORARY PROBLEMS.

I'm tired of arguing this with randos on here. It's idiotic. Get off your high-horse.