Help I love my suicidal partner?

[t0rch]

I just started my first serious relationship recently and I don't know how to support my suicidal partner when I feel exhausted myself too.

Just how do I maintain a relationship where myself and my partner both have mental illness? I'm scared that I'll hurt them by… I don't know, just being an awful person I guess. Is it even responsible or valid for me to start a relationship when I now hit rock bottom? I feel responsible for 'fixing' myself first before I commit to any relationships. I'm scared that I'll mess us up.

They make me want to live, but other times, they make me want to die more so than I already do. Not that it's their problem at all! But I don't know, I just feel awful when they feel awful. I don't know.

Any tips would be appreciated!

 

[Sulyya]

I have no real relationship experience and don't know how yours is, but if you each understand the other's issues maybe just having someone close by is a help in itself.

I always felt that just having someone who knows you're struggling and you can hug, would be great for both.

 

[NumbItAll]

I think it is fine to start a relationship as long as you are open and honest about your issues. Then they can choose whether it's something they want to get involved with. It is good that you are concerned about their feelings (wish more people would do that), but let them have a vote too, you know? :)

 

[Josef2000]

I just started my first serious relationship recently and I don't know how to support my suicidal partner when I feel exhausted myself too.

Just how do I maintain a relationship where myself and my partner both have mental illness? I'm scared that I'll hurt them by… I don't know, just being an awful person I guess. Is it even responsible or valid for me to start a relationship when I now hit rock bottom? I feel responsible for 'fixing' myself first before I commit to any relationships. I'm scared that I'll mess us up.

They make me want to live, but other times, they make me want to die more so than I already do. Not that it's their problem at all! But I don't know, I just feel awful when they feel awful. I don't know.

Any tips would be appreciated!

I think you should weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship and decide whether it's more beneficial or damaging in your life. I'm in recovery and decided to focus on myself before anyone else interferes in my life.
Sometimes you may be spending more energy trying to help them and neglecting your own needs, on the other hand, however, if you both decide that you want recovery then it could be motivation to improve.

 

[t0rch]

I have no real relationship experience and don't know how yours is, but if you each understand the other's issues maybe just having someone close by is a help in itself.

I always felt that just having someone who knows you're struggling and you can hug, would be great for both.

That is very much the case and I fully agree! When I say I need some time alone, they'd understand; when I say I want to ctb, they're there for me (not to assist me but supporting me) and when I just need a hug without wanting to explain, they are there. They are always there. But at the same time, it almost feels like I'm exploiting them for my own good. (My apologies for a little vent there). Nonetheless, I try my best to give them the best of me, even on my worst days, but it just feels more and more unattainable as time goes on as my mental state declines. Thanks very much for your reply!

I think it is fine to start a relationship as long as you are open and honest about your issues. Then they can choose whether it's something they want to get involved with. It is good that you are concerned about their feelings (wish more people would do that), but let them have a vote too, you know? :)

Absolutely. I made it clear when the relationship begun that I don't want this to burden them, and that they can opt out at any time if it feels too much. I strive for open communication at all times, but sometimes, I'm afraid to tell them how awful I'm feeling, that I constantly think about ctb, that I am in so much pain. Because I know it hurts them, because they told me before that they hate to see other people suffer (even strangers, they're such a kind soul). Thank you for the reply :)!

I think you should weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship and decide whether it's more beneficial or damaging in your life. I'm in recovery and decided to focus on myself before anyone else interferes in my life.
Sometimes you may be spending more energy trying to help them and neglecting your own needs, on the other hand, however, if you both decide that you want recovery then it could be motivation to improve.

I'm very conflicted, actually, I want to improve. They make me want to live, and be a better person (cliche, but true still). But I don't know if they feel the same way, as in, do they want to get better? Is it fair for me to ask them to get better, when sometimes it's not in their control. I want them to get better, I want them to live. I know it can be so hard for them at times, and I wish I could take all their pain. Thanks a bunch for your reply!

 

[jdog2498]

Find a nice mental hospital where they take care of their patients, so that they don't have any negative experiences where they are being handcuffed or strapped down. Prepare for them to be hospitalized, just in case, so it's not abrupt and negative. Research the staff and psychiatrists too. A lot of docs are very harmful and hurt their patients more than help. Definitely prevent this person from dying and hurting themselves. Even if you have to call 9/11, or their unwilling.

 

[Lamentice]

I truly believe healing/recovery is not possible alone. People need & thrive off support and community. I think the individualism that is preached so often, worshipped & encouraged, and branded into our brains is incredibly hurtful, and ruins the potential of so many relationships since many people now go about their lives thinking they're the only one's who should be shouldering their struggles (and that it's both no one's obligation to help & selfish/wrong for them to reach out). I think it's also the source of why it's so difficult to find reciprocal unconditional love. People are too tired to give support to other people cause no one is getting support from other people, it's a circular cycle of isolating struggle. Community is wonderful thing, we can only heal with the love of others in our lives. People are meant to be together & work together.

That is to say, you don't need to be "fixed" before going into a relationship, healing is a lifelong journey, and support/love is essential. Having a partner who is willing to support and love you through all moments of that healing is precious, and as long as you're trying your best and giving back the same amount of love then that's all you can do, it's enough :) <3

There will probably be rough patches where you feel like you're not doing enough, are burdensome, toxic, etc. And vice versa for your partner. But so many things are possible when you choose to work on them together, with each other in mind, as openly as possible, and understand you're both very human with struggles, strengths, and weaknesses.

 

[Lame-Loser324]

I just started my first serious relationship recently and I don't know how to support my suicidal partner when I feel exhausted myself too.

Just how do I maintain a relationship where myself and my partner both have mental illness? I'm scared that I'll hurt them by… I don't know, just being an awful person I guess. Is it even responsible or valid for me to start a relationship when I now hit rock bottom? I feel responsible for 'fixing' myself first before I commit to any relationships. I'm scared that I'll mess us up.

They make me want to live, but other times, they make me want to die more so than I already do. Not that it's their problem at all! But I don't know, I just feel awful when they feel awful. I don't know.

Any tips would be appreciated!

I myself have a lot of toxic relationship experience and here are some things that helped me fix them or would have fixed them. Communication, I know everyone says this but it is literally the best thing you can have. Let's say your partner is spiraling for example, try to calm them down, and then when they seem calm enough ask them what's wrong. Together you can work through your partners issues and because this is a relationship your partner should do the same. Another key thing is boundaries. I understand boundaries are extremely hard to set but if you want to get anywhere in a relationship you need to set them. However you should have a calm discussion with you partner about this. Like sit down with them and discuss things you wouldn't be comfortable with, and then have them tell you what you're uncomfortable with. Another thing you need to do is enforce these said boundaries. Not in a violent way but in a positive way. As long as you follow these things there shouldn't be too many problems. If you ever need more straight forward advice about anything be free to shoot me a text! I'm always willing to help. And good luck to your new relationship!