Venting I love and hate being suicidal

[arKor]

I have been suicidal for quite a while, and it helped me in a lot of way because, I wouldn't care what other would because after all I can just end it and none of it would matter.
Basically, it made my nihilistic.

The bad thing is that I am mediocre at most things, I wouldn't mind starting the efforts but performing and focusing has been really hard since I have this self-limiting belief that just tells me that I can always end it even if I am bad, a way to cope, I guess.
To this day I don't know what I prefer, having this confort of being able to end it or being able to try my best.

I would like to know if any of you felt like me and/or what are your thoughts on it.
Thank you very much!

 

[shekindabadtho…]

Same I'm absolutely brain dead with it the most simple things. It makes it worse because the fact that I can end it at any moment takes away the motivation to do anything to fix it.

 

[prisonerofexistence]

In my case I'm really afraid of the future bc in know this fake feeling of comfort can only takes you so far.As times goes on your peers will learn new things and become functional adults meanwhile you and your fake nihilistic comfort will be left behind,so I'm terrified about the futur but at the same time i'm not even sure if i want to CBT or not.

 

[UKscotty]

I don't like being suicidal, I hate it. I hate being ill.

When I am in a non depressed state, I can see the immense joy and happiness in the world. When depression hits I just see suffering and lies it tells me.

I wish I was normal. I know people get offended when I say being suicidal is being ill but I just cannot accept how a well person would want to CTB. A normal healthy mind simply doesn't even consider CTB.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I don't like being suicidal, I hate it. I hate being ill.

When I am in a non depressed state, I can see the immense joy and happiness in the world. When depression hits I just see suffering and lies it tells me.

I wish I was normal. I know people get offended when I say being suicidal is being ill but I just cannot accept how a well person would want to CTB. A normal healthy mind simply doesn't even consider CTB.

Yes. If I were of sound health, my mental health would follow suit and I wouldn't even consider suicide. I might have had nihilistic thoughts as an edgy teen but man oh man, do I regret that now. Life can be great if you're healthy.

 

[arKor]

In my case I'm really afraid of the future bc in know this fake feeling of comfort can only takes you so far.As times goes on your peers will learn new things and become functional adults meanwhile you and your fake nihilistic comfort will be left behind,so I'm terrified about the futur but at the same time i'm not even sure if i want to CBT or not.

I know what you mean, futures is not looking good in my case, and the coping mechanism is pulling me even more. Knowing that I wasted a lot of time makes all of it worse

 

[prisonerofexistence]

I don't like being suicidal, I hate it. I hate being ill.

When I am in a non depressed state, I can see the immense joy and happiness in the world. When depression hits I just see suffering and lies it tells me.

I wish I was normal. I know people get offended when I say being suicidal is being ill but I just cannot accept how a well person would want to CTB. A normal healthy mind simply doesn't even consider CTB.

I don't believe depression is just a chemical imbalance.I believe most depressions stems from a real problem in the real world like a financial problems or something like that, so most of the time the problem isn't our brains but the world.

 

[jar-baby]

Yes, I relate completely. My suicidality is my security blanket. Every time I'm pricked by the awareness of my inadequacies or feel the ache of loneliness I instinctively remember I have a way out. And that calms me. I'm a lot less suicidal than I was when I signed up here but I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely let go off of my suicidality and give life my all (so to speak), precisely for this reason.

 

[Victim.Of.Life]

Can't say I enjoy being suicidal but the thought of me hanging from the ceiling by a cord, is the only thing that gets me to sleep at night.

 

[arKor]

Yes, I relate completely. My suicidality is my security blanket. Every time I'm pricked by the awareness of my inadequacies or feel the ache of loneliness I instinctively remember I have a way out. And that calms me. I'm a lot less suicidal than I was when I signed up here but I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely let go off of my suicidality and give life my all (so to speak), precisely for this reason.

True, its the awareness that is just making me so uncomfortable. I had up and down of suicidal feeling, but I would think about it daily no matter what.