Ali

Ali

No exist
Dec 5, 2018
30
I wrote my story in Spanish and they deleted it, here it goes again.

I tried to kill myself many times, I was intoxicated with medication for several years and it did not work out, so I can see that it does not work for me despite consuming many different drugs. Last year with uka razor cut my neck in the carotid artery, I thought I had achieved it because it was a deep cut, where I fainted after feeling my body frozen, I listened to the sea, it was a strange experience, they found me and I ended up in the hospital for about 30 days with therapy. I suffered abuse and my boyfriend of 4 years left me, everything has been difficult for me so I heard suicide again, I tried to hang myself and I fainted while the rope tightened my neck, I did not resist and I can say that at that moment it was not painful I do not know what happened next, but I saw my parents on top of me screaming at me. Then I tried to buy cyanide, I heard muvho in the news of my country (chile) about 5 pardons that have ñogrado suicide and die with cyanide. Look where to buy but do not sell unless you have a card for that, I wonder how these people got it, buying another country is not possible because customs is very strict. I have thought about gas, I do not want to do it and also to hang myself but this time a day that is alone and with a stronger rope.
I'm tired of living, I lost my passion for life.
 
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Sinbad

Sinbad

Self-Annihilation is loading...95%
Nov 27, 2018
542
I lost my passion too. Nothing interests me anymore.

I am sorry to hear you going through all these failed attempts. Hopefully your next attempt will be a success. The good news, you found the right site. Now take your time to look for information on different methods and communicate with SS members if needed.
Good luck.
 
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Deleted member 4040

Deleted member 4040

Member
Nov 17, 2018
30
try full suspension with rope
 
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D

dyingtodie

Student
Nov 29, 2018
115
I've been functioning for a while without the "will" to live. Just going through the motions. Hanging out to see if the will will return, it hasn't, or has but it's been fleeting. I'm awaiting the book '5 last acts' which I plan to review with a cool/clear head to make sure I'm successful in self-termination. Gas, like nitrogen or helium seems very effective. I wish you luck on your journey, Ali. That sucks they deleted your post in spanish (I'd have understood you!) maybe not many spanish readers here though? I dunno. Buen Viaje.
 
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D

dyingtodie

Student
Nov 29, 2018
115
Also, thanks for sharing your story. About 16 years ago I was hospitalized for 9 days in a psych ward due to a very deep razor cut...now 15 years later I'm quite ready to ctb. That experience however gave me much motivation to be very skillful in applying my method so as not to get locked up in the 'mental health care system'.
 
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Retched

Retched

I see the chaos in your eyes.
Oct 8, 2018
837
I tried to ctb in August. I've been a shell of a person since then. I can understand.
 
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G

GeorgeEastman

Arcanist
Sep 3, 2018
470
Yeah, but have you gained a passion for death?

I sure as hell have. I've spent almost half of my life now fixated on death. Maybe that's what it's going to take. When I officially cross the time when it's been more time wanting to die than wanting to live, that will be the proof I need to get the hell out now.
 
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K

Kingkelly

Mage
Dec 3, 2018
532
Yeah, but have you gained a passion for death?

I sure as hell have. I've spent almost half of my life now fixated on death. Maybe that's what it's going to take. When I officially cross the time when it's been more time wanting to die than wanting to live, that will be the proof I need to get the hell out now.
This post though. Good stuff. I haven't spent half my life but enough now that its getting real. Spending more time wanting to die them live the struggle is real.
.....
 
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S

stargazer

Arcanist
Nov 19, 2018
433
I lost it after being fired from my first real job in my field in winter 2014. I still hold a small grudge against the company for firing me.
 
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L

Louise

Member
Apr 28, 2018
53
Yeah, but have you gained a passion for death?

I sure as hell have. I've spent almost half of my life now fixated on death. Maybe that's what it's going to take. When I officially cross the time when it's been more time wanting to die than wanting to live, that will be the proof I need to get the hell out now.
Wow. For me it's been a mere 7 years but yeah, I'm fixated on death alright. Never really had much passion for life, nothing comparable to this. So not that much to lose...
 
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Watson

Watson

Wats-on your mind?
Nov 28, 2018
165
I lost my passion a long time ago but only came to that realization recently.
 
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I

iceman

Member
Dec 7, 2018
9
Yes I have lost all passion too, I'm just tired now, emotionally and physically (can't seem to sleep through the night any more so I just give up and get up and do stuff when I wake up in the middle of the night now, lying looking at the ceiling is not fun).

I am sorry you have had so many failures, they are really hard to deal with.
 
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Rad Aiko

Rad Aiko

Member
Dec 6, 2018
17
I have lost it too... College, my actual relationship (4years too) and lost 2 beloved cats make me lost any inspiration or love for the things I used to love... I used to be an artist, but all of this drained all of me, and now My art is dead...

The only being that keeps me alive is my actual cat, he is like a son for me... He is the only thing that clears my mind a little... He keeps me safe from get insane... literally

But this days have been a lot of struggles with my relationship that make me reconsider again to ctb... I tried to hang my self twice too... I understand you a lot... I'm very frustrated...

I'm Latin too, saludos y suerte
 
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M

MsM3talGamer

Voluntary deletion
Nov 28, 2018
1,504
I've never had a passion for life. I've had suicidal ideation since about the age of 10 when I became obsessed with death. The reason? My psychopath father used to beat the hell out of me and scream that he was going to kill me. I believe that he brainwashed me with the idea of death. I was raised hearing the words screamed at me: "I'll break your neck" or "I'll strangle you little bastard".

The evil asshole destroyed any passion I could have had in life.
 
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