I lost him and it's my fault

[TripleA]

Yes he did. Although his family won't talk to me- this is the most closure I can get..

He had a playlist??

You are his ex girlfriend? Why he killed himself?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Don't blame yourself. He wanted to do it before and he would have done it regardless of what you did or did not do. I think that his comment about you not being a good stepmom was really shitty.

 

[BrokenAlien]

You are his ex girlfriend? Why he killed himself?

I'm the ex... And I do feel responsible for his death and I am pretty close to taking the same path. It's torturous and painful... I regret so much.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Don't blame yourself. He wanted to do it before and he would have done it regardless of what you did or did not do. I think that his comment about you not being a good stepmom was really shitty.

Thank you that means so much. I tried for him a lot of times and I struggled with some of his behaviors towards me and how he'd make me feel. Still, now that he's gone I just can't feel anything but pain and regrets

 

[KleinerWolf]

Don't blame yourself. He wanted to do it before and he would have done it regardless of what you did or did not do. I think that his comment about you not being a good stepmom was really shitty.

exactly what I thought.
dude rage quit

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Thank you that means so much. I tried for him a lot of times and I struggled with some of his behaviors towards me and how he'd make me feel. Still, now that he's gone I just can't feel anything but pain and regrets

Judging by some of his posts, I do not think that he was a very good person and I think he was mostly into you because of your looks. The fact that a woman your age was willing to be with him gave him an ego boost. It was unfair of him to unload his problems and baggage onto a person your age. I mean the nerve he had commenting you are not a good stepmom - what did he expect from a person your age? To take care of his kids? Very unfair expectations. He would have done it regardless of whatever you or anyone else did, but believe me, if you had stayed with him, this would be even more painful. Please take care of yourself, find someone IRL you can talk to about your feelings (therapy would be a good idea). I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I hope you won't ctb because of this guy. That would be a terrible waste of a life.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Judging by some of his posts, I do not think that he was a very good person and I think he was mostly into you because of your looks. The fact that a woman your age was willing to be with him gave him an ego boost. It was unfair of him to unload his problems and baggage onto a person your age. I mean the nerve he had commenting you are not a good stepmom - what did he expect from a person your age? To take care of his kids? Very unfair expectations. He would have done it regardless of whatever you or anyone else did, but believe me, if you had stayed with him, this would be even more painful. Please take care of yourself, find someone IRL you can talk to about your feelings (therapy would be a good idea). I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I hope you won't ctb because of this guy. That would be a terrible waste of a life.

Thank you so much. The worst part is he did make me feel like his mental health was my responsibility. And as much as I know I shouldn't blame myself it's so impossible not to, and the pain just piles on so much. It hurts that someone I loved is gone and hurts even worse to feel that I am the cause. You are right, and it really comforts me a lot. Thank you so much for your support, I mean.. I have no words for what it means to me. It means so much.

 

[TripleA]

I'm the ex... And I do feel responsible for his death and I am pretty close to taking the same path. It's torturous and painful... I regret so much.

You want to ctb because he killed himself because of you?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

Thank you so much. The worst part is he did make me feel like his mental health was my responsibility. And as much as I know I shouldn't blame myself it's so impossible not to, and the pain just piles on so much. It hurts that someone I loved is gone and hurts even worse to feel that I am the cause. You are right, and it really comforts me a lot. Thank you so much for your support, I mean.. I have no words for what it means to me. It means so much.

His behavior towards you was VERY abusive. Everyone is responsible for their own mental health, and he did mention in one of his posts that he contemplated suicide in the past over another relationship. So he was the type of guy who would get attached to women and expect that they solve all of his problems. These types like to make others feel responsible for them, I find that really disgusting. It is understandable that you are feeling what you are feeling, suicide is always a tragedy, especially suicide of someone we were close to, so give yourself time to grieve. It really isn't your fault that he did it, please remember that. I strongly advise you to seek out a therapist to talk things through. We are all here for you, but a therapist might help you to work through your feelings in a more constructive way than anyone here can.

 

[BrokenAlien]

You want to ctb because he killed himself because of you?

That was my thought.. some horrible Shakespearian feelings yes, I have struggled with mental health for a long time and this is really triggering- I'm trying not to let that be a solution. I'm trying to find some kind of hope and wait, these emotions just tear me to pieces.

 

[KleinerWolf]

You want to ctb because he killed himself because of you?

based on my interpretation, dude quit because dealing with kids and relationship is too hard.
it was a mixture of reasons, and it just doesn't seem like Broken should be held accountable here.

 

[BrokenAlien]

based on my interpretation, dude quit because dealing with kids and relationship is too hard.
it was a mixture of reasons, and it just doesn't seem like Broken should be held accountable here.

Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate all of your comments and help... It's such a hard situation and I think my worst critic is myself

 

[TripleA]

That was my thought.. some horrible Shakespearian feelings yes, I have struggled with mental health for a long time and this is really triggering- I'm trying not to let that be a solution. I'm trying to find some kind of hope and wait, these emotions just tear me to pieces.

Do you have method to ctb?

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

You want to ctb because he killed himself because of you?

He did not kill himself because of her.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Do you have method to ctb?

The irony of it is that I was looking up SN before I had even known that it was his same method. But I haven't made definitive plans- I don't want to put others through the pain I'm feeling now.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Thank you for saying that. I really appreciate all of your comments and help... It's such a hard situation and I think my worst critic is myself

its okay broken,
I would have felt how you feel in the same situations,
without due disrespect, there are areas where he could have been a better man.

Like mahakali said, it's unfortunate,
but don't be too harsh on yourself.
It's not your fault.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

The irony of it is that I was looking up SN before I had even known that it was his same method. But I haven't made definitive plans- I don't want to put others through the pain I'm feeling now.

Please don't kill yourself over this. You can and will get better. One member of this community @GoodPersonEffed had a boyfriend who died by suicide while they were both in high school, maybe she has something to contribute to this topic.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Please don't kill yourself over this. You can and will get better. One member of this community @GoodPersonEffed had a boyfriend who died by suicide while they were both in high school, maybe she has something to contribute to this topic.

That would help I think to talk to her. I appreciate you for saying that. The darkness of the mind is a scary place to go alone. You've all helped me so much, and I don't think I can remove the blame I feel for myself but maybe over time, it will get better. You are a very kind human, you all are. You're all so considerate and kind- I wish I could thank you enough. My heart is just so low.

 

[Goodbye710]

I read your posts and his and had a lot of time to reflect on it all...

It is not your fault!!! I promise you it is not. From what I see he was broken and wanted to end his life. Maybe if things were different he would have lived a little longer but eventually he was going through with it one day or another.

 

[SuicidalSymphonies]

My fiance died last month on the 17th by accident. Him and I met here and made a promise not to ctb on one another, but he didn't mean to die this time... So now I am back to my plans and will be ctb next year..

Please, if you want or need to speak with someone who is dealing with something similar, I am here.. x

My apologies for such a tragedy on your behalf... My condolences.

 

[BrokenAlien]

My fiance died last month on the 17th by accident. Him and I met here and made a promise not to ctb on one another, but he didn't mean to die this time... So now I am back to my plans and will be ctb next year..

Please, if you want or need to speak with someone who is dealing with something similar, I am here.. x

My apologies for such a tragedy on your behalf... My condolences.

I am deeply sorry to hear that you're going through that- I appreciate you reaching out to me. It is a painful thing to go through- and it amplifies all of that darkness already inside. I would love to chat with you, I've been grasping at straws on who to talk to. Thank you for reaching out to me

 

[K-O]

I don't think I can remove the blame I feel for myself but maybe over time,

it seems hopeless now.. its so raw. a consuming and overwhelming swirl.. it does change over time.. i promise..
when i was your age i lost who was back then the love of my life, today im 35 and have experienced a soulmate love connection again to be lost and i was convinced with all my body and soul that this time i will not survive..
we can! use the love around you, take time to rest heal and be kind to yourself love, if you need help pls ask from your surroundings, there i all kinds of support systems around us if and when were open and willing x
today i can go out in the sun again, touch people ask for help, i feel love and hope.. i feel better and i feel his love, our love. nothing can change love. the story does not matter now. what matters is that there was love and thats real.
the blame game is over for me. and it will shall pass girl.
the words and cliches may seem untouchable now but in time you will find yourself again.
x

 

[BrokenAlien]

it seems hopeless now.. its so raw. a consuming and overwhelming swirl.. it does change over time.. i promise..
when i was your age i lost who was back then the love of my life, today im 35 and have experienced a soulmate love connection again to be lost and i was convinced with all my body and soul that this time i will not survive..
we can! use the love around you, take time to rest heal and be kind to yourself love, if you need help pls ask from your surroundings, there i all kinds of support systems around us if and when were open and willing x
today i can go out in the sun again, touch people ask for help, i feel love and hope.. i feel better and i feel his love, our love. nothing can change love. the story does not matter now. what matters is that there was love and thats real.
the blame game is over for me. and it will shall pass girl.
the words and cliches may seem untouchable now but in time you will find yourself again.
x

It is raw and my whole life feels altered, I feel like I'm stuck in a rotating door of emotions. I appreciate your kind words, and that you share your story with me. You're right that in the end it doesn't matter how things went wrong at least I know the love was there. I'm living with my regrets and being blamed by his family- and it hurts to feel on the outside of what is going on. I am trying to keep my hope alive and not make any crazy decisions until I can give more time to this grief. It is an incredibly crushing feeling that leaves me weak and desperate- I was ready to follow his lead but the people on here like you have really helped me to give myself time and help take off some of this weight. Thank you for that so much.

 

[K-O]

It is raw and my whole life feels altered, I feel like I'm stuck in a rotating door of emotions. I appreciate your kind words, and that you share your story with me. You're right that in the end it doesn't matter how things went wrong at least I know the love was there. I'm living with my regrets and being blamed by his family- and it hurts to feel on the outside of what is going on. I am trying to keep my hope alive and not make any crazy decisions until I can give more time to this grief. It is an incredibly crushing feeling that leaves me weak and desperate- I was ready to follow his lead but the people on here like you have really helped me to give myself time and help take off some of this weight. Thank you for that so much.

hi girl x
after a long time that his family blamed me (banned me from his funeral etc) and were very cruel to me they did finaly reach out apologied and regreted their actions.. and then i cut off ties.. it is for the best. pain cant be measured.. and ive punished myself too much and now i have to stop dwelling on things you cannot and could not really change.. i do think that the fact they dont want contact with you is for the best dear. concentrate on your healing now, thats the most important thing, mourn him in your own special private way and surround yourself with caring gentle souls x