I lost him and it's my fault

[BrokenAlien]

I found out yesterday that my love took his life. I found him on this site today because I have a plan to kill myself too. I let him down- and we were soulmates. Now he's gone and I think I don't have any other way to deal with this pain. I think I have to follow him because I can't live like this with missing him and feeling in so much pain. I couldn't find out how he took his life but now I find him on here and I am suffering because we were soulmates- we have the same method idea. I just want to be with him so desperately. I just hope and pray that I can see him if I die, I can't bear the pain and I hope that there is a place for us both... this fucking hurts so bad...

 

[Dizzy_Dreams]

I'm so sorry

 

[antigone_iris]

I found out yesterday that my love took his life. I found him on this site today because I have a plan to kill myself too. I let him down- and we were soulmates. Now he's gone and I think I don't have any other way to deal with this pain. I think I have to follow him because I can't live like this with missing him and feeling in so much pain. I couldn't find out how he took his life but now I find him on here and I am suffering because we were soulmates- we have the same method idea. I just want to be with him so desperately. I just hope and pray that I can see him if I die, I can't bear the pain and I hope that there is a place for us both... this fucking hurts so bad...

I'm so sorry for your loss! It's truly heartbreaking what you are going through

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll find comfort. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

 

[bov]

Your pain is telling you you have no choice but you do. Sending you strength and support.

 

[BrokenAlien]

I'm so sorry for your loss! It's truly heartbreaking what you are going through

My heart goes out to you, and I hope you'll find comfort. Sending you hugs and lots of love.

Thank you... It means so much. Everyone on here is so kind and it means the world that others could be here for him when I wasn't... It's so hard to live with this feeling

 

[K-O]

hi darling x
i understand your pain.. its unbearable.. and it is not your fault.
my love killed himself and died in my arms last year and i tried to follow.. 5 months later i found this site and now im in recovery and i didnt believe it could be possible to go on without my soulmate..
if you ever want to talk your can pm me.
youre not alone.
x

 

[bov]

hi darling x
i understand your pain.. its unbearable.. and it is not your fault.
my love killed himself and died in my arms last year and i tried to follow.. 5 months later i found this site and now im in recovery and i didnt believe it could be possible to go on without my soulmate..
if you ever want to talk your can pm me.
youre not alone.
x

You sound like just the person OP needed to hear from <3 Glad you're here.

 

[Meditation guide]

I found him on this site today because I have a plan to kill myself too

So it's just a coincidence that you happened to notice he had been on this forum?

Why couldn't you find out how he took his life? You two were pretty close.

 

[BrokenAlien]

hi darling x
i understand your pain.. its unbearable.. and it is not your fault.
my love killed himself and died in my arms last year and i tried to follow.. 5 months later i found this site and now im in recovery and i didnt believe it could be possible to go on without my soulmate..
if you ever want to talk your can pm me.
youre not alone.
x

Thank you so much for saying this.. I feel a lot like this grief will kill me. It is really good to hear that you are okay today and going on living. It means so much.. I'm bawling my eyes out and I needed this very much.

 

[BrokenAlien]

Your pain is telling you you have no choice but you do. Sending you strength and support.

Thank you so much. It's overwhelming how I'm feeling. I appreciate you.

So it's just a coincidence that you happened to notice he had been on this forum?

Why couldn't you find out how he took his life? You two were pretty close.

He mentioned something when we were together about a "Suicide forum". I've been in so much pain since I found out that I've been basically trying to find any ounce of him any mention of him. His family hates me because they blame me, I barely got any information about his death. I found this site and I've been looking into SN for my own accord- and then I finally find him on here and see he had the same idea. We were really close, I think we understood each others pain when so many others couldn't. It hurts like hell to know he had to go through this and I couldn't be there to help again

So it's just a coincidence that you happened to notice he had been on this forum?

Why couldn't you find out how he took his life? You two were pretty close.

When we got back together he mentioned the forum saying that people helped him a lot on there and that I should look at it for when I get bad too. I was looking all over the internet and I can't believe I found him and the site..

 

[Meditation guide]

I think we understood each others pain

He was upset about breaking up with you. That seemed to be his reason for it. How come you just found out yesterday? Why not sooner? Sorry, you don't have to answer these questions. I'm just trying to understand.

 

[bov]

Thank you so much. It's overwhelming how I'm feeling. I appreciate you.

He mentioned something when we were together about a "Suicide forum". I've been in so much pain since I found out that I've been basically trying to find any ounce of him any mention of him. His family hates me because they blame me, I barely got any information about his death. I found this site and I've been looking into SN for my own accord- and then I finally find him on here and see he had the same idea. We were really close, I think we understood each others pain when so many others couldn't. It hurts like hell to know he had to go through this and I couldn't be there to help again

When we got back together he mentioned the forum saying that people helped him a lot on there and that I should look at it for when I get bad too. I was looking all over the internet and I can't believe I found him and the site..

Is it rude to ask what his username was?

 

[BrokenAlien]

He was upset about breaking up with you. That seemed to be his reason for it. Did you go to the funeral?

It's really hard because I think I could've prevented it. I was scared of the controlling way things were getting and I couldn't be in a toxic situation. But now I feel like I failed him and I could've been there and I wasn't.

Is it rude to ask what his username was?

It's Stevenstevensteven. It kind of helps to feel like there's people who I can talk to about it so Its not rude, thank you

 

[Meditation guide]

It's really hard because I think I could've prevented it. I was scared of the controlling way things were getting and I couldn't be in a toxic situation. But now I feel like I failed him and I could've been there and I wasn't.

If the situation was toxic you were right to leave. There isn't much else to say. If you held out hope for him that you two would get back together it would still be the same dynamic of toxicity.

 

[BrokenAlien]

If the situation was toxic you were right to leave. There isn't much else to say. If you held out hope for him that you two would get back together it would still be the same dynamic of toxicity.

It's true, but for this to be the outcome is so hard to not regret my every action. I felt anger for the ways he treated me and now I am angry at myself. It hurts a lot to not have him here anymore, its unfathomable to me

 

[Meditation guide]

I felt anger for the ways he treated me

Then there was nothing else you could do. This was his decision. He had other issues apparently. It's terribly sad. But not your fault or responsibility.

I admit to finding this odd that the gf comes here, and manages to locate the ex boyfriends posts, but I guess it's not impossible.

 

[K-O]

listen to me love- none of this is your fault! his family and mother blamed me and labeled me a murderer! as if i didnt have enough guilt .. and am post trauma.. he would of died anyway there is no doubt about that. we cannot save people even if we are there and believe me i gave him my everything but he didnt know how to love himself and he was suicidal and got triggered..
in one week its going to be a year since he ctb.. and today was my first meeting with my psychologist that i stopped seeing when it happened because i planned to ctb as well so i cut off absolutely everyone and everything.. i still CANNOT believe i survived this but i did! it has been the most painfull time of my life but change is possible.
and again- im here if you will need or want to talk about anything.
we are stronger then we know..

 

[BrokenAlien]

Then there was nothing else you could do. This was his decision. He had other issues apparently. It's terribly sad. But not your fault or responsibility.

I admit to finding this odd that the gf comes here but I guess it's not impossible.

Honestly, it's insane and probably not something that happens often. But I had an inkling and had to follow it... At least now I know what he was going through at the end. I even posted first to see if anyone knew of his post trying to track it down. I can't seem to do anything but dwell on this pain

listen to me love- none of this is your fault! his family and mother blamed me and labeled me a murderer! as if i didnt have enough guilt .. and am post trauma.. he would of died anyway there is no doubt about that. we cannot save people even if we are there and believe me i gave him my everything but he didnt know how to love himself and he was suicidal and got triggered..
in one week its going to be a year since he ctb.. and today was my first meeting with my psychologist that i stopped seeing when it happened because i planned to ctb as well so i cut off absolutely everyone and everything.. i still CANNOT believe i survived this but i did! it has been the most painfull time of my life but change is possible.
and again- im here if you will need or want to talk about anything.
we are stronger then we know..

It means the world to me that you are sharing this. Thank you so much... This isn't the first suicide I've gone through, I lost my mom when I was 15. And losing him makes it so much harder because I'm living with this regret, this fear of causing anyone pain. I'm very glad that you survived. I appreciate your kindness so much and I'd like to chat more. It means so much to have someone who understands and came out the other side.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry for your loss. Regardless of whether it was a healthy or toxic relationship I can be so awful to lose the other person, especially to death. It's good to hear he found the community for support. I must say I don't recognize his username, but I'm happy I get to meet you. I hope you find support and comfort here. Feel free to reach out if you need a friend.

 

[K-O]

Honestly, it's insane and probably not something that happens often. But I had an inkling and had to follow it... At least now I know what he was going through at the end. I even posted first to see if anyone knew of his post trying to track it down. I can't seem to do anything but dwell on this pain

It means the world to me that you are sharing this. Thank you so much... This isn't the first suicide I've gone through, I lost my mom when I was 15. And losing him makes it so much harder because I'm living with this regret, this fear of causing anyone pain. I'm very glad that you survived. I appreciate your kindness so much and I'd like to chat more. It means so much to have someone who understands and came out the other side.

baby im glad i read your post.
ive also lost more loved ones to suicide.. family friends and my love in my early twenties..
life is overcoming loss it seems.. and we need much love and kindness to survive.

 

[BrokenAlien]

baby im glad i read your post.
ive also lost more loved ones to suicide.. family friends and my love in my early twenties..
life is overcoming loss it seems.. and we need much love and kindness to survive.

Thank you. You fill my heart right now, I have no words for how much it means.

He was upset about breaking up with you. That seemed to be his reason for it. How come you just found out yesterday? Why not sooner? Sorry, you don't have to answer these questions. I'm just trying to understand.

I got the call from his ex wife yesterday, but I've lost track of time since that moment. Nobody could find him for quite some time that day. And his family doesn't speak to me and I know they don't want anything to do with me. When I found out I had to pull over my car and just sit there sobbing- I've been so uncertain there's any coming back from the depth of this pain

 

[rt1989526]

Is he for sure gone??

 

[BrokenAlien]

Is he for sure gone??

Yes. The police found him dead is what I was told. I have that sick bargaining stage of grief hoping it's not true and maybe he's alive but I know the reality of it is he's gone.

 

[suicidal-raven]

I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you can find peace.

 

[BrokenAlien]

I'm so sorry that happened. I hope you can find peace.

Thank you. Thank you all for talking to me about this, it's the only place I've taken any comfort

 

[TripleA]

I found out yesterday that my love took his life. I found him on this site today because I have a plan to kill myself too. I let him down- and we were soulmates. Now he's gone and I think I don't have any other way to deal with this pain. I think I have to follow him because I can't live like this with missing him and feeling in so much pain. I couldn't find out how he took his life but now I find him on here and I am suffering because we were soulmates- we have the same method idea. I just want to be with him so desperately. I just hope and pray that I can see him if I die, I can't bear the pain and I hope that there is a place for us both... this fucking hurts so bad...

Are you talking about Steven?

 

[BrokenAlien]

Are you talking about Steven?

Yes, Steven. Were you on his threads?

 

[TripleA]

Yes, Steven. Were you on his threads?

Did he ctb with SN?

 

[K-O]

Thank you. Thank you all for talking to me about this, it's the only place I've taken any comfort

im so glad you logged in! pls share and stay here a while so you have much needed support. its so important.
its so goddam lonely and shakes your core, again your world is torn apart but it amazing to me that you let yourself be here now.
respect mate! truly xx

 

[BrokenAlien]

Did he ctb with SN?

Yes he did. Although his family won't talk to me- this is the most closure I can get..

I just saw his playlist.. the third su


He made a good playlist.

He had a playlist??