Venting I lost control of my body and mind

[drei003]

I thought I would never come to the point where I can't control my own body anymore.
I've been struggling with bulimia for the last 2 years but I didn't acknowledge it until now that I can barely taste anything without feeling nausious. I thought I could stop whenever I felt like I had "achieved" losing the extra weight that has always made me feel self-counsious, but now I simply can't eat anything without the need to puke it all out.
In only a month I lost 10 pounds, I've never lost that much weight in such a short amount of time, I'm finally on my "healthy" weight, and I see the numbers on the scale that should make me feel like it's time to stop, but I can't. If I try to eat, I puke, and if I don't eat, then I starve. Gosh, even the smell of food grosses me out to the point of avoiding anything related to it.
I never considered starvation as a method to CTB, I feel like it takes too long and my social anxiety could never take the looks of other people once they see me as a walking skeleton.

I am currently debating myself whether to go throught a recovery process (since I started this journey dreaming on having a fit and strong body), or, if I should just let myself die.

2 days ago I fainted in the middle of the street because I walked too much with only 3 cookies in my stomach, and even though ending up like this wasn't my goal, I really wish the next time I faint, I never wake up again.

(Sorry if my english is a bit messy, it isn't my native language xb⁶)

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

I thought I would never come to the point where I can't control my own body anymore.
I've been struggling with bulimia for the last 2 years but I didn't acknowledge it until now that I can barely taste anything without feeling nausious. I thought I could stop whenever I felt like I had "achieved" losing the extra weight that has always made me feel self-counsious, but now I simply can't eat anything without the need to puke it all out.
In only a month I lost 10 pounds, I've never lost that much weight in such a short amount of time, I'm finally on my "healthy" weight, and I see the numbers on the scale that should make me feel like it's time to stop, but I can't. If I try to eat, I puke, and if I don't eat, then I starve. Gosh, even the smell of food grosses me out to the point of avoiding anything related to it.
I never considered starvation as a method to CTB, I feel like it takes too long and my social anxiety could never take the looks of other people once they see me as a walking skeleton.

I am currently debating myself whether to go throught a recovery process (since I started this journey dreaming on having a fit and strong body), or, if I should just let myself die.

2 days ago I fainted in the middle of the street because I walked too much with only 3 cookies in my stomach, and even though ending up like this wasn't my goal, I really wish the next time I faint, I never wake up again.

(Sorry if my english is a bit messy, it isn't my native language xb⁶)

If you have even the slightest bit of ability to recover and function in the world I would say try that first. There are people (I am one of them) where there is no possibility for recovery...so if you have any chance for health, I would take that route first...and I do really hear you on never wanting to wake up again.

 

[Mirrory Me]

That's terrible, is there something you really like eating? It might be really hard to go troug with such uncorftable feelings... Maybe you think that pain is worth it, like no pain no gain, or maybe feeling bit guilty about it... But if you are really strugling then i bet there are healthier options to stay fit, so you don't get dizzy or sick.

 

[offtoseethewizard]

That sounds awful - but like @YosemiteGrrl said - if there's any way to fix it (I don't know if there is) please fight for it.

When you've got something completely incurable then you'll know it's hopeless. But maybe with some treatment after a couple years you could be completely healthy. It could be largely to do with readjusting your expectations of how you look.

Hoping you can see your way to a brighter moment

Don't see this as me discounting your suffering by the way, I know that eating disorders can be awful