i look happy on the outside.

[imonadeadline]

I'm a college student and I hang out with my friends every day that we have classes together. I noticed this in every interaction that I'm in; they probably can't tell that I am suicidal to the point of active ideation. Sure, we joke about killing ourselves at the slightest academic grievance but I don't think anyone but me has ever been completely serious about it. I also realized that I'm the chattiest and happiest looking in our group, always cracking jokes and moving around with a lot of energy.

I honestly thought that the "they looked so happy :(" was just a silly stereotype. I didn't know that I might turn out to be that person in the end.