Venting I like being depressed

[HappySisyphus]

I haven't been diagnosed with it, I have never liked self-diagnoses but at this point I don't know what else could explain it.
I guess "like" it's not really the right word, it's comforting more than anything, it gives me an excuse, it helps me justify everything to myself with just being depress, I believe this is the reason I self sabotage so often, because I don't want to get better, it terrifies me, if I feel terrible I can just cry or cut myself, but if I'm not depressed I can't do that, I would just have to keep going, I wouldn't be just able to just shut down.
If I were mentally fine I would also be terrified of relapsing and feeling like this again, but now even when I feel happy I know it's just a matter of time until I go back to how I normally am, I think I've just gotten used to it

 

[fwompie]

I haven't been diagnosed with it, I have never liked self-diagnoses but at this point I don't know what else could explain it.
I guess "like" it's not really the right word, it's comforting more than anything, it gives me an excuse, it helps me justify everything to myself with just being depress, I believe this is the reason I self sabotage so often, because I don't want to get better, it terrifies me, if I feel terrible I can just cry or cut myself, but if I'm not depressed I can't do that, I would just have to keep going, I wouldn't be just able to just shut down.
If I were mentally fine I would also be terrified of relapsing and feeling like this again, but now even when I feel happy I know it's just a matter of time until I go back to how I normally am, I think I've just gotten used to it

I love your username.

In my opinion oftentimes we know something is wrong and when you've struggled like this for years a diagnosis can be no surprise, you know what's up. Depending on the diagnosis I think it can be valid.

I also agree that it's comfortable, it's sometimes all we've known for a very long time. The idea of change can be scary, what will be left of me without my suffering?

Have you read Notes from the Underground by Dostoyevsky? It talks about this enjoyment in suffering, it's very interesting. Of course I don't condone wallowing in self-pity but if I'd say that and mean it, I'd be a huge hypocrite.

 

[hellispink]

When hell is all you have ever known, its hard to leave from that mental space. The outside the different is indeed scary. But its not an option to keep this up, either it finishes or it improves. None of us deserve this hell of uncertainty. This ain't no life.

 

[sjembek]

tysm for posting this. I feel exactly the same wtf

 

[Ferret77]

I personally believe that, if you're here, then you're probably not doing okay mentally...And you don't have to justify that. Life is suffering. It is hard. The world is cursed, but still, you find reasons to keep living...Besides, I'm tired. Really tired. I'm slowly giving up....And to be honest, I don't even really care anymore.
You seem to be struggling really hard too, and there's no shame in
self-diagnosing....After all, you know yourself the best, and if you genuinelly feel, that you have depression, then you probably have depression. I wish you all the best~

 

[butterfly3]

I feel the same, even though I feel guilty about it. when I fall deeper into depression, I sometimes feel kinda satisfied even though I hate feeling depressed. it's probably because I'm so used to it that it's become my comfort zone at this point. it's such a weird feeling. it also gives me more of an excuse to want to ctb, cus i've noticed that even when I'm not feeling particularly depressed or whatever, my mind still goes to ctb a lot. it's just what i've known for so much of my life