I know things won’t get better (because I won’t let them)

[pogostick]

I'm 19 and have been suicidal since I was 12.
It's never been about having a bad life or being unsuccessful or any sort of trauma or pain. For me, it's just this debilitating compulsion that hasn't gone away (mostly because I don't particularly want it to).
I think about CTB every day. Methods, the build up, aftermath. I don't feel bad about any part of it, I don't feel guilt or like I'm being selfish. I've attempted twice in the last 10 days but obviously failed both times in large due to SI, but I guess not having a concrete reason to CTB makes it harder to justify once you're at the point of carrying out the deed.
My instincts were telling me NO NO NO, coming up with mundane shit like the fact I'll never be able to lay in my comfy bed again or watch a video on my phone, and I have no good reason to justify never having those things again. I just want to CTB. I want to do it so bad and I don't *really* know why.

I don't know why I'm making this post, I guess I just feel helpless. I've rejected councillors and been rejected by councillors due to my unwillingness to change or put effort into recovery. It's complicated. I don't want to want to CTB, but if this is how my brain is wired then I'm gonna commit.
Suicide has always felt right to me. It feels like it's what I was made for, in a way.

When I was at my worst a few months ago I was desperate and distressed and I wanted to die so incredibly bad, but I had no plan. I told myself that no matter what happened, I had to CTB because I never wanted to feel that way again. I won't do myself the disservice of allowing myself to suffer again.

I really hope I can find some kind of community here, I plan to attempt again and hopefully successfully die before September 18th.

 

[pogostick]

I think I'm slowly realising that none of this shit matters.
Eventhough I really desperately want to kill myself, I know there's a part of me that's desperate to live and that part of me dies a little more every day. I'm coming to terms with the fact that nobody is going to help me, nobody really can.
I can post all I want, ghost people, tell people I feel like shit. It doesn't matter. I've been doing this for years and it always ends the same.

 

[Don’tWakeMe]

I thought about death and suicide constantly, all day every day, for over a decade, and i didn't know that it wasn't normal until I finally saw a psychiatrist. I thought everyone was thinking about that all the time, just like me, but as a polite society, we just didn't talk about it. You don't know what you don't know.

 

[otium]

I too restrain my self who wants to get better. Because I feel comfortable in thinking the way I do, I think Ive just come to terms with that my life wasn't meant to be.

 

[melonpan]

It throws me off because it feels like I'm reading a post written by me. I get it, maybe we were just born with a little missing wiring in our head. Yet, suicide almost gives a sense of comfort in that the compulsions are always there.