I Know It's the Right Decision But I'm Still Struggling With It

[KafkaF]

I'm at a stage where... I know fairly certainly that CTB is right decision for me. I know it's the only way to make the pain stop and I know things aren't gonna get any better and there's no hope for me anymore. I know all of this on a purely rational level. But emotionally... it's really hard to accept.

There's some part of me that keeps wanting to hope that there's some kind of solution. That things will somehow all work out. That something will fall from the sky and save me, basically. Some miracle. And then another part of me is honestly just really scared of non-existence.

CTB is almost certainly the right decision for me and I know it. But I wish it wasn't. And that's really tripping me up. And I'm not sure how I get passed it.

I just keep wishing that things were different. That I didn't need to CTB. That my situation would improve. Or that it had never gotten to this place in the first place. Or that I could somehow turn back time or be someone else. But I know that none of that is possible. I know wishing doesn't make it so. And I know that I SHOULD end it, even if I don't want that to be the case.

Yet it (and the fear of non-existence) stops me from CTB. And it's so stupid and frustrating. And I just am not sure what to do about it.

 

[Golden]

I relate to this post so much. Hoping for a miracle which I know can't ever happen

 

[NoHorizon]

I feel like this too. I know things aren't going to be good enough for me to want to live, but I'm still grasping at anything that might magically fix things when I know it's all futile. There's just so much fear around the process of dying, will it work, the impact on family etc.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I'm not sure if killing myself is the right choice either, but I'm still going to do it. We can only take in so much information before making a decision. My decision is death by suicide jumping. Is it scary?...yep. Am I going to be terrified?...yep. Am I still going to do it?...yep. why? Because it is less scary/terrifying then continuing on with the ups and downs of life. I've ridden this roller coaster enough. I am getting motion sickness, but the ride won't stop. So I am jumping off while it is still moving.

 

[thewalkingdread]

There's some part of me that keeps wanting to hope that there's some kind of solution. That things will somehow all work out. That something will fall from the sky and save me, basically. Some miracle. And then another part of me is honestly just really scared of non-existence.

CTB is almost certainly the right decision for me and I know it. But I wish it wasn't. And that's really tripping me up. And I'm not sure how I get passed it.

Yeah... I feel this anguish too...

 

[BarnabasCollins]

I know it's the right choice. Nothing's going to get better. In fact, I know it will get worse. I'm just scared of oblivion.