MikUma
certified red flag
- Dec 7, 2023
- 53
so i was supposed to do "it" on may 19th, technechally the 20th, really early in the morning, but it didn't work. I planned on using the nightnight method and the turniquet method, but it ended up falling off after I blacked out. I have made plans with people who have asked and I'm really regretting it. Tonight is such a good night where I can sneak out and walk to the train tracks, but now I have plans booked again whereas when I thought I was leaving on the 20th, I made sure my schedule was empty and I didn't have anything left to do. So now, I'm sitting in bed, at 3:30 am, knowing that everything is pretty much perfect to CTB, I still have my notes out on my desk, I still have all of the Post It Notes with my friends and families names on the things I think they should take from me. I'm not feeling like I don't want to go to the tracks tonight, I know that I could, but I planned an out of town trip with some people, and a friend is staying with me in about a month. I made a mistake, and shouldn't have made those plans, and I regret it all. I should have CTB o nthe 20th, and I wouldn't even be here. :// I don't know what to do. My flight is to see my little cousins up in Portland (the Oregon Portland) (I live in LA), and my friend from out of town is visiting and staying at my house, and I'm her place to stay. UGH guys I know I put myself into this position but I shouldn't even be here and I'm the one to blame for it. I wish I was dead and not here but now isn't the time, even though I know how perfectly it'd work tonight. I feel trapped. I love my friend, let alone the fact that she's also my childhood friend/ best friend, and I love my cousins a thousand times, too. If I did even end up goin through tonight, it's my grandma's birthday today and I don't wanna put stress on people. I wish I took my chance last week.
