Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
People are always judging we all do. Its human. Many judgements though will never be told bc of many reasons.
My latest encounter with trauma hypervigilance got me seein things a lil more clearly. Which sounds wild bc hypervigilance is sometimes seeing things incorrectly.
Within my supports there is sooo much judgement that I just didn't take the time to see. I see it now. I see where I have messed up.
Anyway this time without alerting or telling anyone beyond this website I would like to kill myself. Same story. Body & Mind too fucked for this life long term.
Method is probs hanging but if I can get a bit creative with drugs / harmful substances and die that way. That'd be nice.
Its one if my friends birthday this weekend so not this weekend even tho timeline wose that would feel perfect for me. But the least I can do is not kill myself on her birthday.
So next week or latest end of month. When I was younger I used to research like cyanide found naturally in certain foods or smthin and think aboit killing myself that way. When depressed and suicidal... executing a plan with lots if steps is hard...
But this time around I'm just discouraged not full on depressed so ima keep aiming for methods that are possiblly painless/quick and such.
Shall see. But I'm certain this time around I think. If im not thats ok too.
Im taking a break from friends & supports & such bc my nervous systemed got fucked up on Saturday/bc of a week full of all these emotions and new things.
So, within this break I'll just silently disappear. I wish I could leave without impacting anyone. Like if I could die but also be erased from everyone's mind. It'd be sooo happy but, that's not possible and I feel bad that my suicides gotta have a negative impact but... this life is just. Too. Much.
Like image needing treatment and stuff that is not government covered to literally survive and thrive but not having anyway to afford it long term? Haaa I'll keep trying in this life in my own way but :/ yee
My latest encounter with trauma hypervigilance got me seein things a lil more clearly. Which sounds wild bc hypervigilance is sometimes seeing things incorrectly.
Within my supports there is sooo much judgement that I just didn't take the time to see. I see it now. I see where I have messed up.
Anyway this time without alerting or telling anyone beyond this website I would like to kill myself. Same story. Body & Mind too fucked for this life long term.
Method is probs hanging but if I can get a bit creative with drugs / harmful substances and die that way. That'd be nice.
Its one if my friends birthday this weekend so not this weekend even tho timeline wose that would feel perfect for me. But the least I can do is not kill myself on her birthday.
So next week or latest end of month. When I was younger I used to research like cyanide found naturally in certain foods or smthin and think aboit killing myself that way. When depressed and suicidal... executing a plan with lots if steps is hard...
But this time around I'm just discouraged not full on depressed so ima keep aiming for methods that are possiblly painless/quick and such.
Shall see. But I'm certain this time around I think. If im not thats ok too.
Im taking a break from friends & supports & such bc my nervous systemed got fucked up on Saturday/bc of a week full of all these emotions and new things.
So, within this break I'll just silently disappear. I wish I could leave without impacting anyone. Like if I could die but also be erased from everyone's mind. It'd be sooo happy but, that's not possible and I feel bad that my suicides gotta have a negative impact but... this life is just. Too. Much.
Like image needing treatment and stuff that is not government covered to literally survive and thrive but not having anyway to afford it long term? Haaa I'll keep trying in this life in my own way but :/ yee
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