Venting I Keep Wondering If I Could’ve Changed the Outcome

[sleep4eternity]

I recently found out that an ex I dated over a decade ago passed away in November 2024. Back when we broke up, he kept trying to get me to promise that I'd get back together with him once he got his GED. It was a long-distance relationship, and when we met in person, we didn't really click. We had nothing in common, and honestly, I just didn't feel it. He, on the other hand, seemed extremely attached. I broke up with him and refused to make the promise he wanted.

Fast forward to 2018, his best friend messaged me on Snapchat, claiming he had been shot and died. I was shocked, but something felt off, so I reached out to a mutual friend and found out he was very much alive. Then in 2020, he sent me a message request on Facebook saying, "I'm back from the dead." I didn't respond. I didn't accept the message or the friend request, but I still kept an eye on his profile to make sure he was okay. I noticed he went through a drug binge for a while. Then last year, he seemed to be getting his life together and becoming active again. But a few weeks after his birthday in November, he overdosed and passed away.

Now I'm filled with guilt. I don't know if he ever dated anyone after me. And if he didn't, I can't stop wondering if I'm to blame. A part of me feels like I deserve all the pain and guilt I'm feeling right now. I can't explain why I feel this way.

My mind is full of so many jumbled thoughts, regrets, emotions, and I'm not even sure how to put these into words. This post is basically me spilling everything I've been holding in. I keep thinking...maybe I should've reached out. Maybe I should've talked to him. But then again, what if the outcome would've been the same regardless? What if nothing I did could've changed how it ended?

My anxiety has been high, but manageable in a way. The urges to relapsed back into SH is high though. I can't smoke weed either since work will drug test me. I don't want to drink either because I have tendency to become an alcoholic.... What. The. Fuck....fuck fuuuuck fuuuuuuuuuck FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK- - -

 

[ma0]

You obviously couldn't have predicted his passing at the time, and you seemed to just be doing what you felt most comfortable with. It's incredibly hard to blame you for anything in that respect.

If nothing else, just know that nothing was your fault in the slightest. If it was an overdose, then not much would've likely changed if you did reach out. If he didn't die, he probably would've still suffered in health. You had nothing to do with it.

 

[U. A.]

not your fault. and given that he seemed to try and orchestrate some kind of weird fake-death thing before this, honestly this person sounds awful and i think you were doing the right thing keeping your distance this whole time.
someone else's life isn't your responsibility because you dated then separated when realising there was something missing.
i hope you can give yourself some kindness

 

[fedup1982]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know I'm one to talk but there comes a point when "what ifs" are a black hole for mental energy and just need to be stopped as soon as you realise you're doing it.

Ask yourself "how is this what if benefiting me". If it's not, then drop it like a hot brick.

 

[BradGuy123]

First of all, I am sorry you are experiencing this. I'm not trying to minimize or invalidate your feelings here. But, you didn't feel a connection with him. Back in my single days there were times when the attraction was one sided (both with me only experiencing the attraction and them only experiencing the attraction.) That's part of life. There was no way you could have foreseen what was going to happen. Even if you did, it wouldn't have been good or fair to either one of you for you to stay in a long-term relationship that didn't feel right for you. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. Sending you a virtual hug.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

i kinda understand how he felt with this, sometimes with some people it's really really hard to move on from one person to another.
it's something like constantly being reminded and the memory that lingers and doesn't really go away, the thoughts and anxiety etc.
I think he felt that. I have it too on occasions. but I try my best to keep them intact and try to avoid it controlling me.
I think he couldn't control it. but this really isn't your fault by any means.
just like how I eventually figured out how to control them, I think he could have too.
but a mix of bad friends maybe, and drugs and etc. made him unable to.
and ended up going into the path that eventually being his downfall.

I'm very sorry you had to go learn it the way you did. and experience such. it must've suck.
best thing I can tell you is try to avoid thinking about it. anything related to him or drugs, just keep yourself busy. and eventually perhaps it'll just be a faded memory.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Not your fault, not your responsibility, you had nothing to do with it. It was the sickness inside him that kept him obsessed and doing horrible abusive things like faking his death after you told him no. You owe him nothing.

 

[TBONTB]

I'm replying late and jumping on the "it's not about you" bandwagon.

Just notice this. It was OVER SIX YEARS between the end of your relationship and his death. Whatever suffering he had, and it seems considerable, had absolutely nothing to do with you. You behaved like a normal person...you dated, decided it wasn't right for you and broke it off, and then declined further contact. (Which was kind of creepy contact, honestly).

And now your mind is going back and doing what human brains do when they face a shock or a trauma. Obsessing, looking backwards, getting stuck. Try to start retraining it. If you have any good cognitive techniques this would be a good place to try them, just to get your brain unstuck. Perhaps the Buddhist "just observe the thought" technique. Or perhaps the cognitive reframing of the thought. For example "I knew this person and feel sad that they made the choices they did, but I understand their world was very separate from mine"...or whatever is true.

Best to you, feel better soon