Venting I keep trying so hard to get better, but I always end up in a worse place than before, always end up with these feelings

[Feline Fine]

I've lost years of my life due to my mental health, having no real treatment because this country doesn't care to help anyone like me, I've tried every avenue to get better and get help,, something, anything to help me. I've been doing my best for my whole life but people in my life either don't believe how bad things are for me, or abandon me once they do because it hurts too much to see me try my best and fail anyway, no matter what I do. I've been told as much by my old best friend, after a month of me trying to find out why she ghosted me. And shortly after that my partner at the time did the exact same thing, despite having to hold me in her arms and try to comfort me when I broke down over that in the middle of the night. I've lost almost everyone from before I got truly ruined, and the last person left has made it kinda clear they don't want to be my friend or make an effort with me any more, she says I need to try harder, like I like living how I do. Stuck inside for day, even weeks or months, at a time, because I've been treated so badly because of what I am, and because my body has been ruined because all the help I ever had was taken away, and I was left to deal with my body getting worse and worse, out of my control, for years. Forever going to be too poor to afford the procedures I would need to feel human again, to not constantly feel disgusting and broken and ruined. I've lost my disability payments despite my circumstances, I don't think I'll live much longer no matter what. I've tried so hard and every day I try just gives me another to hurt in, more than the last. I just can't do it any more. I always end up like this. I try so hard and fall so much that I wear myself down to the bone, and then I end up trying again even though I never have any reason to. And it just ruins me further.
Even if I could afford what I need it would still take years to make me feel like I could pretend to be human, I can't live another day like this. It's hell. After my ex ghosted me I spent a year and a half with no one except my roommates, for 6 months of that I didn't even have any substantial online contact with anyone. I've been so ruined and destroyed by this life. It's not worth living like this, it's hell. It's literally hell. All I have is what I've lost and it hurts so much. I've tried so hard.
I really wanted the chance to live a real life, I know that life could be beautiful if I was allowed to live it, but I'll never be allowed because of where I live and being unable to afford to make my body something I can stomach being in
I try so hard to be good and kind, yet I feel like this can't be anything but punishment
I've only ever done my best
I don't want to be alone any more I don't want to have to give up but I've tried so hard for so long and it's only ever gotten worse
Please help me
I don't want to live like this, I can't take it
I just wanted to be good

 

[suicidalheadcase]

hey feel free to message me

 

[Feline Fine]

hey feel free to message me

Thank you

 

[faust]

Hello, I have tried many things myself too. All of them are almost useless.
I know how it feels when people leave because they are looking for "easy" relationships and cannot understand that sometimes life can be difficult, and the ones who are deemed "hard to communicate to" truly need somebody by his/her side.
It is very hard to read your words and I am sorry life is unfair to such a sensitive and caring person.
I live in Ireland so I expect medicine in your country is pretty much the same.
Sending you a warm hug and, please, feel free to contact me should you need that

 

[Feline Fine]

Hello, I have tried many things myself too. All of them are almost useless.
I know how it feels when people leave because they are looking for "easy" relationships and cannot understand that sometimes life can be difficult, and the ones who are deemed "hard to communicate to" truly need somebody by his/her side.
It is very hard to read your words and I am sorry life is unfair to such a sensitive and caring person.
I live in Ireland so I expect medicine in your country is pretty much the same.
Sending you a warm hug and, please, feel free to contact me should you need that

I appreciate that, thank you