Venting I keep putting it off

[violetskin96]

i want to die before the end of the year. i want to die. my condition isn't better. i feel like should die. I hate my life and it's unsustainable. i'm praying to overcome my illness and disease in the next few weeks ( yeah, right) or for the courage and strength to do this by december 1st. Being so isolated and sad, this is no way to live.

 

[Xerxes]

Whats keeping you from ctb'ing?

 

[violetskin96]

Whats keeping you from ctb'ing?

responsibilities at work were animals depend on me, hoping things will get better, hoping i'll be able to do things....but 99% of the time i am let down. things continue to get worse. my family and fear is probably part of it also, but i cant keep living a life that's so miserable so i don't devestate my family, they already feel i am a burden, and difficult to deal with.

 

[Xerxes]

I've been in the same boat. Tired of life, but also want the pain to end or disappear without anyone feeling anything. If I feel too trapped, I'll do something on impulse, which is bad.

 

[violetskin96]

I agree, it's gonna have to be impluse, i'm just hoping i can be smart enough to set up a viable situation ahead of time. whenever i'm driving i just want to speed up and yank the wheel, flip over into a lake or down a mountain or into traffic but i know that wouldn't work.

 

[Xerxes]

Yeah I have this giant oak tree that's planted on a median. I always take a long look at it as I drive by everyday, thinking I can edge my vehicle closer to it. I've also considered different hanging spots, and even thought about messy ways like slitting my own throat. But it comes down to raw nerves. I feel cowardly and self-hatred at the same time. I want my pain to end, but I cling to hope. The times I have attempted were on impulse, where I ran on testosterone and didn't feel anything until the person who saved me made sure I spent 2 weeks in the ICU and then a month in psych. May you find peace whenever the time is right.

 

[violetskin96]

Yeah I have this giant oak tree that's planted on a median. I always take a long look at it as I drive by everyday, thinking I can edge my vehicle closer to it. I've also considered different hanging spots, and even thought about messy ways like slitting my own throat. But it comes down to raw nerves. I feel cowardly and self-hatred at the same time. I want my pain to end, but I cling to hope. The times I have attempted were on impulse, where I ran on testosterone and didn't feel anything until the person who saved me made sure I spent 2 weeks in the ICU and then a month in psych. May you find peace whenever the time is right.

how did you attempt?

 

[Xerxes]

OD on Seroquel while running my moms truck in an enclosed garage. Sleepy effect plus CO2 poisoning. I don't remember too much, my memory is bad and my eye twitches often.

 

[violetskin96]

OD on Seroquel while running my moms truck in an enclosed garage. Sleepy effect plus CO2 poisoning. I don't remember too much, my memory is bad and my eye twitches often.

i see, i think time and privacy is important to being successful.