Neowise
We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
- Oct 7, 2020
- 516
I imagine taking a razor blade, placing it on the pulsating area of my left wrist and quickly but firmly drawing it down to my elbow. The sharp pain, the stream of blood. Maybe I need to cut a second time to open the artery right. Then I quickly change hand without thinking and take the blade to my right wrist, doing the same, feeling this pain a second time. Feeling the blade cut through my flesh, seeing these huge wounds with the sliced skin and the tissue layers beneath, feeling the pain burn in my arms, watching the blood leave my body froming a puddle below me is so thrilling, really exciting. I love every bit of it.
Not necessarily to kill myself. Just for the sensation. If life was a videogame where you could just load an old save I'd totally do it just to know what it feels like and then load the old save to not have to deal with the scars and the hospitalisation. The imagination gives me a sense of relief.
Sometimes I have the urge to just do it. Like someone has the urge to listen to a specific song or eat a piece of chocolate. I just sometimes think "what if I took that knife right now and just did it?". I don't know why it fascinates me that much, I haven't even self-harmed before. Right now in this moment for example, I really wished I could do it without dying and without having the wounds for more than 5 minutes. I wished they would magically heal back up without scars and leave no trace. Then I'd do it. But of course I hold myself back because I know it would be a really bad idea. It's a bummer. Why can't I be obsessed with sports or work or something, why does it have to be something I can't (shouldn't) do?
My mind is sick beyond repair.
Not necessarily to kill myself. Just for the sensation. If life was a videogame where you could just load an old save I'd totally do it just to know what it feels like and then load the old save to not have to deal with the scars and the hospitalisation. The imagination gives me a sense of relief.
Sometimes I have the urge to just do it. Like someone has the urge to listen to a specific song or eat a piece of chocolate. I just sometimes think "what if I took that knife right now and just did it?". I don't know why it fascinates me that much, I haven't even self-harmed before. Right now in this moment for example, I really wished I could do it without dying and without having the wounds for more than 5 minutes. I wished they would magically heal back up without scars and leave no trace. Then I'd do it. But of course I hold myself back because I know it would be a really bad idea. It's a bummer. Why can't I be obsessed with sports or work or something, why does it have to be something I can't (shouldn't) do?
My mind is sick beyond repair.
