I keep delaying

[Idontmatter]

I'm constantly delaying my death. Lately as much as I want to do it , it just hasn't felt like the right time. I'm not setting a date again. Im upping my life insurance at work so it will go into effect Jan 1 for my husband. I told him how much money he is getting so he at least knows that. I think he finally gets the picture that it's going to happen. He keeps naming places we can go on day trips because he knows I like to get away from the house so I can get my thoughts together and to just get away. It's his way of trying to talk me out of it I think. I could be wrong but I'm telling myself that. Like I said im not setting a date but im aiming towards February to get my work life insurance going to avoid any issues for him. I swear he is the only thing keeping me alive right now. Plus I'm having the hardest time getting motivated which means I still have small loose ends i have to get taken care of. I feel better knowing he is going to be ok for a few years financially after my death to give him time to grieve. All the sn I have is just waiting for me to take. Every time I see a person take their life whether on here or on the news it makes the urges stronger. It literally has taken everything I have to survive up to this point. Being mentally ill feels horrible. Not to mention I still feel guilty because other people have physical ailments that ruin their life and here I am not being able to handle life. Sorry for the long post.

 

[theboy]

Me 2

 

[Idontmatter]

I think doing the life insurance increase will help my guilt for shattering his life which pushes me to finally do it.

 

[makethepainstop]

I'm constantly delaying my death. Lately as much as I want to do it , it just hasn't felt like the right time. I'm not setting a date again. Im upping my life insurance at work so it will go into effect Jan 1 for my husband. I told him how much money he is getting so he at least knows that. I think he finally gets the picture that it's going to happen. He keeps naming places we can go on day trips because he knows I like to get away from the house so I can get my thoughts together and to just get away. It's his way of trying to talk me out of it I think. I could be wrong but I'm telling myself that. Like I said im not setting a date but im aiming towards February to get my work life insurance going to avoid any issues for him. I swear he is the only thing keeping me alive right now. Plus I'm having the hardest time getting motivated which means I still have small loose ends i have to get taken care of. I feel better knowing he is going to be ok for a few years financially after my death to give him time to grieve. All the sn I have is just waiting for me to take. Every time I see a person take their life whether on here or on the news it makes the urges stronger. It literally has taken everything I have to survive up to this point. Being mentally ill feels horrible. Not to mention I still feel guilty because other people have physical ailments that ruin their life and here I am not being able to handle life. Sorry for the long post.

Ok if you keep delaying, a another bus is comming whenever you are ready. Remember only the one who wishes to depart, can decide the time for the bus to arrive! Much love to you in your pain.

 

[Idontmatter]

Ok if you keep delaying, an another bus is comming whenever you are ready. Remember only the one who wishes to depart, can decide the time for the bus to arrive! Much love to you in your pain.

The bus is definitely coming soon. Just have these final things to do before I get on it.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Yes I feel the same. I also suffer everyday. But I'm stuck. I wish things would be easier.

 

[Nirrend]

I'm constantly delaying my death. Lately as much as I want to do it , it just hasn't felt like the right time. I'm not setting a date again. Im upping my life insurance at work so it will go into effect Jan 1 for my husband. I told him how much money he is getting so he at least knows that. I think he finally gets the picture that it's going to happen. He keeps naming places we can go on day trips because he knows I like to get away from the house so I can get my thoughts together and to just get away. It's his way of trying to talk me out of it I think. I could be wrong but I'm telling myself that. Like I said im not setting a date but im aiming towards February to get my work life insurance going to avoid any issues for him. I swear he is the only thing keeping me alive right now. Plus I'm having the hardest time getting motivated which means I still have small loose ends i have to get taken care of. I feel better knowing he is going to be ok for a few years financially after my death to give him time to grieve. All the sn I have is just waiting for me to take. Every time I see a person take their life whether on here or on the news it makes the urges stronger. It literally has taken everything I have to survive up to this point. Being mentally ill feels horrible. Not to mention I still feel guilty because other people have physical ailments that ruin their life and here I am not being able to handle life. Sorry for the long post.

Hi sweet @Idontmatter

I'm sorry you're going through all this ❤

This post felt like it had to come out, you apologise at the end, you talk about how tired and stressed you are and I think the last few days must have been very complicated...

Reading you I feel both indecisive and sure of yourself, exhausted, sad and I guess even torn when you think of your husband. Loneliness is heavy when faced with these kinds of thoughts and I imagine you must feel very guilty to consider letting him go on without you

If I'm wrong, I'm sorry, but if you can relate to what I'm saying, please know that I understand the pain you're feeling through this situation and from the bottom of my heart I give you all the warmth I can ❤

Choosing a date is reassuring but at the same time, to be sure that this date is really a time marker to act, you must already have everything ready deep inside you

I went through these stages and like other people here, my date didn't really help me, I'm still here because I find it too hard to contemplate the fact of leaving the person I love alone (but yet dying also appears to me as something fantastic and that I dream about above all) and also, because I revealed all my plans while being drunk one night

It's not easy, I understand, it's exhausting to live in a constant dilemma

I'm not saying this to brag, but if it helps you think about what you're going through, I made an experiment on me where I wrote everything to understand suicidal crisis (even if it was only to facilitate my courage to do it, you know I'm not incitating and of course, I would love to see you recovering). Here is the link https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/3-months-of-death-diary-final-concluding-comments-3.100763/

I don't know your whole story, I don't know if he knows about your plans, if he knows what you're going through or if you've told him your thoughts but,

If I assume that he knows that you just have thoughts but that you never told him about the project, chances are that he feels an extreme fear of losing you, that he has indeed an intuition that something is going on, or maybe he feels that you are not projecting yourself in a distant future with him and that, you as well as he, feel that there is an uneasiness on this subject (the future), a heavy, sad, dramatic uneasiness...

I think that on both sides sometimes, when this theme is not put aside by diversion or because life makes us busy, I suppose that you as well as he understand the drama that is approaching fast

I wanted to say sweet @Idontmatter

I don't know the history and the cause of this deep despair in you, but, I hope from the bottom of my heart that there are still ways to rescue you ❤

Maybe here or someone can still bring you a lifeline, maybe these torments can be resolved ❤❤

I guess your unhappiness is very old and has grown so much in you that you may feel siamese with that unhappiness sometimes. That other you that lives inside you.

I really hope and think from the bottom of my heart that it is still possible for you to be happy in this life, I wish you that, we love you and we only want that for you ❤

Obviously, if you've tried everything, I'm not going to insist, but know that if we can do even a little something, just say so, we'll send you our lifelines ❤

I think you are a very strong person, who has always swum well in your life, but for a little while now you have been too tired to swim like you used to do so well, so you sometimes drink the cup

You have courage, don't be hard on yourself and don't forget us, you're not alone ❤

Wishing you the best, Love ❤

 

[FuneralCry]

You shouldn't feel so guilty about your feelings because after all, as humans we all have different limits as to what we can cope with in life. Someone else will always be enduring more suffering than us but that doesn't mean that our wish to die is not valid.
I agree that it's best not to set a date for ctb, I believe that it's preferable to exit when the time feels right instead. If one sets a date then something could easily get in the way of our plans.

But I do get that it can be awful and tiring having to endure a life that is just constant and endless suffering. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this life, you find the freedom that you wish for.