Venting I just wish I were normal

[glistetningtears]

I've never been in a relationship. I overall lost so many experiences bc of my mental illness. I thought my life was over so I decided to end it. I had started planning my death two/three months ago. Just totally gave up on everything. It's so much easier to let go than to try and live like this. And then, of all things, I met someone. And it made everything worse. Because now I'm actually in pain, every single day. I spend my time wishing I weren't sick. Wishing I were normal. A normal person, just a nice one, being able to be happy and create a good relationship. But no. I am fucked up. I probably have bpd, my psychiatrist approved me getting tested for it ig. And it's pure fucking pain. I met them online, I miss them every second of the day, when I don't suddenly find them revolting. They don't know how serious my illness is and I need to tell them soon. They're no stranger to suicidal people and death so there's a great chance of them leaving me. One person can only handle so much pain. Every time they start telling me how much they like me, I want to scratch my eyes out because I know it's going to end soon enough. They've made me doubt my plans but I don't know if it's enough. My life is still fucked. I won't blame them at all if they decide to take off. Then I'll surely be dead soon. But omg. Why? Why?? Why can't I be normal? I never thought of mental illness as of something bad. It's all I remember. I never hoped for anything good, always knew I'd ctb one day. But now, now I can see what I'm losing. I can see it destroying everything, step by step. It makes me sick. My meds stopped working. I just literally can't handle this. I never expected anything, I gave up. Now I have something and I don't want to be ill, I want to be normal and I can't. I'm dreading telling them. I don't know how. I am so scared they will leave. It will hurt so bad. And all of the amazing moments will be gone just like that. Imploded with truth, with who I really am. I've been delusional for this whole time, it's impossible for me to have something good. Now, my true life is catching up with me and tearing this out of my hands. I don't know what to do. I am terrified. Cheers I guess.

 

[iforgotmyacc]

I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. I am right there with you. I too was actually planning my death for real this time around a month or two ago.

And then it happened. Randomly. I met him.

And now I too am spending 24/7 thinking about him and being bitter about the fact that I will never be good enough. That I am too ill, too this and too that. That he will find someone else and that I will be stuck being alive seeing him become happy with another girl. I also keep thinking how silly it is that at times I dare to think I have a real chance with him. Apart from the fact that he looks like a god he also has the best personality. And I look like a tall scary fat ogre and am a piece of shit. So it's like. Wow. I just can't handle it. The pain that this has added is actually unbearable. And I constantly am asking myself: "is this a fucking joke or what?" It is a constant limbo of: "oh shit, he messaged me, I am dying from happiness" and then to: "okay fuck, I can never be his anyway so please where is my nembutal (and why is it so fucking expensive btw? why does dying peacefully have to ALSO be so goddamn hard????)" Just want to say I really understand. This is just so hard, especially cause we're already dealing with suicidal thoughts apart from all this.

The best thing we can do is just tell them straight up about our entire situation. Because sooner or later, they will find out anyway. And I know how much it hurts to tell them and risk losing them. But procrastinating and not saying anything, and feelings getting stronger and then getting hurt might hurt even more.

Also, what if they say: "it doesn't matter, I want you anyway."

Idk that would probably single handedly solve my suicidality, maybe they're here to save us? I just don't know. Maybe I am delusional. Actually, not maybe, I probably am.

I am so scared to lose him. And I know that I will. And I know that that will be the final trigger. Maybe for the better. (And maybe that's why he ACTUALLY came into my life in the first place)

So sorry you're going through this as well. Hugs

 

[FuneralCry]

Living really is so painful, and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be what you are going through. I'm sorry that you suffer so much. I hope that you find relief.

 

[glistetningtears]

I just want to say that I know exactly how you feel. I am right there with you. I too was actually planning my death for real this time around a month or two ago.

And then it happened. Randomly. I met him.

And now I too am spending 24/7 thinking about him and being bitter about the fact that I will never be good enough. That I am too ill, too this and too that. That he will find someone else and that I will be stuck being alive seeing him become happy with another girl. I also keep thinking how silly it is that at times I dare to think I have a real chance with him. Apart from the fact that he looks like a god he also has the best personality. And I look like a tall scary fat ogre and am a piece of shit. So it's like. Wow. I just can't handle it. The pain that this has added is actually unbearable. And I constantly am asking myself: "is this a fucking joke or what?" It is a constant limbo of: "oh shit, he messaged me, I am dying from happiness" and then to: "okay fuck, I can never be his anyway so please where is my nembutal (and why is it so fucking expensive btw? why does dying peacefully have to ALSO be so goddamn hard????)" Just want to say I really understand. This is just so hard, especially cause we're already dealing with suicidal thoughts apart from all this.

The best thing we can do is just tell them straight up about our entire situation. Because sooner or later, they will find out anyway. And I know how much it hurts to tell them and risk losing them. But procrastinating and not saying anything, and feelings getting stronger and then getting hurt might hurt even more.

Also, what if they say: "it doesn't matter, I want you anyway."

Idk that would probably single handedly solve my suicidality, maybe they're here to save us? I just don't know. Maybe I am delusional. Actually, not maybe, I probably am.

I am so scared to lose him. And I know that I will. And I know that that will be the final trigger. Maybe for the better. (And maybe that's why he ACTUALLY came into my life in the first place)

So sorry you're going through this as well. Hugs

Oh my gosh I was not expecting this. I'm so happy that you've met him. Believe him please, they do like you, for real <3 Just be with them, don't question it. Like really, just don't. They're there and with you. It's all that matters. And yeah lmao nembutal is a painnnnnn, why is it so hard to get...
I'm honestly waiting for the right time for me, for when I'll be able to have a breakdown and not get up for days. Because if they dump me it's going to be bad. I've never been more busy, it's so painful actually. Like shit, why now... I want to get this over with.
Does he now you're suicidal? And yeah I think of it in a similar way, they'll just be the final trigger if they do dump me. It will give me the final push. At least SN is fully legal and awfully cheap here.
Thank you so much for responding <3 I'm really sorry for you too, I hope it ends well because it's the best thing. Hugs to you too

Living really is so painful, and I cannot even imagine how hard it must be what you are going through. I'm sorry that you suffer so much. I hope that you find relief.

Thank you so much... I never think what I go trough is a big deal, so really, thank you

 

[hellispink]

I wish I was normal. My sick brain full of bdp has destroyed every inch of me. I am poison and I have lived a horrendous and undignified existence. All I am is just destruction so, ending it for me would be the gift to myself.

 

[iforgotmyacc]

Oh my gosh I was not expecting this. I'm so happy that you've met him. Believe him please, they do like you, for real <3 Just be with them, don't question it. Like really, just don't. They're there and with you. It's all that matters. And yeah lmao nembutal is a painnnnnn, why is it so hard to get...
I'm honestly waiting for the right time for me, for when I'll be able to have a breakdown and not get up for days. Because if they dump me it's going to be bad. I've never been more busy, it's so painful actually. Like shit, why now... I want to get this over with.
Does he now you're suicidal? And yeah I think of it in a similar way, they'll just be the final trigger if they do dump me. It will give me the final push. At least SN is fully legal and awfully cheap here.
Thank you so much for responding <3 I'm really sorry for you too, I hope it ends well because it's the best thing. Hugs to you too

Thank you so much... I never think what I go trough is a big deal, so really, thank you

It's so difficult to not question it. But I will for sure try.

I am also waiting for the right time. I think he knows, and he tries to help because he's been through the same, but I don't think he realizes how accute it is and that (if I had N) I would be dead real soon.

I really hope your situation ends well too ❤

 

[glistetningtears]

It's so difficult to not question it. But I will for sure try.

I am also waiting for the right time. I think he knows, and he tries to help because he's been through the same, but I don't think he realizes how accute it is and that (if I had N) I would be dead real soon.

I really hope your situation ends well too ❤

Hey, I'm not sure if you're around anymore, I hope you are <3
It all went well, they knew from the beginning and they did not dump me.
They really gave me back hope and made me feel safe and today is the day I was supposed to die.
And I'm not going to. I'm deleting everything tied to it so I can't go back. I'll remove this account too.
I really do hope it went well for you <3
I wish you all the best!

 

[makethepainstop]

For some of us it seems that every bad thing that can happen does happen! Damn it!
Much love and hard loving hugs to you.

 

[iforgotmyacc]

Hey, I'm not sure if you're around anymore, I hope you are <3
It all went well, they knew from the beginning and they did not dump me.
They really gave me back hope and made me feel safe and today is the day I was supposed to die.
And I'm not going to. I'm deleting everything tied to it so I can't go back. I'll remove this account too.
I really do hope it went well for you <3
I wish you all the best!

Oh wow.

My face lit up when I saw your message. I am genuinenly so happy to hear that!

For real, that is such a win.

You deserve this happiness. I am glad they were so understanding of your situation. I hope you can go on and build a happy life together. ❤

For me it didnt go as planned but that is okay I am slowly getting over it.

Dude, thanks so much for checking back in.

I wanted to check in with you a while back but I let my anxiety get the better of me, so I am so glad that you did!

Good luck to you and I hope you won't have to come back here ever again.

I wish you the best in life sweetheart.

Byebye ❤