Venting I just want to start over

[Flawnyx]

I never imagined myself being on a website, telling the things I'm about to tell you all. Ever since I was young, I was like a ray of sunlight. I was happy with what I had. I was smart. I was energetic. I had talents and achievements I was proud of. I used to be the captain of my football team and would get great marks in my exams But after the coronavirus lockdown, my whole world turned upside down. I just sat every day playing video games and the result was me becoming short, ugly, and obese. And to the point that I even started forgetting things and becoming the black lamb of my family. I'm sure not a lot of users in this website are from a country like India, where I am from. And from the past year, I've been feeling very lonely and suicidal. I'm in my 11th grade right now and since 9th grade, I couldn't speak to others. I was very awkward and this resulted in me being distant from everybody else, including my parents. And now, even in a room full of people, I don't think my parents would ever choose me. And I'm pretty sure they'll choose my brother. I haven't been speaking to my dad for the past month. My mom sees me with hurtful eyes. Even though she smiles at me, I can tell that it is a hint of disappointment. I never had a real relationship with my brother. And right now, there is nobody in this world for me to live for. In a country like mine, nobody really sells drugs like sodium nitrite. And buying firearms is almost next to impossible unless you're a person of great importance. I just wish there was a way to restart my life and do things the right way. I'm afraid of stepping out of my room these days. Being afraid that people will judge me for who I am. No, I'm sure they already judge me. I am the example of a boy who has no friends, no love, no family at this point. My grades are also becoming low. And to the point that my parents are telling me, if I don't get this much percentage by the next exam, they'll abandon me. I just want to restart my life. And I would greatly appreciate it if anybody would give me a way out, which is extremely fast and extremely painless. I already attempted twice but failed via suffocation through a plastic bag. My first attempt lasted for a minute while the second lasted for a minute and a half. And I just couldn't. My second attempt was the most disappointing one. I could feel myself becoming unconscious but the scissors next to my hand, I just instinctively took it and just ripped the cover. I just want something like a drug, like an over-the-counter medicine or like a drug that will take my life fast. And I even thought of hanging but there is no obstacle that would bear my weight or strong enough. And I don't even want to jump off any building because I'm scared of walking out. So if any one has any way of helping me exit my life, I would greatly appreciate it.

 

[SoulWantsHome]

My grades are also becoming low. And to the point that my parents are telling me, if I don't get this much percentage by the next exam, they'll abandon me.

I'm sorry that you're going through this...

And your parents clearly don't understand that they should love their children unconditionally (and especially regarding such superficial things as grades in school). To abandon their children, or even just threaten to abandon their children, if their children don't achieve certain grades in school; is simply bad parenting - as it makes their children incorrectly associate their achievements in school, as well as their achievements in life in general, with their value/worth in life.

And unfortunately, this type of bad parenting is quite common in poor countries - as people there tend to be overly focused on their children's achievements, which often cause them to forget/ignore how to best treat their children.

(Obviously, you're no longer a child - but you will always be a child/an offspring of your parents. So, it's in that sense of the word that I mean it, in terms of your case.)



As for an extremely quick and extremely painless suicide-method, nitrogen-hypoxia (replacing the air you breath, with pure nitrogen-gas; and thereby depriving your brain of oxygen, without feeling like you're choking) would be the best method for that. But the equipment for it, can be a bit expensive.