I just want to kill myself this afternoon, this evening or tomorrow morning. This time, my anxiety is unbearable, i regret one decision i made so much

[hoberyn]

I just want to kill myself this afternoon, this evening or tomorrow morning. This time, my anxiety is unbearable, i regret one decision i made so much and even tho i tried to change it i could not because of my anxiety. Now whatever i don't see a future for myself and the idea of killing myself is the only one bringing me relief, i hope i can do it, because i've been too weak for it before, i was too scared, maybe i still am, but i just want this pain to end, it's been years and now months of a never-ending chaos, i didn't get one second of peace in months, i've cut out from anyone and now i hate my life. I need it to be done, i'll just go back to my apartment where i'll be alone and hopefully end it all. My anxiety has been a nightmare for years and now nothing is helping. It's just better for me to end it as there is no hope. I know it's easy to say there is always hope, but i'm exhausted of waiting, for years i've been waiting, now it has just gotten worse and wether it gets better instantly or i just don't wan't to try anymore. Even sometimes my brain sends me few minutes of peace just for me to feel worse afterwards because this feeling is just fake and never last. never. And even if they do it's just me fantasizing about a life i lost and will never be able to get back because it's gone. That said, the idea of ending it all if just peaceful, at least i know an end to all of this and i'll stop torturing myself. I hope i can go through it tonight, but i know i've never been able to go through it before for some reasons it's just my anxiety holding me back again, just this fear of everything and even just going through what i want to do. Maybe i'll write a letter to my parents or family, but even that i just feel so disconnected from them and they make me worse. I've cut out from my friends anyway for months. Even here, i don't know why i'm writing, because it's a relief knowing maybe i'm heard as i'm feeling totally trapped in my life. Whatever, maybe some stupid hope i've had for years and that is never ever helping. I'm just surviving, for years, and now i'm over it. Life is not supposed to be that hard, it's not supposed to be painful, however what is the point. I just hope i stay in that state of denial so i can go through it without any more pain or anguish.

I hope you, behind that screen can find peace somehow. I hope you can in you life just feel calm and feeling like you belong where you are, because i've lost that, and i can't get it back, and it hurts. I hope you are okay.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I hope you, behind that screen can find peace somehow. I hope you can in you life just feel calm and feeling like you belong where you are, because i've lost that, and i can't get it back, and it hurts. I hope you are okay.

Thank you. I hope the same for you... that you CAN get it back after all and find that you are okay.

[Yes, I did hear you. It sounds like it really does suck, and I'm sorry that all this is happening. I feel trapped, too.]

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. Please know that your suffering does not go unnoticed and that it matters. Fuck this cruel reality for making you feel your life is not worth living.

That said, the idea of ending it all if just peaceful, at least i know an end to all of this and i'll stop torturing myself. I hope i can go through it tonight, but i know i've never been able to go through it before for some reasons it's just my anxiety holding me back again, just this fear of everything and even just going through what i want to do.

I've never related to anything more – especially when you mentioned being 'too weak' in the past. I am so sorry that you feel stuck living, too. I hope that both of us find the strength to do whatever we deem necessary, when the time is right.

I wish that I could say something smart and illuminating. But fuck, I've got nothing. I am so sorry though

 

[hoberyn]

Thank you, i believe the idea of ending the pain more than the will to end my life is true. That said there's a point the pain is too hard and i don't have the capacity to handle it without the idea of ending unfortunately. I've just moved city and uni and i regret my whole life all the time, and i can't get it back. It's just i was feeling horrible last year but i had some glimpse of relief even at uni or whatever. Now i just hate everything and i don't see my life getting any better, so it's just exhausting to wait.

 

[Girl-shaped Wound]

Is there no chance of your life getting better if you move back?
The first months after changing your environment are almost always hellish, even if you are not a vulnerable person (unless you are moving to your dream place or somewhere you have friends).
I do not intend to dismiss your extremely valid feelings, especially since I get being tired and done with everything... I want to understand you better.
Anyway one way or another, I hope that you will no longer suffer

 

[hoberyn]

I mean i've moved last year already and it was hard but not that much. Now i regret a lot moving and my anxiety is just crazy on that, it's just i'm sick not being there anymore. I couldve gone back few weeks ago but now i believe it's too late, anyway my anxiety is so high i couldnt do any steps to go back there. I'm so fucked up by anxiety and it's so bad.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so trapped and alone. I expect a lot of us can relate to that.

I feel like hope is tied up with a belief that things very well could turn out OK. Trouble is- I suspect many of us have encountered so much shit up till now, it's hard to picture the future bring any different. Not without a tremendous amount of effort anyway and I think most of us are exhausted and just want out of the fight.

I wish I knew what to say to help. All I can say is you're not alone in feeling the way you do. I hope you and everyone else here can find the peace they deserve- in whatever form that comes.

 

[hoberyn]

I feel like hope is tied up with a belief that things very well could turn out OK. Trouble is- I suspect many of us have encountered so much shit up till now, it's hard to picture the future bring any different. Not without a tremendous amount of effort anyway and I think most of us are exhausted and just want out of the fight.

This is so true, like it's exactly what it is. And society makes it impossible anyway to put efforts because everything is so difficult

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped in an existence that is just constant suffering. It's understandable wanting to escape from it all and finally be at peace. Existing can certainly be very painful. I wish you freedom.