networkAutomata
run away, to the sun, to the comfort
- Nov 10, 2025
- 5
I'm a very lucky person to have a partner and we see each other every weekend now and we're sexually active but I feel like I'm just letting him down every time we fuck lately due to my depression/anhedonia getting bad. I want to genuinely enjoy this activity again but I feel so weak and have such low energy and drive to do anything. I feel horrible since I'm supposed to be "at my prime" and I can't show up in the high energy way that I used to so I can make him feel good and for myself to enjoy it too. I just want to get better and for things to go back to how they were. I also have OCD ruminations about being a sexual predator or rapist every time I'm not seeking reassurance through constantly asking if it's still ok and asking after the fact if it was ok. I have to fight myself to not send messages apologizing for sex acts that happened days ago (although if it was assault, what good would that do?). He always tells me when he wants me to stop something and I always oblige but I still worry that I'm committing assault. I feel like I still struggle to comprehend that someone likes me enough in that way and it makes me think that he's tricking himself into being with me, that being with me is self harm. I don't want to hurt him. My worst fear is hurting him deeply without knowing.
