I just want to die

[Biggie]

Another severe depressive and suicidal tide as come around again, as they do, like clockwork.

I just want to disappear and be free of the pain of living. It really is all too much. I've dealt with depression and suicidal ideology for the past 10 years at least - I'm 22 now and I can't go on like this for the rest of my life, there is no cure for me.

I'm so sorry to everyone on the forum for the pain they endure and the feeling of absolute desperation for peace. It is truly evil.

Luckily for them, people in my life around me can't relate to this struggle of just wanting life to end - they don't get it. The public healthcare system in my country is awful for mental health conditions too. This is why I'm thankful for this forum, it's like a safety blanket for me.

I envy the people that go through life unscathed, unbothered and not enduring endless battles within their own mind.

I've been thinking about methods a lot lately, but the thought of failure looms on my mind. I wish it were easy.

Please feel free to share whatever is on your mind in the comments, this is a safe space.

Peace,
Biggie

 

[ghost_]

im sorry you feel this way. I only wish peace on to you. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon.
Sending virtual hugs your way

 

[Biggie]

im sorry you feel this way. I only wish peace on to you. I genuinely hope you start to feel better soon.
Sending virtual hugs your way

Thank you for the message Ghost, welcome to the forum but with that I'm sorry that your suffering has brought you here too.

How are you doing?

 

[ghost_]

you're welcome :) im doing okay today. I am working on getting better but also I do have a plan so idk which will come first lol. I resonated a lot with what you said about the episodes being like tides. and I understand about the fear of failure in an attempt. Thats one of the big main reasons I haven't tried anything yet. But yeah :) I do hope you feel better I wish I could help everyone on this site

 

[Zzzzz]

About 10+years suicidal also and suffering. No desire to live. May we all find peace.

 

[Biggie]

you're welcome :) im doing okay today. I am working on getting better but also I do have a plan so idk which will come first lol. I resonated a lot with what you said about the episodes being like tides. and I understand about the fear of failure in an attempt. Thats one of the big main reasons I haven't tried anything yet. But yeah :) I do hope you feel better I wish I could help everyone on this site

I'm glad you're doing okay and have some ideas on how you can get better.

I feel like for most of us, even when we're at our 'happiest', the suicidal thoughts will always stick with us throughout life, so how you're feeling about the plan is understandable my friend.

About 10+years suicidal also and suffering. No desire to live. May we all find peace.

I'm sorry for your suffering Z, thank you for sharing. I pray we find peace too, one way or another.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I'm to the point now where I think the living are suffering more. I mean even the healthy happy people. It's like I know the best deal and they don't, but even I'm too stupid to take it apparently.

People can really like and want more of this? Life? I don't get it. My life is awful, but most other people's are even worse. Yet they don't fantasize about laying in a casket.

I just want out, but I still just haven't had that impulse yet to get it done. It takes the impulse. It was trying hard to develop as I drove across a bridge yesterday, but still didn't happen.

 

[deleted]

This is my favorite Big song, I have heard from some members of this forum that it is possible to live with depression as long as you have good psychiatric care, but my country's system is totally fucked up, I feel at a dead end. Living this way is a curse

 

[Biggie]

I'm to the point now where I think the living are suffering more. I mean even the healthy happy people. It's like I know the best deal and they don't, but even I'm too stupid to take it apparently.

People can really like and want more of this? Life? I don't get it. My life is awful, but most other people's are even worse. Yet they don't fantasize about laying in a casket.

I just want out, but I still just haven't had that impulse yet to get it done. It takes the impulse. It was trying hard to develop as I drove across a bridge yesterday, but still didn't happen.

I know how you feel George. Don't get me wrong, in life I feel like I've had a privileged upbringing with a roof over my head, food and water, and opportunities, yet these thoughts in my head will not subdue.

I think the attitude towards mental health illnesses and suicide from the general population of the world is cruel, uncompassionate, and judgemental. If society didn't have this stigma against it, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to CTB.

 

[BabyFears]

I envy them too, knowing that they don't have to struggle with themselves like we do is so unfair. Not like that I wish that to anyone but I think they're so lucky. I'm always fighting, always struggling, the only time I don't is when I can finally sleep. And I'm scared of myself cause I know I could kill myself, cause I know I want it. I think if you've never experienced suicidal thoughts then you can't understand the pain it is to live. I just envy them so much

 

[Biggie]

This is my favorite Big song, I have heard from some members of this forum that it is possible to live with depression as long as you have good psychiatric care, but my country's system is totally fucked up, I feel at a dead end. Living this way is a curse

It is mine too Morte and inspired this Biggie account.

Theres something odd about that - I've always thought of depression as a state where you don't want to live despite any of the help or opportunity out there, it clouds that view and numbs the feelings. Maybe that's just me and probably the fact that the help often feels disingenuous and ineffective.

It is a curse and I'm sorry for your pain.

I envy them too, knowing that they don't have to struggle with themselves like we do is so unfair. Not like that I wish that to anyone but I think they're so lucky. I'm always fighting, always struggling, the only time I don't is when I can finally sleep. And I'm scared of myself cause I know I could kill myself, cause I know I want it. I think if you've never experienced suicidal thoughts then you can't understand the pain it is to live. I just envy them so much

Very well said. As you say, trying to open up to somebody that has never felt this way is incredibly hard because they can't relate and will get concerned, panic, and maybe raise the alarm because they believe suicide is bad (because they've never felt the desperation and this pain).

I envy them too, I just want that PEACE and my way of wanting to achieve that to be respected and easy

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand. Being alive is horrible. In my case I want nothing to do with life and nothing would ever make me want to live. For me the problem is life itself and the only way to end the suffering is to die. I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[GreenTree]

You sound a lovely person Biggie. Life is so cruel. Majority of people here seam lovely. This world is fucking cruel.

 

[Biggie]

You sound a lovely person Biggie. Life is so cruel. Majority of people here seam lovely. This world is fucking cruel.

Thank you friend - that's what breaks my heart, most people on here seem so lovely, yet go through so much suffering to the point that they don't want to live anymore.

 

[ClownMe]

I also wish I was dead, life has no meaning and is nothing but pain.