Venting I just want someone to fucking care

[Noct]

Note/Warning: this is just a pure rant from straight out of my head I did not try and structure this or make it coherent. I wrote this sleep deprived at 2AM.


Like I get it really, I'm useless and worthless and only good for what I can give or do for others and even then I fuck up so often and so badly itd be better if I had never existed in the first place but…

Childishly, I still just want someone to care. I know I mask/cover up my feelings and whatnot, but I tend to let some of those walls down around my 'close' friend or two, and let them down even more around my boyfriend. But nope. Unless I panicked or sobbed on the ground or maybe if I did something equally as obvious and dramatic, they can't tell a wink. (Not that I've proved that. I cried for an hour straight in a room of 8 'friends' and I don't think one person even ever looked at me). They see all my scars and eye bags and think 'this is a perfectly functioning human being who totally has the capacity to help everyone else out with their mental health because he is totally sound enough of mind and not at all mentally unwell at the moment. Not. At. All!'

None of them see a thing. If I tried to be more obvious then it'd all be fake/insincere anyways because I'd be manipulating them. If I say anything outright they either wouldnt care, it's be n
Just as fake & also insincere because they'd have to say something out of obligation. That or I'd be an attention seeker just trying to get pity. Pity that would be short and temporary and would not feel like enough and subsequently make everything worse.or make me do it again for more attention that would never satisfy me and turn me into more of a horrible person.

I'm some ways I feel like shouldn't have to even say anything outright. Which is an egotistical and terrible thing to say. Not everyhting is about me and it shouldn't be. I don't deserve the attention or care but it's hard when Everyone else gives people support at the drop of a hat for the smallest of signs. Im surrounded by 'friends' (they don't actually really know me or talk to me) who will all check in on one of my 'friends' who's known to not doing well despite the fact that she's always acting fine every day. She has probably at least 5 people who try and make sure she eats at least a little something every day (including me because she worries the shit out of me). But me? No no no, even my boyfriend doesn't even notice that I never eat something despite sitting next to him. Although it's true that I do exceptionally well for someone who at that point in the day has only had 10 calories from an energy drink.

No-one questioned when I was gone for hours to go cry in the bathroom and cry during our study group. No one questioned my splotch burn on my hip or my horrible cover up kid (who the fuck gets burned from a stove on their hip? I'm tall but not quite that tall. Maybe an inch or two short? But even if the metal on the dorm gas stove guards did burn me it definitely would not look like a big second degree paint splotch.)

None of my trans friends considered how much it was agony to have to purposefully get my name changed back to my deadname in our school system. Or that I had to deadname myself and ask for the WRONG gender marker just for some shitty legal document bs. They know the pain of have to say any of it out loud much less ASK for it as if I'm the one denying my own identity and existence. Yet I got utter silence and dismissal. Gods I feel so fucking alone. I don't think any one of them care to see or notice me at all. They do for eachother and yet I guess I always don't quite make the cut of deserving even a scrap of any of their love or attention or anything really.

That's without touching any of my very suicidal tendencies that go untouched and unnoticed.

But anyways even saying any of this is so self centered I know. I want and expect things so unfairly when I'm the fucking core problem. I don't want to make my problems anyone else's problems so at the same time I don't want anyone to know still. It's all such a terrible contradiction that sucks and I loose either way.

Plus, I don't know if I'll ever be able to change things. No matter how hard I try to be helpful and do good or be useful or be anyone but myself or be funny or be nice or be cool or anything I'm never good enough for anyone to care. I'm just there as a support pillar (that's crumbling) or an unwanted discarded item thrown in the corner to pretend it doesn't exist until it's useful again and then promptly thrown away into the back of a dark unused drawer. Or maybe it's because I'm disgusting and overbearing and too loud and obnoxious and a trans guy who clearly doesn't pass and just intrudes on everyone's lives? god there's too many reasons i could point to as probably cause. Or that are likely enough to be a probable cause. I just want people to spell it out for me and say it to my face so I can fucking fix myself. Or maybe just off myself now while it would only be a big benefit. Clearly as I'm on here that's the path I've been going down/have chosen.
If anyone ends up reading all of this I'm sorry and thanks(?) Idk why anyone would this is a brain rot of absolute bs but if you read it thanks for listening and sticking through till the end.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm sorry to see you going through this, I know from experience how horrible it is to feel so desperate for care and attention that you want to do something extreme, and then to simultaneously feel guilty for even having that thought in the first place because it's so manipulative.

The fact of the matter is that if that's what it would take for someone to notice you, that person is just never going to be able to meet your needs. You can either accept that fact and lower your expectations accordingly, or find someone who can meet those needs. The needs themselves are not the problem, nor are you the problem for having them.

 

[lawlietsph]

I am so so so incredibly sorry. I know exactly how you feel, in fact this is the reason why I clicked on this thread - because I am in the same state of mind.
Do you ever feel like you just crave love to the point where it physically hurts? Because I do.
I don't understand why am I so unlovable.

All I do is care and love and being there for others, but they are so fine with my absence, it's actually really hard for me to understand.
It seems like other people don't crave deep, meaningful relationships. They are fine with the fake talk, and when you say something that's slightly "negative", they become distant and like "Why are you talking about yourself like that?"
It's horrible.
Same as you, I know life doesn't evolve around me, but this is the exact problem. Why am I not a part of somebody's world? Why am I never ever important?

I speak to a guy right now, he used me and when I became invested as hell, he said let's just stay friends. He broke my heart into a million pieces. He doesn't want me, yet he doesn't let me go either. He is the same. Doesn't give a fuck when I'm at my lowest. I try to talk to him about suicide, just in general, but no... "You are worthy of life, you are beautiful' etc etc..."
Then he stops talking to me for weeks.
All of this is so fake.
I don't understand why others don't want meaningful relationships and know each other to the core.
Am I a disgrace for wanting a special bond with somebody? Am I so wrong for wanting someone to fucking care?

 

[Noct]

The needs themselves are not the problem, nor are you the problem for having them.

I guess that's true, it just sure doesn't feel that way when I feel like I'm the only one who is so disgustingly desperate? I certainly seem like the only person many days that somehow 'needs' so much attention so to say anything would be so obviously attention seeking behavior.

But I do get that that notion is objectively not true, just hard to believe sometimes.

I wish I could just make peace with my coming death and have that full the void of loneliness but that's not working :/

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I guess that's true, it just sure doesn't feel that way when I feel like I'm the only one who is so disgustingly desperate? I certainly seem like the only person many days that somehow 'needs' so much attention so to say anything would be so obviously attention seeking behavior.

But I do get that that notion is objectively not true, just hard to believe sometimes.

I wish I could just make peace with my coming death and have that full the void of loneliness but that's not working :/

I get it; my desperation to be loved, to be someone's priority, their ride or die, has often resulted in a feeling of such patheticness that it makes me want to rip my skin off. It certainly doesn't help when everyone you've wanted that kind of love from seems so far above it, seems to not need it. In reality I think the only difference between us and them is that we haven't yet learned how to suppress these feelings, whereas they have.

 

[Unspoken7612]

Remember, we cannot read minds. You do not know what others really think about you, and it seems unlikely they dislike you as strongly as you dislike yourself, and they probably do care about you. Equally, they cannot know you are struggling unless you tell them and ask for help. If you want people to check in with you more, just ask - they sound like they'd be happy to do so!