wanttogetonthebus
chronically unlucky
- Nov 27, 2021
- 405
Went out with my mom and while we were driving home I told her that I've always loved her despite everything we've gone through and all past and current criticisms or problems that I hold. She had tears in her eyes. I know she'll feel guilty if I CTB, so I want her to hold onto this memory to remember that even if she wasn't or couldn't save me, that I still loved her so that there is no doubt in her mind about the way that I feel. To know that I didn't leave the world blaming everything on her. I want her to hopefully realize that it was the weight of the world that I had to bear that was simply too much for me to carry. There were certainly things that she could have done better or more things she could have done for me throughout the course of my life, but that doesn't make the fact that I couldn't bear up my own weight in spite of life's adversities her fault. It was too much for even my share of work and I think the majority of that responsibility lies with me. We're not all cut out to be fighters and I can only give and fight so much before I'm all worn out. I can take quite a beating as I've proven time and time again, but there's a limit and I'm finally hitting the point where I simply can't take whatever life throws at me anymore. I have my limits before I'm pushed over the edge and it's too much and I don't desire to keep going with it anymore. Whether or not she forgives me after I CTB is a different story and is not up to me but the only thing that I could possibly hope for is that she could grieve if she needs to, heal and move on, and go on to continue to lead a happy and healthy life ideally free of regrets and with the bonus addition of not having to worry about or do anything for me anymore.
I wish you the same too!
