Story I just played (modified) Russian roulette.

[FohPah]

I have a 6-chamber revolver that I bought a long time ago just so that I'd have a reliable option if times got too hard.

For a while, I've wanted to play Russian roulette. But a 1/6 chance of death felt like too much. So I devised a different version where I randomly select a round from 1 real and 6 fake rounds and then I play Russian roulette without knowing which round is in the gun.

With this setup, the chance of death is 1 in 42: 1/7 × 1/6 (1 live round out of 7 rounds times 1 loaded chamber out of 6 chambers).

I loaded the gun, spun the cylinder, and pulled the trigger. Turns out I had randomly chosen a fake round (which I didn't know when pulling the trigger).

Right now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel about it. Mainly, I did it to learn about myself. I want to know: am I *seriously* suicidal? Can I really do it? Or is it empty talk?

In the minutes that followed, I felt a nice adrenaline rush. I'd been needing a good thrill. But looking back, it feels like I wasn't really in danger. I keep having thoughts like "that's nothing; everyone does dangerous dumb shit" or "I somehow noticed it was a fake round (despite everything I did to prevent myself from knowing)" or "I only took a 1/42 chance of death because I thought it was low enough to not *really* be a risk."

On the other hand, I did break some of my own rules. With risky behavior in general and guns in particular, I'm usually very careful. In my adventure sports, I'm obsessed with safety and risk mitigation, and I'd consider a 1/42 chance of death unacceptably high. And with guns, I was trained in gun safety and I'm borderline paranoid in how I handle guns. So what does it say about me that I was willing to break my usual rules?

Honestly, I don't know. I feel like the same person I was before. I'm neither relieved nor disappointed that I survived.

Maybe I'll know how I feel after reflecting on it more.

I'm a little tempted to do it again with 6 rounds instead of 7, for a 1/36 chance of death next time.

 

[StateOfMind]

Interesting experiment.
Not sure how to feel about the "playing with life and death" aspect of it.

 

[Worndown]

A lower risk of death is how you get past you SI. If serious, keep playing. If it was a one time thrill, put it away.

 

[FohPah]

A lower risk of death is how you get past you SI. If serious, keep playing. If it was a one time thrill, put it away.

Yes! Overcoming SI is actually a major goal of this exercise. If I die, then great, problem solved. If I live, then great, I know exactly what I'm living for, instead of just living because I *can't* take the big leap.

 

[ReadyForIt]

I don't understand what you mean by "fake" rounds. Are you talking about blanks? Cause those both look distinctly different than real rounds (since there's no bullet tip visible) and can still be lethal if you fire them with the gun to your head (due to the gasses that are expelled when firing). Do you mind explaining this?

 

[FohPah]

I don't understand what you mean by "fake" rounds. Are you talking about blanks? Cause those both look distinctly different than real rounds (since there's no bullet tip visible) and can still be lethal if you fire them with the gun to your head (due to the gasses that are expelled when firing). Do you mind explaining this?

Snap caps. Toy cartridges with rubber fake primers and the same weight and dimensions as real .357 mag cartridges.

I took several measures (like closing my eyes) to make sure I couldn't distinguish between a live round and a snap cap.

 

[Worndown]

357...damn! Hold it tight in case you win the game.

 

[FohPah]

Just played the version with the 1/36 chance of death. In the two games combined, my chance of death was a little over 1/20. By far the most dangerous thing I've ever done.

It feels a lot more real now. Like "dude, get help" real. I'm imagining my head being ripped to shreds by a hollow-point in slow motion. I even feel a little burning and pressure on one side of my head just thinking about it. I'm relieved it didn't happen. A lot more relieved than I thought I'd feel.

There are two ways to think about this; they are competing in my mind.

The louder thought is that what I did was not cool, at all. I risked causing untold grief to the people who love me, all just to prove a point to myself? Is that what they're worth to me? How will I face them?

The quieter thought is that I feel empowered. I've hated myself for a long time because I've viewed myself as a coward. So this is an exciting new side of myself. Not because I recklessly endangered myself, but because I set my mind on something and I didn't let the risk of death scare me away.

 

[FohPah]

From the Suicide Wiki, a way to defeat survival instinct during hanging is to act as if you're "just practicing"—going further and further each time. Are you sure you're not just subconsciously rehearsing CTB with a revolver?

On a side note, I'm envious of you. I bet that's a beautiful revolver. I still have two years to go until I can purchase a firearm in my state.

I've also rehearsed hanging just like that, actually. I rehearsed hanging and played Russian roulette both as practice for going through the motions, and also to see what it would feel like. With rehearsing hanging, even when I got lightheaded, it never completely felt like I was surrendering to death, because I was always in control. With the revolver, it did feel like complete surrender.

 

[FohPah]

I think I'm addicted to the thrill now. I keep imagining doing it again but with a 1/18 chance of death.

And I'm thinking about how to channel that energy into other things I know I need to do but fear has been holding me back. There are some toxic relationships I haven't broken off for fear of loneliness, some ways I've been living inauthentically for fear of disapproval, some people I haven't reached out to for fear of rejection, and some endeavors I haven't attempted for fear of failure. Fear has so much control over me.

 

[Computer Blue]

Without condoning what you did:
1. I have to give you big props for your solution to lowering the risk!
2. Can't believe you did it once ... not to mention twice!

Those events had to make a big change in you. Anything else to report on that front?

 

[FohPah]

Just played the 1/18 version. Goddamn, the thrill is unreal. But surprisingly, 1/36 was more thrilling than 1/18. Maybe it's just less thrilling when it's less novel. Or maybe because I was a little more stoned for 1/18 than 1/36. I think weed absolutely lowered my SI. For 1/18, I didn't even think twice about pulling the trigger. Like it was automatic. I'm trying to remember if I was thinking anything at all. What about death? Was I really accepting death, or was I only focusing on the high odds of living? I think I remember a glimpse of accepting death.

So really the only difference in how I felt was that I didn't hesitate with 1/18. At this point, I don't think going further can teach me more about myself or even provide more thrill than what I've already seen. I can't believe how calm and grounded I feel right now.

And yet, I'm already tempted to try 1/12...

Without condoning what you did:
1. I have to give you big props for your solution to lowering the risk!
2. Can't believe you did it once ... not to mention twice!

Those events had to make a big change in you. Anything else to report on that front?

I've been having a bunch of epiphanies today. I can more clearly see what's causing some of my worst insecurities, and I have a new, different way to think about myself and others. The challenge is actually training myself to think more positively automatically.

It really is easier said than done. Earlier, I had an opportunity to end a toxic relationship with someone in my life. But I chickened out because I was scared of losing this person. But I am a lot more willing to talk about how I'm suffering in the relationship (though I admit most of the toxicity is my fault). I struggled with that because I was afraid to rock the boat. So I'm at least giving hints that I won't stand for the toxicity much longer.
I'm such an empty person.

 

[FohPah]

Just played the 1/12 version.

To emphasize, I put myself in a situation where I had a 1/12 chance of death. Willingly. With no extrinsic reward. So far, between the four times I've "played", my cumulative chance of death has been 18.1%. Which is actually higher than the chance of death from "real" Russian roulette (1/6 = 16.7%).

It's incredible. I was stone sober. I was gearing up for an uncomfortable conversation with someone. This person is toxic to me and I'm toxic to this person. I wanted to calm my nerves before the conversation. Usually, I'd use alcohol to calm my nerves. But I remembered how serene and centered I had felt after playing 1/18. Like nothing in this world could even touch me. So I figured playing 1/12 could kill two birds with one stone. First, get me closer to death. Second, calm my nerves before an uncomfortable situation.

So I did it. And wow. Stone sober, I set up the "game" and pulled the trigger with even less hesitation than when I was stoned and playing 1/18. I felt almost no adrenaline rush at all. Like the chance of death was completely meaningless.

And then I looked at my gun. Holy FUCK. The round in the cylinder was a LIVE ROUND. It was ONE chamber away from being fired. Meaning if I pulled the trigger once more, it would have fired.

Now, part of me is thinking: did I actually play "real" Russian roulette? Because the "real" version is where you put one live round in the cylinder and then spin it and then fire the gun. And I did, in fact, put one live round in the cylinder and then spin it and then fire the gun. I just didn't know at the time that it was a live round. I only knew there was a 50% chance that it was live.

Interesting philosophical question. God, I'm such an empty person. I just put myself through that ordeal, and my mind doesn't automatically go toward "I'm so thankful that I'm alive because it means I get to keep seeing this person and that person in my life." No. My mind automatically goes toward "Are you really playing Russian roulette if you don't know you're playing it? Do I really have that bragging right?" Meaning my greatest "accomplishment" in life at this point is the fact that I recklessly endangered my life for no real reward. I'm becoming defined as a person by my willingness to do dumb dangerous shit.

And everything feels so empty now. Like, I'm exactly the same person that I was before I started playing the "game". After initially playing 1/42, I needed hours to calm down. I was afraid I'd have a heart attack. But now? Doesn't even feel like anything happened.

Anyway, still waiting for a phone call. I don't even care anymore. Just get it over with.

 

[Greenberg]

OMG, this is not a game my friend! If you continue to play this game, the true probability will approach 100%.

 

[Kattt]

Already stabbed a copper. Shouldn't be allowed a gun. Prison said I couldn't have pencils

 

[FohPah]

I got off the phone about 30 minutes ago and drank a few shots to wind down for the night. As the alcohol was kicking in, I started wondering how low my inhibition really is.

So I decided to set up a real game of Russian roulette. My plan was to put one live round in the cylinder, close my eyes, spin the cylinder, close it, cock the hammer, and put the gun to my head. When planning this, I fully thought I'd chicken out with the gun to my head.

Except I didn't. I literally had no hesitation. As soon as I had the gun to my head, I pulled the trigger. I opened my eyes. I was literally one chamber away from death.

So now I can officially say that I have knowingly played Russian roulette. With a real 1/6 chance of death.

Bringing my cumulative chance of death (over the five "games") up to 31.5%. That's almost 1/3.

I can't believe how fast this obsession has progressed. Just less than three days ago, I thought I would have a heart attack from the fear of a 1/42 chance of death. And now, I'm pulling the trigger on a 1/6 chance, without thinking twice, without so much as a flutter in my heart. All because I just had to prove to myself that I have it in me to play "real" Russian roulette.

Unreal. I'm having a hard time believing I did that. Actually, the hardest part isn't believing I did that. The hardest part is believing how incredibly easy it was to pull the trigger.

In other news, my appetite has been almost nonexistent in the last couple of days. Even after eating half as much food as I'd normally eat, I feel like I'm forcing it down my throat and I'm going to gag. But now? I feel like ordering a pizza!

UPDATE: I'm now eating some leftover food cold from my fridge. I don't think food has ever tasted this good in my life.

It's seriously impossible to overstate how much I'm enjoying food right now. Just a few hours ago, I ordered take-out. I was trying so hard to eat it, but it felt like I was just forcing it down my throat. So I ate as much as I could just to nourish myself, and I put the rest in the fridge. Well, I'm now eating those leftovers, straight from my fridge, and I'm tasting every single flavor in this thing. Flavors I didn't even know existed, because I had never paid attention to them.

Seriously. I just ate the last little bite: a bit of rice with some pickled ginger and soy sauce. Normally, I would have just thrown that away. But now? It's one of the most delicious things I've ever tasted. I'm literally laughing out loud about how unbelievably good it tastes. The starch of the rice, the salt of the soy sauce, the tanginess and crunch of the ginger... I taste all those attributes individually. I savored it for like half a minute before swallowing.

 

[ClairyFairy]

Stop playing this game man, seriously. You know you can do it just be happy with that. Take care. Once these obsessions start they're hard to get away from

 

[theguineapigking]

I got off the phone about 30 minutes ago and drank a few shots to wind down for the night. As the alcohol was kicking in, I started wondering how low my inhibition really is.

So I decided to set up a real game of Russian roulette. My plan was to put one live round in the cylinder, close my eyes, spin the cylinder, close it, cock the hammer, and put the gun to my head. When planning this, I fully thought I'd chicken out with the gun to my head.

Except I didn't. I literally had no hesitation. As soon as I had the gun to my head, I pulled the trigger. I opened my eyes. I was literally one chamber away from death.

So now I can officially say that I have knowingly played Russian roulette. With a real 1/6 chance of death.

Bringing my cumulative chance of death (over the five "games") up to 31.5%. That's almost 1/3.

I can't believe how fast this obsession has progressed. Just less than three days ago, I thought I would have a heart attack from the fear of a 1/42 chance of death. And now, I'm pulling the trigger on a 1/6 chance, without thinking twice, without so much as a flutter in my heart. All because I just had to prove to myself that I have it in me to play "real" Russian roulette.

Unreal. I'm having a hard time believing I did that. Actually, the hardest part isn't believing I did that. The hardest part is believing how incredibly easy it was to pull the trigger.

In other news, my appetite has been almost nonexistent in the last couple of days. Even after eating half as much food as I'd normally eat, I feel like I'm forcing it down my throat and I'm going to gag. But now? I feel like ordering a pizza!

UPDATE: I'm now eating some leftover food cold from my fridge. I don't think food has ever tasted this good in my life.

It's seriously impossible to overstate how much I'm enjoying food right now. Just a few hours ago, I ordered take-out. I was trying so hard to eat it, but it felt like I was just forcing it down my throat. So I ate as much as I could just to nourish myself, and I put the rest in the fridge. Well, I'm now eating those leftovers, straight from my fridge, and I'm tasting every single flavor in this thing. Flavors I didn't even know existed, because I had never paid attention to them.

Seriously. I just ate the last little bite: a bit of rice with some pickled ginger and soy sauce. Normally, I would have just thrown that away. But now? It's one of the most delicious things I've ever tasted. I'm literally laughing out loud about how unbelievably good it tastes. The starch of the rice, the salt of the soy sauce, the tanginess and crunch of the ginger... I taste all those attributes individually. I savored it for like half a minute before swallowing.

Please, please stop. Don't make it a 1/6th chance. I know that it's tempting, but please, just don't.

Yes, it's you're right to do this. But you seem so unsure as to whether you want to die. It seems like that "toxic person" is the main source of your suicidal tendencies(or "risk taking"). I HIGHLY suggest that you take a week off. Be sure that you want to do this whole thing, before you "play" true Russian roulette(I guess that you have already, but this time it would be intentionally 1/6th probability of dying).


If this toxic person is the primary reason that you are taking these big risks, please don't. They are NOT worth your death! Is there anyway that you can just cut contact with them? Take some time for yourself? Perhaps you could do some activities, like eat some more delicious food…and watch Netflix or South Park on Hulu).

Just please consider what I'm saying(yes, I keep saying please, because I really care and I hope that you consider what I'm saying!).

I wish you the best in the meantime.

 

[FohPah]

I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions and I'm a bit high, but I will say that for the first time in my life, I truly know what it means to be happy to be alive. I promise no more Russian roulette.

 

[Bedrock48]

I'm going through a whirlwind of emotions and I'm a bit high, but I will say that for the first time in my life, I truly know what it means to be happy to be alive. I promise no more Russian roulette.

That's amazing to hear. I hope you definitely steer clear from it and I hope that happiness continues because you deserve it. Take care man.

 

[FohPah]

Well, the feeling of ecstasy has worn off and it's back to life as usual. I still have all of my old problems. But now I see clearly that I caused most of these problems by being too nice and too unwilling to act boldly for fear of losing what little I had. Seriously, I was a fucking doormat. I still haven't done anything truly bold, although some people are already noticing a personality change. It will be easier for me to act boldly, because:

• Short of imprisonment or a disabling injury, nothing I do will ever be as catastrophically risky as what I've already done.
• I still have the option of suicide in case things get too hopeless, and now I know I can actually do it.
• I see myself as a completely different person than I was just last week. So it's like I'm the new guy who inherited this situation from the old guy, and he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. He was weirdly attached to some things that I can clearly identify as garbage. The garbage can be thrown out now.

I still keep thinking about Russian roulette. I've tried to relive the thrill by watching videos about it and by fantasizing about doing it again, but this time on camera, or with a 1/3 chance of death, or with some other new twist. But I promised myself I'd do one thing before doing anything suicidal again. Just a fun little outdoor thing that requires me to talk to a few people and do a little bit of planning.

My thoughts about life and death:

I'm still a nihilist; that hasn't changed one bit. I'm glad to be alive because I'm enjoying it at the moment. I'm going to die some day, but I'd rather not die just yet. I'm so curious and excited to see what I can do. But if I discovered I only had one day left to live, I'd feel relief, not grief.

Both life and death are good things, so I welcome whichever one comes, and I can't complain about either.

 

[Seiko]

I still have the option of suicide in case things get too hopeless, and now I know I can actually do it.

You're exactly where I want to be. Ironically, I'd live my life a lot happier if I possessed the effective "exit tool" that is a firearm (got to get through two more birthdays!). Cheers to you man; you've felt it, practiced it, and rehearsed it, and now you can go kick life's ass knowing you've satisfied your curiosity with this daredevil game.

Now, enjoy the finer things life has to offer. Be awesome and live the dream. By possessing that .357 beauty, you have turned life from an obligation to a choice.

 

[Snake of Eden]

What an interesting story

 

[Rayzieka]

Gee I feel like if I were to do the same- every time I pulled the trigger a part of me I didn't understand would finally make sense, instead of a part of me dying. If only I had a gun, maybe I'd finally see who I am.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

I've also rehearsed hanging just like that, actually. I rehearsed hanging and played Russian roulette both as practice for going through the motions, and also to see what it would feel like. With rehearsing hanging, even when I got lightheaded, it never completely felt like I was surrendering to death, because I was always in control. With the revolver, it did feel like complete surrender.

I've rehearsed also, even took a video. Almost got me once

 

[time4sleep]

I don't know what I'm most impressed by, your courage of your mathematic acumen!

Amazing posts, thank you.

 

[FohPah]

Russian roulette gave me an idea. That toxic relationship I mentioned? I'm terrified to end it. And I keep holding onto hope that it can get better. It has become my security blanket.

So I wrote a little program where you can write an email and click a button, and there's a random chance the email will get sent. I wrote a brief email explaining why I want to cut contact. If this email gets sent, we truly are done. I chose a 1 in 10 chance. I clicked the button three times. The email never got sent.

I guess that means I'm willing to say goodbye? Now I'm just trying to figure out how I feel. Maybe tomorrow I'll just say it face to face.

It's a bizarre world where I'm less scared to die than to say goodbye to someone.

 

[domedune]

This thread and your revelations were incredibly interesting. Not to mention I was on the edge of my seat the whole time (figuratively). I wish I could try this because it seems like a fun way to get over SI, but I don't do guns. I know the chance is almost non-existent if one knows what they're doing, but I don't want to get brain damage or blow my face off. Not a fun risk.

Your email roulette is also interesting, although I'd advise you just to send the email. But if you want to make it a game, you'll probably want to do it every day so it gets done eventually. Maybe you can make a thing out of it where before you send the email you do something you like or eat something you like so it's a whole event and you get more positive reinforcement from the process.

Wishing you luck!

 

[FohPah]

Can't believe it's been two weeks since I did this.

Since then, I've been unraveling and undoing the web of toxic thinking that had grown in my mind in the last few years. It's incredible. I'm suddenly open to so many good ideas I would have found ridiculous or even revolting. Here's what I think happened.

I'm a very prideful person. Bordering on narcissism. I hate being wrong. I've been stuck in an adolescent mindset long into adulthood because my pride wouldn't let me admit I was wrong about some major things. And with that adolescent mindset, the challenges and failures of adulthood didn't make me grow. They just pushed me deeper into some toxic and immature coping strategies.

When I "shot" myself in the head, I symbolically killed my ego. I was conceding. If I had been right about life, then my life would have been worth living, but it wasn't. So I was wrong. When you've been wrong about what matters most, there's nothing to fear from being wrong ever again. You win, Mom.

Without ego around to change the channel, it's been easier to focus on where I've been wrong. And without ego around to shout me down, it's easier for me to admit I was being ridiculous and I need to change. And I truly feel detached from my old self. Like that person died and, and that's not even a tragedy. It just is what it is, and so is my situation picking up the pieces.

Well, that's what I think this experiment did. Either that or all the weed. I don't think this would have happened sober.

Still a lot of work to do, of course. It's all been internal so far. Thinking is easier than doing. It's too easy to fall back into old behavior patterns just because they're comfortable.

I was just reading back through the thread and felt a gust of existential dread. Like I was reading some crazy internet stranger's ramblings, and I was trapped in his life.

 

[Computer Blue]

What an incredibly interesting thread. About a year and a half ago, I also experienced the death of my ego to some extent. My experience was very painful emotionally and appeared to be what is known as The Dark Night of The Soul. It was the worst depression I could ever imagine ... I literally felt as if God had turned his back on me ... and I didn't even really believe there was a God at the time. I was agnostic. That event brought me to this forum.
Two things about losing one's ego:
You have to be a little careful to prevent it from coming back in full force.
In my case, I eventually learned that what my ego was holding onto, wasn't really good for me.

Don't take the following as me being preachy as I am just finishing the story:

During the worst of it, out of pure desperation, I begged God for help at the suggestion of a friend. That night I experienced something that may or may not have been a coincidence, but i took it as a sign. I started doing a ton of internal work, continued to beg for help and I continued to experienced things that I can't explain. Though I continued to be somewhat skeptical, (I have always been overly skeptical) I finally decided to try to be a little more reasonable and use these things as a crutch for as long as I could sustain the "belief." Recently, I had an experience that finally convinced me at the age of 54 that God surely exists ... and I don't think God is defined by any religion.

My opinion was that if there really was no God or reason for this existence, then this horror show was an EPIC waste of time and effort. I was going to struggle through until my parents passed away, then give everything I have to charity and be done with this. I sort of believe that "somebody" up there realized I really was going to commit suicide if I didn't get something to hang onto. In my case, the keys were: I really wanted help; I was open to help; I was open to subtle signs. I have long been driven to do charity work, but I don't know if that played into this.