drowsyrambler
New Member
- Oct 20, 2023
- 2
the shitty thing about being mentally ill is that i know that i am loved. i know that my family loves me (to an extent, at least) and that my friends love and care about me and so does my partner. i know i am loved and cared for. yet i still feel so alone.
i can't help but think that i'm meant to CTB in the future. i can't see myself going any other way. i'm loved yet i know i'm not loved unconditionally. i still love certain family members who have caused me so much pain and trauma. but i know they don't love me as much as i do them. but i still want to see the good in them, anyways.
i am loved but i always feel so alone. love is not enough to fix this mess of a brain i have. love is not enough. the only reason i have to live right now are my nieces and nephews. they're not even teens. one of my nieces is 6 and is already showing major signs of anxiety and other mental illnesses. id rather suffer for a few more years than let her deal with her mental health issues AND a deceased loved one at such a young age. i can't let her end up like me if i can help it.
but what about when they're all older? i don't know if i'd really have a reason. it's my dream to be a parent but i can't see myself having one because i'm afraid they'll inherit or develop mental health issues as well. i don't know. this is more rambling than anything. just a lot of things i've been thinking about for a while.
when will things get better? i've been suicidal since i was 12. when will it get better? no matter how much i've improved things always go back to the way they were. i can't see myself as anything other than a depressed vessel. just getting through the days until i get the chance to go.
i can't help but think that i'm meant to CTB in the future. i can't see myself going any other way. i'm loved yet i know i'm not loved unconditionally. i still love certain family members who have caused me so much pain and trauma. but i know they don't love me as much as i do them. but i still want to see the good in them, anyways.
i am loved but i always feel so alone. love is not enough to fix this mess of a brain i have. love is not enough. the only reason i have to live right now are my nieces and nephews. they're not even teens. one of my nieces is 6 and is already showing major signs of anxiety and other mental illnesses. id rather suffer for a few more years than let her deal with her mental health issues AND a deceased loved one at such a young age. i can't let her end up like me if i can help it.
but what about when they're all older? i don't know if i'd really have a reason. it's my dream to be a parent but i can't see myself having one because i'm afraid they'll inherit or develop mental health issues as well. i don't know. this is more rambling than anything. just a lot of things i've been thinking about for a while.
when will things get better? i've been suicidal since i was 12. when will it get better? no matter how much i've improved things always go back to the way they were. i can't see myself as anything other than a depressed vessel. just getting through the days until i get the chance to go.
