I just need it to stop

[msesis]

I guess I posted some slightly unhinged posts on this forum the past couple of days. I'm sorry about that, and sorry for any misinformation I may have unintentionally spread while trying to discuss things. There was just so much pain and I was looking for a way to hurt myself because I mentally could not contain it. It's even more frustrating when it's impossible to find information online when the initial methods didn't work.

I was posting about wrist cutting and bloodletting, but those are just ways to cope with the pain while I'm still here. It turns out CTB is harder than I'd thought - as have probably a lot of others - and so while I wait to find a method that actually works for me, I have to cope with the pain somehow. A lot of people accuse of "attention seeking". By some miracle perhaps it would be nice to receive some help. But it's never guaranteed and sometimes the pain becomes too much. I'm sure many here are cognizant of the logic: pain from living > enjoyment from living, therefore CTB is a logical choice.

I think we don't need to shame people for not "being serious enough about suicide" when they look for self-harm advice, because they may be coping to get through the day-to-day, which is something I'm sure a lot of us can relate to. Thank you all for the good information about exsanguination and how it's very unlikely to work. I was aware of that, but was looking for good ways to do so anyways, just temporarily.

Either way, the pain is unbearable. Just, unbearable. There's only so much pain a human vessel can hold and I simply, more than anything, just want it to stop. It's been 6 years. I've given effort. Then effort. Then more. Until I don't see a reason to live anymore. AND. On top of that. The pain is excruciating. I have one desire and it is for it to stop.

I want to CTB. I don't care what people will think about it. I don't care that "maybe life could get better". I'm happy, proud, and confident of my choice and *I* understand why, even if the people in my life never will. It doesn't matter. Anything to make it stop. All of it. All of it. Don't tell me there could be other ways. I. Don't. Care. And who exactly would help me with the other ways? No one. In the end, my life, my responsibility, no one will help anything get better. And there is simply too much pain, my energy reserves are at -100000. I fought until I could no longer. Then I fought some more. Then I didn't want to anymore. But I did anyways, because that's the socially acceptable thing to do. I am tired. That... is the biggest understatement I've ever said. I feel like I've died already.

I'm sorry, I got a bit rant-y there at the end. Most of it is directed at the people in my life, not you guys. Either way, I want nothing more than for it all to stop. If someone would be kind enough to share a source with me, I would really appreciate that. Or if anyone wanted to chat more. I'm really ready, so ready to leave. But of course, like many, I'd like to go out in a dignified way. Looking for SN which I only discovered through this site. Thanks for that as well, because I would have gotten so frustrated and probably done something so much less ideal.

Thanks for reading - I really am ready to go. I just need to find a source, or I guess look for another method, but to be honest, SN sounds so good to me. CO would be hard to pull off in my situation and.. I'd like something a little more flexible. Anyway - I would greatly greatly appreciate any help.

 

[Cress]

Yeah unfortunately movies make C T B seem super easy Like we are made of paper. Humans are actually very tanky however and your body will fight tooth and nail to keep you alive. It's how all of our ancestors survived when environments were much more crueler. Simply spreading your ankle At the wrong time could mean you die of exposure. We had to be resilient And thus it's actually quite difficult to self delete As it seems like you've already found out.

I know your friends and family are accusing you of being dramatic like you said but they're really just being ignorant and have no idea what they're talking about. They have a false impression and false sense of security. I'm sorry that that's having a negative psychological effect on you. Ironically people don't realize that you're in danger until you're gone and then they sit there and wish that they could have said literally anything To stop you. Suicide is the number one positive death for For males under 35 and it's still not taken seriously.

A few months ago my younger cousin who I've known my whole life since he was a small boy jumped in front of a train and took his own life. To be honest it's affected me pretty bad I still just curl up on my couch unable to move all the time and it's been six months. At the funeral I had to listen to family members tell me that they wished they could have said anything to him but it all felt hollow to me. I just sat at the front of the funeral home not talking to anyone. I had one Random woman walk up to me and said she I looked so sad sitting there and she wanted to talk to me. I guess that was sort of nice but to be honest I kind of hated most of the people there they were fake.

I'm sorry you're going through so much pain at the moment all humans deserve compassion and you're no different no matter what your flaws are. I failed Two attempts with Trying to suffocate myself with various forms of gasses. It's pretty complicated and prone to a lot of Error I wouldn't recommend it.

Best of luck to you I hope you're able to find peace. My DMS are open if you need someone to talk to.

 

[agony1996]

I guess I posted some slightly unhinged posts on this forum the past couple of days. I'm sorry about that, and sorry for any misinformation I may have unintentionally spread while trying to discuss things. There was just so much pain and I was looking for a way to hurt myself because I mentally could not contain it. It's even more frustrating when it's impossible to find information online when the initial methods didn't work.

I was posting about wrist cutting and bloodletting, but those are just ways to cope with the pain while I'm still here. It turns out CTB is harder than I'd thought - as have probably a lot of others - and so while I wait to find a method that actually works for me, I have to cope with the pain somehow. A lot of people accuse of "attention seeking". By some miracle perhaps it would be nice to receive some help. But it's never guaranteed and sometimes the pain becomes too much. I'm sure many here are cognizant of the logic: pain from living > enjoyment from living, therefore CTB is a logical choice.

I think we don't need to shame people for not "being serious enough about suicide" when they look for self-harm advice, because they may be coping to get through the day-to-day, which is something I'm sure a lot of us can relate to. Thank you all for the good information about exsanguination and how it's very unlikely to work. I was aware of that, but was looking for good ways to do so anyways, just temporarily.

Either way, the pain is unbearable. Just, unbearable. There's only so much pain a human vessel can hold and I simply, more than anything, just want it to stop. It's been 6 years. I've given effort. Then effort. Then more. Until I don't see a reason to live anymore. AND. On top of that. The pain is excruciating. I have one desire and it is for it to stop.

I want to CTB. I don't care what people will think about it. I don't care that "maybe life could get better". I'm happy, proud, and confident of my choice and *I* understand why, even if the people in my life never will. It doesn't matter. Anything to make it stop. All of it. All of it. Don't tell me there could be other ways. I. Don't. Care. And who exactly would help me with the other ways? No one. In the end, my life, my responsibility, no one will help anything get better. And there is simply too much pain, my energy reserves are at -100000. I fought until I could no longer. Then I fought some more. Then I didn't want to anymore. But I did anyways, because that's the socially acceptable thing to do. I am tired. That... is the biggest understatement I've ever said. I feel like I've died already.

I'm sorry, I got a bit rant-y there at the end. Most of it is directed at the people in my life, not you guys. Either way, I want nothing more than for it all to stop. If someone would be kind enough to share a source with me, I would really appreciate that. Or if anyone wanted to chat more. I'm really ready, so ready to leave. But of course, like many, I'd like to go out in a dignified way. Looking for SN which I only discovered through this site. Thanks for that as well, because I would have gotten so frustrated and probably done something so much less ideal.

Thanks for reading - I really am ready to go. I just need to find a source, or I guess look for another method, but to be honest, SN sounds so good to me. CO would be hard to pull off in my situation and.. I'd like something a little more flexible. Anyway - I would greatly greatly appreciate any help.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much.
I can relate, there is only so many pain a person can take.