TVtrays
Member
- May 6, 2019
- 99
Why is CTB the only constant in my life? I ride waves of hope and stumble into each wake, landing in an all too familiar low. I'm only confident in myself when I'm on my prescribed methylphenidate. I only feel okay about my life when I'm on benzos or opioids. I don't feel okay when I'm alone and when I'm with loved ones, I know it is only transient. The meaningful becomes meaningless. The real becomes artificial, and I'm reminded of the 16 years I've now spent in a constant state of derealization. I know I'm smart. I know I'm capable. But in reality, when it comes down to it, when I'm left to truly consider where my life is and where it's going, I'm reminded of this place and comforted that it exists. I've been here for 4 years but most of you have never seen me post anything or spoken to me. I'm a stranger here, I know, but something keeps luring me back here, as if I'll ever find the courage to officially bring this all to an end. I just want it to be lights out because I'm a coward who trembles at the thought of jumping from a high place or drinking SN and puking myself into the great hereafter. I come here and delude myself with the promise of a death that's within my control, when if I truly had even an ounce of courage, I'd plant myself in a BART tunnel as the train approaches. But I don't. Not because "I'm not ready", but because my waste of a life is sustained by an insurmountable barrier of cowardice.
