I'm at the lowest point of my life so far. I'm almost out of all the money I saved but my job hunt is going nowhere, so I just rot at home while mindlessly scrolling or playing video games that aren't even fun. Literally nothing gives me pleasure and I'm always just so fucking tired. Every action takes so much energy that I have to unironically lay on the bed for 5 minutes after bringing some snacks from the kitchen. I can barely sleep and have nightmares almost every night. I'm addicted to nicotine and porn again. I have no real friends and I'm still a virgin at 20 years old. Suicide is getting more tempting with every passing day.
I'm 21 and still a virgin, as pathetic as this sounds, i don't think i have even held hands romantically with a girl or a boy and i don't even remember the last time i hug someone that wasn't my mom. Not because i haven't had opportunities to achieve that, in fact, i have had quite a few, but something's broken in my brain and i just can't do it.
As michel said, i had thought several times in the past that i had hit rock bottom and i couldn't get worse only to discover that i, in fact, could fall even deeper, i have also thought about committing suicide several times in the past, but I'm too much of a coward to do something like that, and for better or for worse, i kept on living, and you, too, will probably keep on living, for better or for worse.
There's nothing you can do about almost all the things you mentioned, aside from keep on trying and seeking professional help, but even that doesn't guarantee anything. But there's one thing you can control, and that's your outlook on loneliness and relationships. You see, i really think that there's people that, for one reason or another, are destined to be alone forever, i know I'm one of them, and i don't know if you're one too, but from what you say, probably the best thing you can do is make an active effort to get used to this loneliness, it will be difficult, and maybe you won't even get used to it, but if you do, even if all the other things in your life stay the same, at least that will be one burden less from your mind. I have completely given up on real people, i just take care of my social needs with people on the internet, and my sexual desire with the occasional porn
I'm not saying that it is easy, but it is possible, and what other choice do we have? After all, cowards like me will probably keep on living, even if it hurts, even if they don't want to, for better or for worse.
