I just need to take the N...CTB. Otherwise, I'm stuck being fearful of death all the time.
Anyone else feel the same way?
Anyone else feel the same way?
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It's very hard to CTB you're up against fear of death, biological survival instinct, and the unknown
I feel exactly the same. I am terrified of the process. I also have N
jimmy7754
I just want to be myself again
- Dec 15, 2021
- 508
When the pain is unbearable and the building is on fire then you'll know.. so I'm told. Idk anymore
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FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,360
I think if I had N I would be already gone, but I do understand that ctb can be very difficult even if you have a peaceful method. As the user said above, there is the survival instinct, a powerful survival instinct can keep us trapped in this world. I am only still here because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. It is all very depressing. I wish you peace whether you go through with ctb or not.
I'm thinking about ending my life too. I'm too scared to kill myself. I overdosed on acetaminophen back in December, and I regret telling my dad and going to the ER. It would have been a horrible death because I would have three days to think about everything and my depart and plus, to deal with the excruciating pain, but at least I would have been done with my life already. I hate being here. And I'm pretty sure everyone doesn't take my attempt seriously because it seems like such a stupid method, and I even called for help literally right after I overdosed. I remember one of the psychiatrists at the clinic after I overdosed asked me if I did it to prove something to my dad. I seriously just hate this life. What is the point of anything? I don't want to keep living just because I don't want to upset my family.
I find what the psychiatrist asked you offensive, given your true circumstances...
To clarify to some of the previous posts, I don't think I'm stuck at all, I'm just outlining my circumstances. I think I'll be able to go through with it.
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Call it survival instincts, or in my line of work flight or fight. It's not unnatural to feel one way but about a situation or scenario, but have uncontrolled opposite actions. I grew up fearful of death, but as I started my career and the interactions with death I have, I grew to accept it. If anything I'm more intrigued by it, what happens after. But then again I'm just intrigued by the unknown period. Where'd the universe come from? What started the thing that started that, and so on. Anyway back to topic, even with being more accepting to death, I think if that situation ever arose I would have a hard time actually going through with it.
wanttodie
Enlightened
- Apr 19, 2018
- 1,827
Same here, it's all I can think about but when it's time to do it my brain goes it's not to bad and I feel ok for a bit then the sadness returns worse than before
headwood
Member
- Feb 9, 2022
- 35
I have N but I too am stuck. I have nothing left to live for and a Lyme infection in my brain and life is horrible suffering 24/7/365 and I am trapped in derealization, despair, pain, insomnia, and madness. Yet I am afraid to follow through with CTB, afraid the attempt will fail, and afraid of the pain that my death will cause my family especially my mother.
JustAMatterOfTime
Fragile
- Mar 21, 2021
- 905
This is very good "euphemism" or whatever you call those phrases. Having watched horrible videos of people jumping from burning buildings knowing that the pain overcomes SI.
jimmy7754
I just want to be myself again
- Dec 15, 2021
- 508
The so-called 'psychotically depressed' person who tries to kill herself doesn't do so out of quote 'hopelessness' or any abstract conviction that life's assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire's flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It's not desiring the fall; it's terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling 'Don't!' and 'Hang on!', can understand the jump. Not really. You'd have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling. -David Foster Wallace
D&D
Write something, even if it’s just a suicide note.
- Dec 3, 2021
- 252
Thank you for this @sampsnsimpsn - it is exactly what is happening to me and I have been struggling with it for a long time. I know full well that dignified exit is my best and only option. I have everything, including necessary admin staff ready and yet I am still here. Mostly due to 'uncontrolled opposite actions.' I once read on here that the most terrifying thing abut being suicidal is the realization that you can't go through with it. I am starting to feel that. The horror of being sentenced to slow decay. At the mercy of one's instinct. I keep on reminding myself that thousands succeed every day and therefore there must be a way.
