Sakura.
NienawidzÄ™ siebie.
- May 1, 2024
- 211
In recent weeks, I've written several posts or threads here about my suffering caused by observing so many wonderful, beautiful people in public places, joyful, happy, and enjoying life, while I am their complete opposite... Recently, I finally received one negative response, which I had always expected, and which is fine, especially since I was partially misunderstood in both of the allegations made against me. This thread, however, is one of the last posts on this topic, because soon I won't even have the opportunity to experience such suffering again.
It's Saturday evening where I live. For three days, I've been locked and isolated in my room. However, after 10 PM in the evening, I finally had to leave my room to go grocery shopping. These are my last days "living" in a big city and living in a student residence. My student residence is located directly next to several other student residences, especially one larger than mine. Whenever I leave my student residence and pass the other one, I glance near the entrance to see what's going on – friends laughing with each other, girls smoking... This time, a group of four girls chatting there caught my eye. However, the last thing I expected was that I'd have the "opportunity" to interact with them...
After entering the store, I had to wait a good two minutes because I wanted to return my five bottles, and the people in front of me had 36. The government in my country forces us to pick up trash and carry it back to the store to get our $0.13 refund, and we still do it. One person accidentally got in line before me, I didn't say anything, returned my bottles… and at that moment, three of the four girls I'd seen earlier on the street walked into the store. I didn't expect it. Gorgeous evening outfits for partying (it's Saturday night, and I'd never in my life even could consider partying...), gorgeous neck bands, beautiful faces, laughter, spontaneous hugs. But they hit a snag. For some reason, the automatic entrance doors wouldn't open. Then something unexpected happened...
-Hi, is it closed yet? Oh, you're just standing there, okay!
...the most beautiful of them said to me.
-I don't know, I haven't come in yet. It should open. But we can go out through that door.
...I replied.
This was the first time in months I'd been able to say anything to anyone.
I did it. I said something friendly to someone in a normal way.
If so, why do people never let me do that?
The front door to the shop wasn't working, but the exit door was wide open. The problem was, I didn't even have time to say even these few words. How many seconds did I speak? A few? And yet, halfway through that last sentence, they had already walked away, ignoring me. I know it was just a random interaction—would an autistic person ask a stranger a random question, only to realize in a split second that it was pointless? No… - but I've had situations like this many times where, after just a few words, the person would walk away and ignore me as if I hadn't even spoken. Such a random interaction would be of great value to me—I'm writing a whole thread about it now!—and I would always listen to it all. And it was only just a few words.
There was something else that surprised me and caught my attention. After entering the store, these three girls… went straight to the cash register. So they were all just there for cigarettes... Another trigger for me... This is the only product in my country that can only be purchased in person at a regular checkout. Even alcohol can be purchased at the self-checkout (although with proof of age from the store employee), but cigarettes must be purchased at the regular checkout. I even watched this scene for a moment because the cashier was saying she had to leave the checkout and start cleaning the store, and that they should use the self-checkout, but they insisted, for obvious reasons...
My life is so awful that I haven't even had the opportunity to start smoking and ruin my life with a nicotine addiction, which in my case would have become severe. And if I decided to do it myself now, I would never even have anyone to smoke with...
This girl doesn't know it, this girl doesn't even remember the question, but...
this was most likely my last interaction with someone my age.
Especially with someone so wonderful...
I have literally three events left in my life where people my age will participate. Next week, on Wednesday, I'll have my final consultations for my master's thesis. Then I'll have my final exam, and then my graduation. At these first two events, I'll approach the room, one or two people will be forced to say "hi," and that's the end of our interaction, and I'll have to stand somewhere on the sidelines, silent. At my graduation, after five years of studying together, I won't even have a single person to say "hi" to me, and instead of sitting normally with all the other students, I'll be the only one standing somewhere on the sidelines with my family, who are forcing me to participate, thinking it will be a happy event for me...
I want to die.
I just want to die...
It's Saturday evening where I live. For three days, I've been locked and isolated in my room. However, after 10 PM in the evening, I finally had to leave my room to go grocery shopping. These are my last days "living" in a big city and living in a student residence. My student residence is located directly next to several other student residences, especially one larger than mine. Whenever I leave my student residence and pass the other one, I glance near the entrance to see what's going on – friends laughing with each other, girls smoking... This time, a group of four girls chatting there caught my eye. However, the last thing I expected was that I'd have the "opportunity" to interact with them...
After entering the store, I had to wait a good two minutes because I wanted to return my five bottles, and the people in front of me had 36. The government in my country forces us to pick up trash and carry it back to the store to get our $0.13 refund, and we still do it. One person accidentally got in line before me, I didn't say anything, returned my bottles… and at that moment, three of the four girls I'd seen earlier on the street walked into the store. I didn't expect it. Gorgeous evening outfits for partying (it's Saturday night, and I'd never in my life even could consider partying...), gorgeous neck bands, beautiful faces, laughter, spontaneous hugs. But they hit a snag. For some reason, the automatic entrance doors wouldn't open. Then something unexpected happened...
-Hi, is it closed yet? Oh, you're just standing there, okay!
...the most beautiful of them said to me.
-I don't know, I haven't come in yet. It should open. But we can go out through that door.
...I replied.
This was the first time in months I'd been able to say anything to anyone.
I did it. I said something friendly to someone in a normal way.
If so, why do people never let me do that?
The front door to the shop wasn't working, but the exit door was wide open. The problem was, I didn't even have time to say even these few words. How many seconds did I speak? A few? And yet, halfway through that last sentence, they had already walked away, ignoring me. I know it was just a random interaction—would an autistic person ask a stranger a random question, only to realize in a split second that it was pointless? No… - but I've had situations like this many times where, after just a few words, the person would walk away and ignore me as if I hadn't even spoken. Such a random interaction would be of great value to me—I'm writing a whole thread about it now!—and I would always listen to it all. And it was only just a few words.
There was something else that surprised me and caught my attention. After entering the store, these three girls… went straight to the cash register. So they were all just there for cigarettes... Another trigger for me... This is the only product in my country that can only be purchased in person at a regular checkout. Even alcohol can be purchased at the self-checkout (although with proof of age from the store employee), but cigarettes must be purchased at the regular checkout. I even watched this scene for a moment because the cashier was saying she had to leave the checkout and start cleaning the store, and that they should use the self-checkout, but they insisted, for obvious reasons...
My life is so awful that I haven't even had the opportunity to start smoking and ruin my life with a nicotine addiction, which in my case would have become severe. And if I decided to do it myself now, I would never even have anyone to smoke with...
This girl doesn't know it, this girl doesn't even remember the question, but...
this was most likely my last interaction with someone my age.
Especially with someone so wonderful...
I have literally three events left in my life where people my age will participate. Next week, on Wednesday, I'll have my final consultations for my master's thesis. Then I'll have my final exam, and then my graduation. At these first two events, I'll approach the room, one or two people will be forced to say "hi," and that's the end of our interaction, and I'll have to stand somewhere on the sidelines, silent. At my graduation, after five years of studying together, I won't even have a single person to say "hi" to me, and instead of sitting normally with all the other students, I'll be the only one standing somewhere on the sidelines with my family, who are forcing me to participate, thinking it will be a happy event for me...
I want to die.
I just want to die...
