I just had my dream scenario come true and I still want to die

[stayinadreamforever]

Hi everyone,

The title says it all. There's literally nothing that can convince me that life is worth living at this point. I recently had my dream scenario come true. The one thing that I always believed would save me if it ever happened. I recently reunited with my soulmate, the love of my life, the one I pushed away when we were together with my egregious abuse of drugs. We haven't seen each other in over a decade. In that decade plus, I got clean. I knew she had moved on from me, but I told myself that if I ever got the chance to be with her again, I would cherish it and be the man she believed I could be.

Well, now we're here. She's back. She contacted me after a decade with a tearful message to let me know that I was always the only person she ever really loved. I'm clean off drugs. Her breaking up with me in the first place is the only reason I'm still alive today. We rekindled our romance from its highest point.

And yet, I'm still here wanting to die. Instead of being eternally grateful for her return the way I promised I would be, I'm sitting here resenting the shit out of her for ever moving on from me in the first place. She moved on. She fucked someone else. Ew! I fucked other women too, but only after she moved on. I don't care that I was the one who corrupted our relationship in the first place by constantly violating her trust a hundred times over. I don't care that she only moved on after I literally told her that she meant nothing to me in comparison to my drug of choice. I hate her for ever moving on in the first place. I want to inflict on her the most horrible emotional pain I can imagine...I want her to believe that I'm 100% devoted to our relationship, then fuck some random chick at a club so I can make her know just how badly she hurt me.

I'm not a good person. I'm a bad person. And that's why I should just end it all now. There is no truly good part of me. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I'm the kind of person who could fuck over a loved one a hundred times and still have the audacity to blame them for not accepting my bullshit.

 

[Rounded Agony]

You have enough self-awareness to see how twisted some of these things you've observed are - that is worth a lot. I don't know how many other attempts at different types of recovery you've made (way to go for getting clean, btw), but I think you have a lot of potential. "Therapy" seems to be a ridiculously hot-button notion here these days, but call it whatever you want; getting a trained outside perspective on how to help you cope with and/or overcome your shit - would definitely be worth taking a crack at, if you can find a good practitioner. At the very worst you'll be in the same place you are now. At best, you might find contentment.

 

[damaged_soul]

My dream scenario is literally death

 

[WhiteRabbit]

It sounds like this woman needs to run away from you as fast as she can.

 

[Lost Magic]

It can only end in tears especially since you are holding major resentments from the past. Do something good this time. Let her go. That's all I'm saying.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

You're cringe, controlling and toxic.

Don't be mad all because she could find someone who could satisfy her better than you could ever hope to do.

You can move on, but she can't? Sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around you. You're really not that important to where she wouldn't move on from.

Trash men like you are the reason why women are better off being lesbian. Thinking that you and your disgusting weiner are god's gift to women.

 

[Cathy Ames]

You have enough self-awareness to see how twisted some of these things you've observed are - that is worth a lot. I don't know how many other attempts at different types of recovery you've made (way to go for getting clean, btw), but I think you have a lot of potential. "Therapy" seems to be a ridiculously hot-button notion here these days, but call it whatever you want; getting a trained outside perspective on how to help you cope with and/or overcome your shit - would definitely be worth taking a crack at, if you can find a good practitioner. At the very worst you'll be in the same place you are now. At best, you might find contentment.

I totally agree with this.

I will add... in my opinion, wanting things and feeling things does not make you a "bad" person, but, yikes, please do not follow through.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I'd like to say something to comfort and support you. But your post has made that a really difficult thing to do. I urge you to really think about your situation as clearly as you can. You've been given a lifeline that so many would kill for.

 

[whatevs]

I hope you complete. And you do not hurt her.
You really sound like a disgusting evil person.
Do the world a favor, we don't need people like you.

Ehem, hoping for completion is bad etiquette... Better to just "wish safe travels".

Now yeah, that revenge plan of yours would be more regretful than just breaking up for good. You can't overcome that she left then, then let her go.

 

[Obliviate]

Yeah you sound like a horrible shitty narcissistic dumbass asshole of a typical dumbfuck of a male. Disgusting person. Eh the afterlife will take care of you. @RainAndSadness @Anxieyote @Myforevercharlie Ban this fool

 

[Larkins]

I hope you complete. And you do not hurt her.
You really sound like a disgusting evil person.
Do the world a favor, we don't need people like you.

This comment is one of the least helpful I have ever seen. I don't know who you are but you're clearly here to destabilise things
. The person who wrote this thread is reaching out for support. His core is true. He just needs a lot of help to work things through.
A lot of these responses are really worrying. I'm confused as to why they were made. The guy needs help to work through his feelings and emotions. He knows they are not right. He doesn't want these thoughts. He's reaching out in good faith. He wants constructive help to work them through. Please be more considerate.

 

[DaatiSimi]

This comment is one of the least helpful I have ever seen. I don't know who you are but you're clearly here to destabilise things
. The person who wrote this thread is reaching out for support. His core is true. He just needs a lot of help to work things through.
A lot of these responses are really worrying. I'm confused as to why they were made. The guy needs help to work through his feelings and emotions. He knows they are not right. He doesn't want these thoughts. He's reaching out in good faith. He wants constructive help to work them through. Please be more considerate.

He's not asking for help.
He literally has another post about how he's a bad person and he's not interested in changing.

 

[Cathy Ames]

This is the earlier post (from November 12).

In part it says.... "The best thing I can do is just check out of here before I break anyone else's heart. I probably won't any time soon. I'll convince myself that everything I'm saying right now isn't true, and I'll start the process all over again. But deep down I know it is." Which is kind of similar to part of the current post. ["I'm not a good person. I'm a bad person. And that's why I should just end it all now."]

 

[Myforevercharlie]

He's not asking for help.
He literally has another post about how he's a bad person and he's not interested in changing.

He definitely is asking for help .

Yeah you sound like a horrible shitty narcissistic dumbass asshole of a typical dumbfuck of a male. Disgusting person. Eh the afterlife will take care of you. @RainAndSadness @Anxieyote @Myforevercharlie Ban this fool

No, I won't. This person is asking for help, and very honest about his thoughts.

This place is open to people with all sorts of mental / physical problems, not everyone will always understand what someone else is going through. You may find this disgusting, I say this person is as much welcome here as you are

( If the other mods decide differently, that's fine, this is my personal opinion)

 

[RainAndSadness]

I understand that this thread is very difficult to read for some people because OP has the intention to emotionally hurt someone for reasons we can't understand. I don't think a ban is necessary and reading the answers here might make them question or or two things about their behavior and that's way more preferrable in my opinion. And honestly, I doubt banning someone in this forum would change their RL behavior and I don't think being an asshole is the line we as moderators should draw to remove someone from this forum. If this thread was targeted at another member, that would be a very different question.

And to the OP, I don't know what circumstances have led you to behave that way and maybe there is a complicated history between the two of you but I suggest you stop for a second, introspect and ask yourself: is that the person you want to be? Hurting someone just because you can? I don't know man, it sounds you should take that energy you put into hurting other people and use it to work on yourself. But leave that woman alone. I'm not sure if your behavior is the symptom of a mental condition that makes you behave that way but you're not only destroying another human, you're destroying yourself too in the process. It looks like you're sabotaging yourself. You have a person that loves you, that's something many of us don't have and instead of enjoying the moment and appreciating her affection, treating her with some respect, you think about ways to hurt her and push her away from you? After she came back to you, which is what you wanted in the first place? Sounds very familiar as someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, tbh. Don't let it out on her. It's not too late to turn this into something positive for your life. Think about it. It's just my opinion as someone who isn't aware with all the details of the situation.

 

[Obliviate]

He definitely is asking for help .

No, I won't. This person is asking for help, and very honest about his thoughts.

This place is open to people with all sorts of mental / physical problems, not everyone will always understand what someone else is going through. You may find this disgusting, I say this person is as much welcome here as you are

( If the other mods decide differently, that's fine, this is my personal opinion)

I understand that this thread is very difficult to read for some people because OP has the intention to emotionally hurt someone for reasons we can't understand. I don't think a ban is necessary and reading the answers here might make them question or or two things about their behavior and that's way more preferrable in my opinion. And honestly, I doubt banning someone in this forum would change their RL behavior and I don't think being an asshole is the line we as moderators should draw to remove someone from this forum. If this thread was targeted at another member, that would be a very different question.

And to the OP, I don't know what circumstances have led you to behave that way and maybe there is a complicated history between the two of you but I suggest you stop for a second, introspect and ask yourself: is that the person you want to be? Hurting someone just because you can? I don't know man, it sounds you should take that energy you put into hurting other people and use it to work on yourself. But leave that woman alone. I'm not sure if your behavior is the symptom of a mental condition that makes you behave that way but you're not only destroying another human, you're destroying yourself too in the process. It looks like you're sabotaging yourself. You have a person that loves you, that's something many of us don't have and instead of enjoying the moment and appreciating her affection, treating her with some respect, you think about ways to hurt her and push her away from you? After she came back to you, which is what you wanted in the first place? Sounds very familiar as someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, tbh. Don't let it out on her. It's not too late to turn this into something positive for your life. Think about it. It's just my opinion as someone who isn't aware with all the details of the situation.

He's literally admitting to have and will continue to inflict pain and abuse all while being emotionally manipulative and gaslighting. NPD. But to each their own I guess *shrugs*

 

[RainAndSadness]

He's literally admitting to have and will continue to inflict pain and abuse all while being emotionally manipulative and gaslighting. NPD. But to each their own I guess *shrugs*

I don't see a rule violation in this particular post and we wouldn't set a very good precedent if we banned members based on arbritary factors such as lack of likeability or similiar subjective impressions. And that's a good thing. You wouldn't want to be active in a community that bans members based on its perceiption of a "good person", that's simply too vague for my taste. We exclude people from the forum via insta-ban only in severe cases and we consider it a last resort option, for example if someone has a complete disregard for the rules or the philosophy of this forum or if we conclude that they're a harmful presence in this community based on substantive evidence and that's usually worth a discussion with the entire team. I don't think that's the case here. That's mod talk.

On a personal note, I think this person seeked out input and the best we can do is give some good faith advice and hope that will do it. Based on their previous post history from a now self-deactivated account, they seem to be aware of their tendency to be abusive towards other people. That's a good first step and action to prevent any future harm to others is the second step. And that's up to them. I think that approach of empathy is way more constructive than lashing out to people who are obviously not in a very good spot. I wouldn't be very comfortable with diagnosing someone with a condition when I don't know the full story. But you can reach people with empathy and I believe this person isn't a lost cause. That being said, we're moderators, not necessarily therapists and I simply apply the rules in this forum. If possible, I try to give some good advice too and I think I've tried my best to reach out to them. And that's all I can do.

I'll close this thread now because all parties have said their part and it doesn't seem like anyone else wants to respond to the question of the topic. /locked