I just got a good opportunity to CTB and my body is strangely demanding me to do it

[Sakura.]

No, I won't do anything to myself, so you don't have to worry. I just want to capture this fleeting feeling I'm feeling right now.

***

I live with my parent who is currently on vacation and I am basically alone in my house.

The day they went on vacation was the day I suddenly lost all my appetite. I never have any problem with it, and now I can't bring myself to eat anything...

And it's not because of some emotional breakdown, because I feel exactly the same as I do every day.


It's like my body is demanding to be destroyed.

It's like it's demanding that I fast and finally do it...


Even when I finally eat something, I feel guilty because it means I'm ruining my chance to fast and do it...

***

I study (I'm currently on summer break) in a city far away from where I live. I don't have family, friends or other people there who could see through my plans and stop me if I decide to catch the bus.

So soon I will have ideal conditions to CTB almost every day...


I had such conditions before.

However, I didn't have what I have now - access and knowledge of methods.


I couldn't do it then, but now I will be able to...


I wonder how I will feel with such perfect conditions every day...

 

[Gangrel]

I'm sorry you body and mind makes you feel like this. I hope one day it doesn't, but if it does not i hope peace takes the spot of your current emotion.

 

[esistzeit]

It sounds like you're still young. A teenager, maybe? It always saddens me when I see such things. I have been there before; I'm sorry for your pain.

Death by starvation takes way too long to be reliable, not to mention you could easily be taken to a hospital upon fainting.

I thought of dehydration before and tried it myself. But I never made it pass 3 days. It's unpleasant, slow and scary. Because you can abort it at any time, it takes a lot of determination to do it.

I also felt suicidal in my teenage years. Life did not get better for me, but it may for you. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but maybe you could wait and see if life brings you better things?

We are always here if you need to talk.
I hope you have better days

 

[Sakura.]

It sounds like you're still young. A teenager, maybe? It always saddens me when I see such things. I have been there before; I'm sorry for your pain.

Death by starvation takes way too long to be reliable, not to mention you could easily be taken to a hospital upon fainting.

I thought of dehydration before and tried it myself. But I never made it pass 3 days. It's unpleasant, slow and scary. Because you can abort it at any time, it takes a lot of determination to do it.

I also felt suicidal in my teenage years. Life did not get better for me, but it may for you. I don't know exactly what you're going through, but maybe you could wait and see if life brings you better things?

We are always here if you need to talk.
I hope you have better days

Thank you for your very kind words!

I'm not a teenager, I'm 22. But I have been severely depressed and suicidal since early childhood...

And I can already tell that it will never get better.

When I wrote about fasting, I meant fasting before taking SN, not starving or dehydrating. But like I said, I won't do it, I don't even have the resources to do it yet.

I'm sorry you body and mind makes you feel like this. I hope one day it doesn't, but if it does not i hope peace takes the spot of your current emotion.

Thank you!

 

[esistzeit]

Thank you for your very kind words!

I'm not a teenager, I'm 22. But I have been severely depressed and suicidal since early childhood...

And I can already tell that it will never get better.

When I wrote about fasting, I meant fasting before taking SN, not starving or dehydrating. But like I said, I won't do it, I don't even have the resources to do it yet.

Ah, so you've lived enough to see the sadness of the world. Sorry.

Since early childhood? That must be horrible I've been broken since adolescence but there were cute moments in my childhood. But I, too, feel like it's only downhill from here.

I will also be taking SN and I've been practicing fasting so it won't be too unpleasant on the D-Day.

 

[seraph168]

I hope something changes for you, I joined this forum today and reading everyone's stories is eye opening. For as long as I can remember, I've been hoping I won't wake up from my sleep every night. I didn't have much knowledge on methods either until I stumbled upon these forums. All I can really say is that you shouldn't make any hasty decisions now you have more knowledge, you are still young and a lot can change for you. You have time and options

 

[sos]

your post only makes me wonder why you don't wanna do it if you have the chance and the realization of having that chance

the body wants it; but the mind doesn't?

 

[Sakura.]

All I can really say is that you shouldn't make any hasty decisions now you have more knowledge,

Thanks for the kind message!

Don't worry, I've been suicidal for about 10 years now and in that time I've never even come close to even trying to do anything to myself.

Knowing better methods than hanging myself or slitting my wrists makes a huge difference, but I still won't do anything impulsively. Sad to say, but I doubt I'll ever decide to do that...

***

I hope something changes for you,
you are still young and a lot can change for you.

I see many specific things that will change for the worse for me in the near future. The death of my closest family members, who are the only people in my life. An even greater deterioration of my health, which is already worryingly weak at such a young age. My graduation from college, where I feel terrible, and the necessity of taking up a job, where I will feel even worse.

However, I don't see anything that could be better for me. In particular, anything that could lead me out of my suicidal state and make me happy.

***

You have time and options

I am already theoretically pursuing the best possible option for me. I am studying my dream, very prestigious major at one of the best universities in my country. For the time being, I am leaving my poor and tiny village to live in a big and beautiful city, which is associated with many opportunities.

But no. It doesn't make me feel better.

***

your post only makes me wonder why you don't wanna do it if you have the chance and the realization of having that chance

the body wants it; but the mind doesn't?

The mind in particular wants this and causes my body to force to fast and thus create the conditions for drinking SN.

But I have excellent coping mechanisms, because of which I am passively suicidal as a rule, and even when I become active, it is to a very moderate degree at worst. It doesn't mean that I don't suffer. I do. Horribly. But I'm numb to it...

I feel terrible and I'm suffering, but even now, with the conditions to CTB, I'm only slightly suicidal.

 

[seraph168]

It does sound like you have a lot going for you, education wise! Sounds like a great opportunity I am glad to read that you don't necessarily feel a strong urge to CTB. I'm sorry to hear about your deteriorating health, is it a disease or something that could be treated holistically perhaps? I do strongly believe that a lot could change in your life for the better! Regarding family members passing away, I can't tell you to suck eggs. What I can say? It's a natural process and when that time comes, you will be OK

 

[esistzeit]

Hey, are you still alive?

I understand you better now. I got my SN now and I've been having constant opportunities to do it but I keep on ruining it. I hope break this final barrier soon.

How have you been lately?