_02aslademe
Here
- Aug 22, 2023
- 18
I'm sick today. Texted for COVID, came back negative so I guess it's just a common cold. Overheating, running a fever, tissues littering the floor of my room and the like. I'm so achy, too, and my limbs feel as stiff as a corpse.
What I've noticed is that it always gets worse when I'm sick. Hearing things that aren't there, hearing my name or someone asking me a question or offering something or threatening something that I can just barely make out usually. Footsteps and crashes. Seeing things out of the corner of my eye and forgetting things I've said or done in the moment. I would be scared again, but I'm not.
I'm too exhausted to even be scared or angry or anything. I feel so numb and hate myself for that- I don't even fully "hate myself", I just assume that logically I would. Everything is "logically" now. Anything "emotionally" has just shut down; I love my partner logically. I love my cat logically. As if "in theory" I love them or "in theory" I feel this. I don't feel anything emotionally anymore. I'm so angry at myself. Everyone else can feel things but here I am with the manual of emotion going through the definitions to try to find out what, hypothetically, I'm feeling.
I'm inadvertently distancing myself from others, too. I don't mean to, but it's happening anyway. Talking less and less, leaving my house less, cutting contact more. I wish I would die or disappear so I wouldn't have to deal with repercussions, with myself, with others; I'm such a coward.
When I was about in early high school, a kid on my brother's (in primary school) soccer team died in his sleep. Allegedly, he was having mild breathing difficulty before he went to bed- stuffy nose, sniffing, sneezing. The next morning he didn't wake up. He died around midnight.
It's so unfair. He was nine years old with so much life to live and enjoying life no less. Why should people like this have to die, while those who desperately claw for death must live? Death must be blind.
What I've noticed is that it always gets worse when I'm sick. Hearing things that aren't there, hearing my name or someone asking me a question or offering something or threatening something that I can just barely make out usually. Footsteps and crashes. Seeing things out of the corner of my eye and forgetting things I've said or done in the moment. I would be scared again, but I'm not.
I'm too exhausted to even be scared or angry or anything. I feel so numb and hate myself for that- I don't even fully "hate myself", I just assume that logically I would. Everything is "logically" now. Anything "emotionally" has just shut down; I love my partner logically. I love my cat logically. As if "in theory" I love them or "in theory" I feel this. I don't feel anything emotionally anymore. I'm so angry at myself. Everyone else can feel things but here I am with the manual of emotion going through the definitions to try to find out what, hypothetically, I'm feeling.
I'm inadvertently distancing myself from others, too. I don't mean to, but it's happening anyway. Talking less and less, leaving my house less, cutting contact more. I wish I would die or disappear so I wouldn't have to deal with repercussions, with myself, with others; I'm such a coward.
When I was about in early high school, a kid on my brother's (in primary school) soccer team died in his sleep. Allegedly, he was having mild breathing difficulty before he went to bed- stuffy nose, sniffing, sneezing. The next morning he didn't wake up. He died around midnight.
It's so unfair. He was nine years old with so much life to live and enjoying life no less. Why should people like this have to die, while those who desperately claw for death must live? Death must be blind.
some days feel torturous don't they? I don't really know what else to say other than you aren't alone here. I hope later on, or tomorrow you feel a little better and life isn't quite so heavy.
