I just don't seem to get it.

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When I try to kill myself, it's not justified and I should seek help (which I can't even get by the way, apparently there are no therapists or psychologists in my area) but when a criminal/pedophile/killer tries to kill themselves it's completely fine? I know it might sound dumb, but I already accepted the fact that I am just retarded and I should just hang off to a rope already for my stupid ways that I cope.

 

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I mean shit, I probably hate myself than everyone who has ever hated me combined. I don't find enjoyment, fun, purpose, reason or being beneficial to anyone. Are people just masochists that they still see me day to day like my mother, father, sister and brother? I don't feel like a burden, I feel more useless than a burden. Most of the time I am like a ghost at school. I am almost 18 and I still wonder what went wrong. I tried slitting the back of my neck once without any success, I tried overdosing on caffeine (really stupid idea, but I was desperate for anything at this point). Maybe I could buy a CTB harmless method that doesn't cost much. I can only dream on though. It's got to a point that I don't need to consider it any more, it's my only option. If I had more options I would've reconsidered, but I am just sick of waiting.