Venting I just, don't know what to do

[kwab0nga]

I guess I'll start by giving some information about my life: I'm trans guy, pre HRT, I've dealt with anxiety and depressive thoughs since childhood. I did last year a really bad decision, that I though it was good at that time: enrolled in a college where you do electrical engineering while in military, so like you have an almost normal military day but you have lessons to attention to and seminar and all that kind of stuff.
Note that I didn't want to go into electrical engineering I was just assigned here because my acceptance grade was too low for software engineering.
And I hate this specialization, nothing comes natural to me, I can't study, I can't learn shit and it all just becomes harder and harder.
Two months ago I just kind of had a mental breakdown? Because of failed examns and the military part becoming more and more, I feel like I can't do it anymore and either way I have no chance of passing this year and if I don't I will get expelled from the university. There is no option of freezing an year or something of that kind.
I tried going to therapy, but it doesn't really help, the therapist keeps misgendering me and last time I realized my parents were right: I do destroy everything I touch, so why even bother anymore.
My parents also don't want me to drop out because we will have a lot of money to pay.
I just feel sorry for my friends that they're friends with someone like me.
I don't know if I should cut or try something else.
I also don't exactly know why I wrote things here, I almost never post anything on any sort of social media or forums, I think I just needed a place to vent, so thanks for listening.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for all you are going through. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and some difficult decisions to make. Have you talked to your tutors about how you are struggling? Do you know all your options? Can you change the university subject or, drop that part of it? I suspect both institutions would rather work with you to find something that works rather than see you leave all together.

Would you prefer to leave though? I suspect your parents are worried for you but, if they realised how unhappy you felt, maybe they would be more supportive of whatever is needed to get you through this.

Don't feel bad for your friends. I'm sure they appreciate you for who you are. That's what makes them friends.

I wish I had some good advice to give. It sounds like you have reached out partly with the therapist. Were they good in other ways? Perhaps you could (politely obviously) tell them that misgendering you is upsetting for you. Maybe that would prompt them to be more mindful. Are they attached to the university or military? You could maybe try a different therapist if possible. I'm not a massive fan myself but, at least it's someone to talk to. Therapists attached to the university will also be used to students who are struggling and considering leaving. They may be more familiar with the options.