I can't help but feel that I've wasted my entire life already. I feel like shit everyday. I just started going to a new college as a spring admit first year. It's the spring semester. It's so fucking hard to make new friends, to socialize, to play catchup with clubs. I feel like everyone around me is so smart and doing so much with their damned life. Here I am, part of basically 0 clubs. I'm trying I'm fucking trying to do the rocket prop lab club but I just fucking can't. Everyone knows their shit, everyone already did this half a year already. Design phase is out. I don't know. I know what I'm doing wrong though. I just don't fucking try hard enough. I go to their composites meetings because I already missed out on several lectures from their analysis sub team. I can't catch up with that. I don't know how I'm supposed to push myself to get involved when in reality all I want to do is die. I feel like worthless garbage when everyone else around me is apart of all these clubs, already made so many friends, and here I am typing up a vent post on a forum no one will read. I don't have any friends and tbh, I've always had a hard time making friends since I was little.
I feel like I'm too dumb for my major. I just failed my physics midterm-- I know I did. I don't even know if I want to do engineering. I'm too stupid, too lacking in discipline, too lacking in passion, too lacking in anything. I want friends. I want to learn new things. But I hate the processes of doing both of those things. I've missed out on so many opportunities because I either reject myself first or I get too lazy and retreat back into my comfort zone. I'm fucking up my first year of college and I've barely been at this damned place for a month.
I've already tried to kill myself before and I thought maybe things would get better. But they really don't. Nothing ever gets better. My biggest regret in my life is failing my first suicide attempt with SN. Now that shit is impossible to get and I don't know if I can even muster up the courage to kill myself in any other way besides SN or N. I don't think there's a future for me at all. I can't see myself in 5 years because all I hope to be in five years in dead. I don't know anything. I don't know anything except for the fact that I'm a failure and am better off dead.
If anyone knows how to get some N I'll literally do fucking anything to get off this damned planet. I legitimately don't think I can do this anymore.
I have another midterm for my material science class on Friday. I wish I could find the courage to kill myself before then, but I'll probably study for it once I get off. Because no matter how much bitching I do, I'm still a fucking coward in the end. That's why I failed my first attempt, that's why I'm failing at socializing, that's why I'm failing at academics, and that's why I'm failing at life. Because I'm a fucking coward who's always gotten shit handed to him and at the tiniest amount of required effort makes me want to die.
I feel like I'm too dumb for my major. I just failed my physics midterm-- I know I did. I don't even know if I want to do engineering. I'm too stupid, too lacking in discipline, too lacking in passion, too lacking in anything. I want friends. I want to learn new things. But I hate the processes of doing both of those things. I've missed out on so many opportunities because I either reject myself first or I get too lazy and retreat back into my comfort zone. I'm fucking up my first year of college and I've barely been at this damned place for a month.
I've already tried to kill myself before and I thought maybe things would get better. But they really don't. Nothing ever gets better. My biggest regret in my life is failing my first suicide attempt with SN. Now that shit is impossible to get and I don't know if I can even muster up the courage to kill myself in any other way besides SN or N. I don't think there's a future for me at all. I can't see myself in 5 years because all I hope to be in five years in dead. I don't know anything. I don't know anything except for the fact that I'm a failure and am better off dead.
If anyone knows how to get some N I'll literally do fucking anything to get off this damned planet. I legitimately don't think I can do this anymore.
I have another midterm for my material science class on Friday. I wish I could find the courage to kill myself before then, but I'll probably study for it once I get off. Because no matter how much bitching I do, I'm still a fucking coward in the end. That's why I failed my first attempt, that's why I'm failing at socializing, that's why I'm failing at academics, and that's why I'm failing at life. Because I'm a fucking coward who's always gotten shit handed to him and at the tiniest amount of required effort makes me want to die.
