I jumped 8 stories

[fightclub17]

How likely is it that you will lose your leg? It's confusing to me because you jumped but unless you got an infection I don't know why they would amputate your leg, I know people who's legs don't work but they keep them.

It did get infected, and sometimes due to complications bones don't unify. Two main reasons for amputation.

 

[wine is fine but]

It did get infected, and sometimes due to complications bones don't unify. Two main reasons for amputation.

if you do not mind me asking, and you can most certainly ignore this, but
have most of the operations been on your leg(s)

 

[MyUniqueUsername]

I jumped 8 stories and survived. I woke up after a week coma, spent 3 months in hospital/rehab. I have life altering injures and scars. Everyone asks me what happened to me. I'm a walking (barely) failure and my trauma is visible, and will be for the rest of my life! I have lost friends and family. My reputation is tainted. I can't work. My husband wants a divorce. I've been forced to move into my parent's house and they physically abused me last night. I wish I fucking died!!!

Hopefully sharing my story stops someone from considering jumping as their method.

Has this changed your look on life?
You still wanna ctb or did anything change?

Did you feel regret while falling or something?

 

[fightclub17]

if you do not mind me asking, and you can most certainly ignore this, but
have most of the operations been on your leg(s)

Yeah ten operations on my leg(s) and still counting...

Has this changed your look on life?
You still wanna ctb or did anything change?

Did you feel regret while falling or something?

I did feel regret while falling. But unlike other methods, you can't do anything about it.

Originally when the hospital fixed my akathisia and insomnia I was so grateful to have a second chance at life (even with a broken body). But as time has gone on I'm starting to realise how deeply traumatised I really am. I have PTSD - reoccuring flashbacks, nightmares, hypervigilance, confusion, panic attacks, anxiety and depression. Life feels more fragile and frightening. I'm scared to be alone, because when I'm alone I'm with the person who tried to kill me. I've also gone through multiple layers of loss and stressers since. I won't bore you with the details, but I am 100% worse off than before this event... I am unrecognisable. My life split into before and after. Is post traumatic growth possible after such a catastrophe? Can one really rebuild safety within themselves again? I've tried medicine and I've tried therapy... I just don't see it yet...

 

[wine is fine but]

Yeah ten operations on my leg(s) and still counting...

one leg is worse i assume - the side with the shattered knee and dislocated elbow

was it 3 years ago or 1?

sorry if the questions are invasive - you have suffered enough already without idiots asking you silly questions :)

 

[Pryras]

I was going to try jumping in 3 days. Off the bridge. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!! People don't understand the amount the hell someone has to be in to consider jumping and actually doing it. I felt temporarily better when I tried Molly and got my hands on ketamine but I can't do this forever.

 

[fightclub17]

one leg is worse i assume - the side with the shattered knee and dislocated elbow

was it 3 years ago or 1?

sorry if the questions are invasive - you have suffered enough already without idiots asking you silly questions :)

Yeah my other leg wasn't damaged by the fall, but it's been the skin/muscle/bone marrow donor leg.

It's been a year.

I was going to try jumping in 3 days. Off the bridge. I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!! People don't understand the amount the hell someone has to be in to consider jumping and actually doing it. I felt temporarily better when I tried Molly and got my hands on ketamine but I can't do this forever.

I would highly recommend against this. It's not something I sat on, it's not worth the risk.

 

[wine is fine but]

Yeah my other leg wasn't damaged by the fall, but it's been the skin/muscle/bone marrow donor leg.

It's been a year.

wow, that many operations in a year . . . life has been so cruel to you

i assume the 3 years written off includes the insomnia, or do you expect another 2 years of horror

i am so sorry for you; no one should have to go through what you have

 

[fightclub17]

wow, that many operations in a year . . . life has been so cruel to you

i assume the 3 years written off includes the insomnia, or do you expect another 2 years of horror

i am so sorry for you; no one should have to go through what you have

It's approximately 2 more years of being in this cage/rehabilitation. That's IF my leg even does heal - imagine going through 3 years of being in a cage just to have your leg chopped off. I shake in fear at the thought. I'm over it.

 

[Pryras]

When did you decide to jump? Was it in the moment or did you plan it? Also was this during the day? I can't imagine jumping from something like a building only water seems plausible to me since I don't have that level of courage

Did you feel the pain when you hit or after you woke up? Your story is sincerely painful to read it's awful what you went through

 

[wine is fine but]

imagine going through 3 years of being in a cage just to have your leg chopped off. I shake in fear at the thought. I'm over it.

i could not imagine it

i think everyone would be shaking in fear at the thought - the constant operations are more than enough to make someone shake in fear

you are so brave, but even bravery can only help you so much . . . i am sure everyone else here is thinking of you and hoping for the best for you as i am. hopefully we can send some positive chi power your way to help you through this. virtual hugs probably aren't doing much, but there are plenty of them being sent your way. hopefully some of them have hit their target

sorry about the questions - i read your post where you said you had written 3 years off, and then you said it was one year ago. 11 operations over 3 years is so many, but 11 in 1 would normally seem unbelievable

 

[fightclub17]

When did you decide to jump? Was it in the moment or did you plan it? Also was this during the day? I can't imagine jumping from something like a building only water seems plausible to me since I don't have that level of courage

Did you feel the pain when you hit or after you woke up? Your story is sincerely painful to read it's awful what you went through

I decided on the day. And yes it was during broad daylight... there was no one around. I didn't feel pain upon impact but when I saw my leg hanging by a thread and bone sticking out I screamed and lost consciousness. The pain while in hospital and now is immense.

 

[wine is fine but]

I'm scared to be alone, because when I'm alone I'm with the person who tried to kill me

i realise that your mind cannot believe this at present, and maybe never will
but you were not the one who tried to kill you. it was incompetent medical staff/system who do not care about helping people, and the medication you were on. you said, you never had any suicidal thoughts before your tragedy, so it wasn't "you" who chose to jump, but it is you who paid the price. even if you choose to try some other method, you will most likely put plans in place for something that will not fail. i pretty much do not know you at all, but you do not seem to be a "monster" who tried to hurt yourself. for sure, choosing another method might scare the crap out of you too, but you probably will not do that without a whole lot of thought and consideration to make sure it is the best decision for yourself

you cannot heal unless you make peace with yourself. yours is one case where, if what you have told us is true (and i am not doubting it, just not peeing in your pocket), then you were not to blame. circumstances gave you virtually no choice in the matter and most probably clouded your potential judgement in the actual attempt

 

[FadingSnowFake]

You must be in so much pain, truly sorry for everything that happened and what is happening now. I'm glad you are part of this community where we can share what we cannot share irl. You are strong for having gone through so much and you are in my thoughts. Sending love.

 

[11April]

A very sad story. Jumping from a height is a really bad method. I'm sorry it happened. I hope you find peace, one way or another.

 

[fightclub17]

you cannot heal unless you make peace with yourself.

Thank you for saying that and for taking the time to write it out. I know you're trying to help me see it with more compassion, and that means a lot.

I'm still struggling with a lot of guilt and shame about everything that happened. My mind keeps going back and forth between blaming myself and trying to understand how things got so out of control. It's hard to reconcile that with the person I was before all of this.

But hearing someone say I'm not a 'monster' and that I deserve some understanding does help more than you probably realise. It's just hard when everyone's turned against me. I'm trying to learn how to make peace with myself, it's such a stigmatised thing that I feel alienated from society. Truly, people on this forum are so empathic, it just sucks I didn't get that irl.

If I ever ctb again, which sadly I am considering - it will be thoroughly researched.

You must be in so much pain, truly sorry for everything that happened and what is happening now. I'm glad you are part of this community where we can share what we cannot share irl. You are strong for having gone through so much and you are in my thoughts. Sending love.

Thank you sm. I am in chronic physical and mental anguish. People on this forum are absolute angels ️

A very sad story. Jumping from a height is a really bad method. I'm sorry it happened. I hope you find peace, one way or another.

Horrible method. SO STUPID.

 

[wine is fine but]

Thank you for saying that and for taking the time to write it out. I know you're trying to help me see it with more compassion, and that means a lot

you are welcome. hopefully it can help you feel better, even, if just a for a second or two. also thank you for your replies. they fill my eyes with tears, but the courage you have shown to keep replying to randoms makes you even more of an inspiration

I'm still struggling with a lot of guilt and shame about everything that happened. My mind keeps going back and forth between blaming myself and trying to understand how things got so out of control. It's hard to reconcile that with the person I was before all of this

that is totally understandable. the human brain, while being an awesome piece of engineering, like anything can be a double edged sword. it can be amazing and help us through anything, yet it has a horrible habit of going from positive to negative and back again, but sadly, once it knows about the negative zone, it is hard to stop it from re-entering it. any ridiculous little thing can trigger it, but your situation would be like having it chained fully in the depths of negative. sadly, being a person who would never had looked at this forum before, to how you are now makes it so much more difficult to reconcile. the emotional roller coaster would be over whelming, however, you were not to blame, and i know that means virtually nothing to you, due to the physical and mental anguish you feel, plus the fact the human mind dwells on the negative, but hopefully one day your mind can somehow start heading over into the positive thought side

But hearing someone say I'm not a 'monster' and that I deserve some understanding does help more than you probably realise. It's just hard when everyone's turned against me. I'm trying to learn how to make peace with myself, it's such a stigmatised thing that I feel alienated from society. Truly, people on this forum are so empathic, it just sucks I didn't get that irl

i hope so, because "you" did not do it to yourself. no one deserves what you are going through, even if it was self inflicted, but you did not inflict your injuries onto yourself. in your situation, if you had killed someone else instead of jumping, the law most probably would not have held you accountable, so hopefully you can come to truly believe that it was not your fault

i am not going to bombard your in box, but if you wish to have someone to talk to, you can pm me. it is a pity that we cannot take turns to accompany you to your rehabilitation sessions, just to let you know that you are not alone. hopefully you can somehow sense this and it makes your situation just a little less negative

 

[letmegetout]

You are absolutely not a monster. I find it sad that you are left with so much guilt and shame, hindsight is a wonderful thing and if you knew all of this was to come you wouldn't have done it, but you didn't. Try to be kind to yourself, remind yourself that you didn't jump and cause these injuries for any reason other than to try and escape the torture inside your head. That in itself tells you how much agony you were in. None of this is your fault. You deserve care and compassion.
Mental illness is viewed by many people so differently to physical and it shouldn't be. If these injures occurred because of a car crash or something else completely out of your control you wouldn't be beating yourself up. Just because your brain was unwell it doesn't mean you are to blame. You deserve the same care and kindness if not more.

 

[fadedghost]

It did get infected, and sometimes due to complications bones don't unify. Two main reasons for amputation.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[bellaisdonewithlife]

This is horrific. I'm sorry to hear about all this. I'm sad and angry that a lot of people don't get to have better lives and they end up suicidal. I hate that life can be so cruel for so many.

 

[Harrier]

Terrifying. So sorry this happened to you... it's really incredible what the human body is capable of. Trying to save itself, against your own will.

I hope you'll find your way from this mess

It is like our brains our trapped in these bodies. Our brains tell us we need to die, but our bodies fight to live. It is absurd. Why can't we tell our body what to do? If we can think we are better off non-existing, why does SI exist? SI? Evolution? I wish I knew.

 

[NeverHis]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And you absolutely deserve more love and care than you've gotten so far in life.

But sadly, this shows how random heights are. I know a guy who died jumping from the 8th floor, another who survived from the 9th and there was a story on the news about a lady who died from the 2nd. Granted she was old and frail, but still...

 

[SadCryingBunny]

I jumped 8 stories and survived. I woke up after a week coma, spent 3 months in hospital/rehab. I have life altering injures and scars. Everyone asks me what happened to me. I'm a walking (barely) failure and my trauma is visible, and will be for the rest of my life! I have lost friends and family. My reputation is tainted. I can't work. My husband wants a divorce. I've been forced to move into my parent's house and they physically abused me last night. I wish I fucking died!!!

Hopefully sharing my story stops someone from considering jumping as their method.

Can't you file for disability due to your injuries and get government payments. Here in Australia we have Centrelink.

 

[chudcell]

non-existence would be perfect. Sorry that you have to go through these struggles, I imagine it's unbearable

 

[mechanician]

Your story is incredibly heartbreaking, I'm so sorry </3

Do you think there is there some way you can access MAID? This is such a horrible and traumatic way to live I wouldn't be able to endure that myself, honestly. You're a lot braver than I am, but there comes a point where your QoL is too low for it to be moral by any standard to force you to keep living.

 

[IThirst4Freedom]

I am sending love your way. I am so sorry things did not go as planned but the fact you even did that tells me you are a very strong person, much stronger then me
for sure! I hope you continue to heal properly and find peace.

 

[fightclub17]

Can't you file for disability due to your injuries and get government payments. Here in Australia we have Centrelink.

I've been trying to contact centrelink for months. I think I just need to go in and visit them. Their call centre is impossible to reach.

Your story is incredibly heartbreaking, I'm so sorry </3

Do you think there is there some way you can access MAID? This is such a horrible and traumatic way to live I wouldn't be able to endure that myself, honestly. You're a lot braver than I am, but there comes a point where your QoL is too low for it to be moral by any standard to force you to keep living.

Thank you for your kind words. To be elligible for VAD you need to have a terminal illness. They won't accept me because I'm injured and traumatised.

I am sending love your way. I am so sorry things did not go as planned but the fact you even did that tells me you are a very strong person, much stronger then me
for sure! I hope you continue to heal properly and find peace.

Thank you. I honestly feel so broken and lost, these flashbacks are so intense. Tbh I have the means to end it, but I'm scared of another failed attempt.

 

[aallsskksskk]

It is like our brains our trapped in these bodies. Our brains tell us we need to die, but our bodies fight to live. It is absurd. Why can't we tell our body what to do? If we can think we are better off non-existing, why does SI exist? SI? Evolution? I wish I knew.

Basic evolution, unfortunately. Nerves and their pain mechanism is what keeps the world going. But sadly when the world decides to try and block ctb methods that are painless, it doesn't necessarily stop ctb, but instead raises the bar for suffering. What a cruel world...

 

[Moodz]

I am sorry for what happened to you and what you are going through. Personally, I think that CTB by jumping can be very effective, but I would only consider doing it from heights of around 100-150 meters (330-500 feet). I am sure lots of people cbt'ed from heights way below this, but well, anything below this seems to be too risky and I think your failed attempt illustrates this and might help people to reconsider. I wish you all the best.

 

[SadCryingBunny]

I've been trying to contact centrelink for months. I think I just need to go in and visit them. Their call centre is impossible to reach.

Thank you for your kind words. To be elligible for VAD you need to have a terminal illness. They won't accept me because I'm injured and traumatised.

Thank you. I honestly feel so broken and lost, these flashbacks are so intense. Tbh I have the means to end it, but I'm scared of another failed attempt.

Have someone take you in and apply for job seeker first. You will start getting monthly payments that will support you. Then you can try to apply for the full disability pension. You're an amputee. Your situation is disastrous from a suicide attempt. All the best.