Story I join the ranks

[InTheDarkAlone]

Hello,

Not sure how to proceed, so I'll just talk about why I'm here. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've never been in control of my life. People have hated me, regarded me as dangerous or evil, always marked me out for one reason or another. Regardless of this I managed to eek out a pathetic existence, took a job helping people, even found what I thought were friends. I was not a good person then either. Depressed, drinking and angry. I took it out on everyone.

It was all a lie, and I fell for it. Over the years my job turned sour, I withdrew into social reclusion, my friends proved themselves fake, they ruined my reputation with a rumor that you don't come back from. Eventually my path toward self destruction came to a head and I lost the pathetic life I had put together. No job, no home, no car, no family, no friends, no significant other, basically nothing. Tried CTB twice and failed. Forced to move back home, my mother began playing her narcissistic games. She still does, but it doesn't bother me. Stopped feeling deeply when I was a kid. Just feed her a line and keep on.

I thought I would rebuild, start again, but people are people, and I see that the only way forward is ending. I'm in my thirties, past my prime, wasted life, nowhere to go, nothing happy on the horizon. No life to have, you know?

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, InTheDark. Sorry to hear that you're in such an awful place right now, though I suppose it's to be expected. You probably wouldn't be here if you weren't. I'd like to be the first to welcome you to this community. I think you'll find there's a lot of people here who understand where you're coming from.

To hear you describe it, it doesn't sound like you really have anyone you can talk to or identify with right now. That sort of isolation is honestly one of the worst states a person can find themselves in. As much as human beings can be awful sometimes, we still need them. Everyone needs human connection in some form, even the extremely depressed and suicidal. I'm fairly certain you can probably testify to the fact that not having anyone you can trust or confide in...it sucks. And it hurts, at least until you become too numb to feel anything at all.

I think this is ultimately why places like this need to exist. Pretty much everyone here has some experience with being hurt, abandoned, or manipulated by other human beings. It's a very common thing for people who end up here to experience. If you decide to stick around for a little while, perhaps you'll find a few people on this site who can give you a little of that honest connection that the real world has clearly failed to provide. And if you decide that ending really is your way forward, there are people here who can help with that too.

Welcome to the forum, friend. Hope to see you around.

 

[Valky]

Welcome to SaSu!
Not glad to see you.

I am sorry for your suffering. I wish life could be easier on you.
Nonetheless, I hope that you will find what you are looking for here :)
Whether that is a method or just people to talk to, that will understand you.

It sucks to hear that your mother is the way she is. I really hope that things get better for you. And fuck your 'friends'.

May I ask why people see you as dangerous?

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

Not sure how to proceed, so I'll just talk about why I'm here. I'll try to keep it brief.

I've never been in control of my life. People have hated me, regarded me as dangerous or evil, always marked me out for one reason or another. Regardless of this I managed to eek out a pathetic existence, took a job helping people, even found what I thought were friends. I was not a good person then either. Depressed, drinking and angry. I took it out on everyone.

It was all a lie, and I fell for it. Over the years my job turned sour, I withdrew into social reclusion, my friends proved themselves fake, they ruined my reputation with a rumor that you don't come back from. Eventually my path toward self destruction came to a head and I lost the pathetic life I had put together. No job, no home, no car, no family, no friends, no significant other, basically nothing. Tried CTB twice and failed. Forced to move back home, my mother began playing her narcissistic games. She still does, but it doesn't bother me. Stopped feeling deeply when I was a kid. Just feed her a line and keep on.

I thought I would rebuild, start again, but people are people, and I see that the only way forward is ending. I'm in my thirties, past my prime, wasted life, nowhere to go, nothing happy on the horizon. No life to have, you know?

Hello @InTheDarkAlone,
I'm so sorry to hear your story.
Feeling like you are going to drown?
I guess it's like purgatory.

Here you'll find people who listen to you
Without a self-righteous shout.
Here you'll find support which is true,
And even the ultimate way out.

I'm a bit late here so I think this is what @Seven Threads said but I wish you the best, too

If you decide to stick around for a little while, perhaps you'll find a few people on this site who can give you a little of that honest connection that the real world has clearly failed to provide.

I was amazed how compassionate people are here. They'll "suffer together" with you in an attempt to make your life a bit less unbearable.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've been through, it's true that you certainly cannot trust humans in this world, it's horrible how humans very often just create more suffering. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[InTheDarkAlone]

Welcome to SaSu!
Not glad to see you.

I am sorry for your suffering. I wish life could be easier on you.
Nonetheless, I hope that you will find what you are looking for here :)
Whether that is a method or just people to talk to, that will understand you.

It sucks to hear that your mother is the way she is. I really hope that things get better for you. And fuck your 'friends'.

May I ask why people see you as dangerous?

I'm a big dude, direct, non-expressive, it's just a label people have gravitated towards with me.

Hey there, InTheDark. Sorry to hear that you're in such an awful place right now, though I suppose it's to be expected. You probably wouldn't be here if you weren't. I'd like to be the first to welcome you to this community. I think you'll find there's a lot of people here who understand where you're coming from.

To hear you describe it, it doesn't sound like you really have anyone you can talk to or identify with right now. That sort of isolation is honestly one of the worst states a person can find themselves in. As much as human beings can be awful sometimes, we still need them. Everyone needs human connection in some form, even the extremely depressed and suicidal. I'm fairly certain you can probably testify to the fact that not having anyone you can trust or confide in...it sucks. And it hurts, at least until you become too numb to feel anything at all.

I think this is ultimately why places like this need to exist. Pretty much everyone here has some experience with being hurt, abandoned, or manipulated by other human beings. It's a very common thing for people who end up here to experience. If you decide to stick around for a little while, perhaps you'll find a few people on this site who can give you a little of that honest connection that the real world has clearly failed to provide. And if you decide that ending really is your way forward, there are people here who can help with that too.

Welcome to the forum, friend. Hope to see you around.

Thank you and to all the others, I have to plan yet, so I'll be around for a bit. It feels weird and relieving to be so open when I'm not in outside life, but I'm glad to be here.