Venting I hurt her and idk if I can forgive myself

[TheShadowKing]

We finally had our final conversation after me ghosting her for months and she hated me as expected but I mean what did she expect she played with my feelings and tried to make me be friends with her when I didn't want to anymore but I didn't think her therapy sessions would be extended by a hour solely because of me and I still follow her spam and just seeing how she's taking all of this makes me feel like absolute shit but she is the reason I attempted to CTB last year and the main reason I still want to now I can't force myself to be friends for her sake cause even thought all I want is for her to be happy in life I have to put myself first eventually this whole conversation has made we want to relapse on drugs again I already started smoking nicotine again today cause I was too stressed and and couldn't deal with this
Sometimes I wish she never came up to me for both of our sakes