I hurt and I'm slowly getting into.more pain and losing my thoughts

[Tintypographer]

I hurt. I have cancer and have decided the best way to pass away is not to treat it. It is head and neck cancer. I was diagnosed nearly 9 months ago and I'm starting to feel bad.

I have always hated cognitive therapy. The idea of simply making a miserable existence better by just thinking about it is sort of like HR telling employees there are no raises or promotions but you can feel better by seeing the joys in your job.

I don't want to live the way I lived the last 30 years and I want that back. I regret nearly my whole life since college.

I completely understand that little things can mean a lot and who hasn't heard of the butterfly effect and there are always stories of Jimmy Stewart in it's a wonderful life there to provide a happy ending. What I get caught up in is that those marvelous sayings and thoughts are a special pleading. As though something good will happen if you just believe. Like the basketball team town by 40 with 8 seconds left on the clock simply believing when I know that quitters never win won't make a difference. It is true that the opposing team couldnforget how to play, we inbound every single upcoming play in a half second for three points in 15 straight shots without any defense or any break and yes "we can win this thing"

That's the same thing as "even though you vasted your life, are 50 something, hate your career, live in a pit, have spoiled children and a spouse with a personality disorder and cancer, your best years weren't in your 20s in college, trust me, they are yet to come in your decrepit old age, just believe!".

I so hate hate hate cognitive reframing. The whole lemons vs lemonade isn't what I want. I don't want to think positive and clean my dishes as a success in my day. Yes I can do this and see that I accomplished something. I've accomplished many things and here I am having all the positive impact of a combination IRS auditor, prosecuting attorney and mortician. I tell the therapists to not tell me to think of the future. I want to either correct the past of be done.

Here are my cognitive thoughts: I want the Nobel prize by age 30. I'd like to not ever have to deal with bureaucratic crap at work for any reason at all. I want to skip meetings and have people say "you know what, let's just get this done without him telling us what to do." I want to have selected a different path for my life other than getting married and recover all the time I lost. I want to stop being a completely overqualified overpaid person who produces things that justify complete garbage because the sompany has regulatory crap they are required to fulfill that in reality no one cares about. I want to win an x games skatenoard medal next year. I want to drop out of sight completely without any contact with anyone and no way to trace of find me and work as a ski lift operator and never come back to any part of my life again.

There is a list of what would definitely make me happy. I can add more. Become an astronaut. Sink the game winning 3 pointer in the NCAA final game.

I do not want to:
Reframe my goals
Lean into change
Accept myself for who I am
Be my best self
Accept that life has problems and we have to be happy with the daisies and little things in life.


That's not what I want, the very thought of it is depressing to me and I'm so sick of caring. I don't care about money. I can tell everyone that being overpaid and over educated doesn't lead to any happiness. It leads you to justify crap all day long while people bring you lame problems to solve because they promised someone somehting and don't want to upset them over that promise. Having a spouse doesn't bring happiness espefially when that spouse has a personality disorder, has a problem with hoarding and anger and doesn't like to engage or talk to you.

I do wish it would all change. I would love it. I'm totally willing to change and work harder. Hell, I've worked hard for a long time. No problem taking a new class or solving something new or reading a book or writing. I've changed careers twice, I was in college for 12 years, but when I speak of change I want to reclaim everything back. I don't want to have lived this hell. And I don't want to feel like my entire life is a waste.

 

[Galileo3630]

I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis and the pain you are experiencing. It's understandable that you feel frustrated with the idea of cognitive therapy and reframing your thoughts. It sounds like you have a clear idea of what you want and what would make you happy.

While it may not be possible to change the past, you can still focus on achieving your goals and making the most of the time you have left. You mentioned wanting to reclaim everything back - perhaps you can try to identify specific actions you can take towards achieving that, whether it's pursuing a new hobby, reconnecting with old friends, or even just taking time for yourself to reflect and process. It's also important to acknowledge and process your emotions, including the regret you feel about your past. This can be a difficult and painful process.

Ultimately, it's your life and your choice how you want to approach it. It's okay to not want to reframe your thoughts or focus on the little things. It's okay to have big goals and dreams, even if they may not be achievable. Just remember to take care of yourself and seek support when you need it.

 

[downndone2]

I'm sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I do hope you may move forward and achieve some progress moving forward. Feel free to pm me if you need a pal

 

[sadjenny]

To some degree, I empathize with therapists. They reach into their bag of mental tricks and hope one of them will make us less miserable. More able to go on day in and day out suffering as faceless cogs. And while I hope some people find a measure of comfort in trickery like CBT and DBT, it really is a dystopian field. Even worse is the cult of 12 step!

It's just this world that is doomed. And we're all trying to survive in a sinking ship...

I wish fate had aligned to make you an astronaut. It would have been amazing to look up at night and know I had a friend among the stars.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least to me therapy is certainly a scam in this world where having negative feelings towards existence is very much logical. All those people who push their positivity onto others are certainly in denail, I see no benefit to existing in this chaotic world where people suffer all through no fault of their own where all that lies ahead is decay and loss.

 

[Tintypographer]

We read great statements like "I control my destiny" "I am the master of my fate" but are we really? Say your only goal in life was to be the greatest painter ever (not my goal) and you are woefully bad at painting. Are you really the master of your fate? Or are you the master only in so far as you can choose what you get to feel good or bad about? You can't choose tomorrow to run a 10 second 100 meter race or play Chopin without an error. A few people can but not of they havemt practiced for many years. And those aren't the only parts. I'm not actually complaining about where I am in regards to things that can be practiced. If you look back at your life at age 50 and have 30 years of it and you're dying how do you get the time back to redo it? And will it even matter 500 years from now?