I hope my beloved can be happy without me

[anoyoikinobasu]

I'm in a sort of impasse. I am not starved or deprived of basic needs, and I couldn't ask for anything more than this. I eat as much as I want, whenever I want. I have the option to choose to rot in bed and feel sorry for myself, to let the minutes and hours pass in an unproductive deadlock I am sure to regret terribly after. I have a phone and internet access, the option to interact with the people I've known through the internet, and the loveliest boyfriend I am certain is miraculously blessed to an undeserving specimen such as myself. If the Earth dies and hell inevitably devours this wretched place, I want my last moments to be spent with him. He is my lifeline, my anchor, my eternity and an angel from some utopian existence dressed in mortal skin. I don't need anything else, want no one else, and don't care for anyone else—should he experience whatever kind of death my soul dies with him.

And yet a feeling of persistent restlessness, from the premonition that this quasi-happiness only exists temporarily and can easily be crushed at any moment looms over me like a gray raincloud about to pour over but never does. Watching it hang over the sky like some silent, vengeful apparition—a meteorological stalemate of sorts—makes me dread a massive tempest that wreaks destruction in its path, even though nothing is happening. Were that storm to come to pass, I am not sure how I can live any longer knowing it seized what was mine from me. I can't live knowing that the next moment I feel unbridled joy is a temporary luxury that'll disappear like a beautiful daydream, pretty in an instant only for the world to dim and appear unsightly once more when it fades. I can't take another crushing of my soul once again.

I'm writing this little piece in my bed, lamenting a kind of spiritual crucifixion. My body is very much alive, yet my spirit feels nailed to a cross of hatred, spite, bitterness, and resignation. Of why's that'll never be answered. Of a ravenous starvation of the spirit that can't be satisfied by anything.

I don't want to be happy.

How beautiful would the world be, if happiness was a priceless thing?

But it isn't.

If to feel the crushing weight of living afterwards is the price of an uncertain, temporary happiness, is that the way of life, or is this 'joy' an ironic mockery of you, as if it knows you'll bite that delicious bait like fish in the water only for it to be yanked away the moment your mouth clasps around it?

Not that it matters, right? Everything is so, so futile. My body survives but my will to live died the day I attempted to CTB. Every day I live, every morning I wake up to, feels like an extension to the day I should've died. If I die by some accident or whatever means then that's just what's supposed to happen coming to pass. I won't fight it—hell, I'll even welcome it. Passivity is the choice I've made, and how fucking freeing it feels to accept whatever fate has in store for me.

It's destroying me that he cares so much. Promises of 'it'll get better' and 'you'll be happy'—I know my beloved means well, but I don't want to be happy at all. If this pain and crucifixion is the price of happiness, then I don't want it.

I'm glad to have gotten to know him, that maybe in some beautiful alternate reality this is the man I'll be happy with until the fulfillment makes me sick.

I love him so much. I'm also sorry that the breadth of his love wasn't enough to wrestle me out of this limbo.

I hope that when my final decision is to CTB, that he'll find someone else to fill the abyss in his heart I've left.

I hope he can be happy and be at peace even without me.

 

[Jadeith]

I hope he can be happy and be at peace even without me.

I'm sorry you have go through such state. Esp since it's very similar to mine and i wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
But please, do not delude yourself. If he cares, and from what you presented here i gather he cares very much, then he will suffer greatly. Emotional damage, sense of failure, loss and emptiness will become his crushing weight he will have to carry to the end of his days.
He might find someone afterwards but gaping hole you will leave in his soul will never be closed.
It's not guilt trip attempt mind you. It's just how humans work, at least those loving ones.

 

[anoyoikinobasu]

I'm sorry you have go through such state. Esp since it's very similar to mine and i wouldn't wish that upon anyone.
But please, do not delude yourself. If he cares, and from what you presented here i gather he cares very much, then he will suffer greatly. Emotional damage, sense of failure, loss and emptiness will become his crushing weight he will have to carry to the end of his days.
He might find someone afterwards but gaping hole you will leave in his soul will never be closed.
It's not guilt trip attempt mind you. It's just how humans work, at least those loving ones.

Thank you for this. I'm sorry too that you are going through such a difficult state as well, of being conflicted between wanting to stay and wanting to CTB because of the pain.

I feel it screams ungrateful of me, that a lot of people in SaSu are going through genuinely hopeless situations while I'm here paralyzed and agonizing whether to live or die when I'm objectively one of the 'luckier ones.' I'm aware that pain is not a point of comparison, especially not the psychological kind, but I must confess my dilemma feels a little asinine when there are so much more people going through situations more torturous than mine. I don't intend to throw a pity party here, this feeling simply helps me connect and sympathize with other human beings more, something I've struggled to do ever since.

Your reply is sobering, and helped me understand the kind of decision I am making and will make. Thank you for this, genuinely, and I hope you're in a less difficult spot now, if any of my hope can be of help.

 

[Jadeith]

I feel it screams ungrateful of me

From what i observe, that's quite popular feeling here: "what am i doing here, others have it so much worse, my reasons feel so pathetic compared to their situations".
TBH such mindset was a part of me too, even before i joined SaSu. I'm "the lucky one". Got many things others do not have. But then i realized - that's not a bloody competition. Every reason is valid for someone. Some live with chronic pain, some were neglected, abused or feel unloved. Some are heartbroken, hate themselves or being crushed by financial problems. Who is to judge if one reason is more "worthy" than other? Definitely not me. You face a problem. One you cannot find solution to. It destroys you and the only way out you see is to end your existence. Is there another, less lethal exit? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know you or your situation or your feelings. I can only assume some things, given the description you provided. But one thing i can say for sure. Whatever your reasons are, guilt because others (in your opinion) have it worse should not be one of them. Your reasons are as valid as anyone else's here and you shouldn't feel worse or unworthy because of them.