Venting i hope it hurts

[16thsatirist]

i barely remember anything good from my life, or anything bad.

i don't remember much of anything, honestly. a few core memories, but it strains me to try and think of them. i don't remember anything from my ex, i don't remember my childhood, i can barely even think about who i am as a person. and honestly? i prefer it that way.

when i do ctb, i don't think i'd like to leave peacefully. i struggled through my whole life, i struggle every single day, and i may continue to in the future. i want to go in pain, i want every single part of my body aching and screaming, every nerve pinched, every muscle cramping, every sore bleeding. i don't want the experience that i had to feel like it amounted to nothing, i want to feel that final struggle before it all stops.

realistically, maybe being in peace may be nice, but i want a reminder of why i'm doing this in the first place, and i want it shoved in my face. if i just go peacefully, it'll feel like i just let what i worked so hard in the past to avoid take me with no struggle at all.

as someone who wants to ctb, i wish i didn't have to. i wish i didn't want to. but i do, and treatment resistance is the worst feeling i've felt in a while.

maybe this is just my own weird worldview, but i hope someone can somewhat relate.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

... i want to feel that final struggle before it all stops. ...

I'm like this too. I've adapted to enjoy, even crave, pain and discomfort (mental, emotional, physical). It's reality and it's my natural state. And I want to feel it all on the way out.

 

[9137890]

I see this the same. For me it is not much important to die in pain or not (realistically this is something which almost everyone can not choose bye the way), it is important to die in pride and self confident.

 

[Hollowman]

I have memory problems too. What caused yours?

 

[forgivemegod]

I just hope I really die when i attempt it, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not anymore. My only concern is staying alive and have organ damage, that kind of thing

 

[16thsatirist]

I have memory problems too. What caused yours?

no clue, actually. i think it may be because i've had the most stressful time of my life over the past few months + use of clonazepam to try and help

 

[16thsatirist]

I just hope I really die when i attempt it, it doesn't matter if it hurts or not anymore. My only concern is staying alive and have organ damage, that kind of thing

oh man i understand this too well. that's honestly my biggest fear is living. research is key, i suppose

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I'm like this too. I've adapted to enjoy, even crave, pain and discomfort (mental, emotional, physical). It's reality and it's my natural state. And I want to feel it all on the way out.

Agreed..