I hope I have a brain tumor.

[Phosphophyllite]

I've been showing some symptoms for quite a while and I'm seeing a neurologist soon. I'm genuinely excited at the thought of having an incurable tumor that'll kill me in a few months. I already have SN and a diagnosis would be the final push to leave this world. My life was always a perfect storm, so brain cancer would be a cathartic end, honestly.

The downside, though, is if I actually have a terminal illness, then it means I never even had a chance. Even if I wasn't retraumatized in the middle of my recovery a few months ago and I was successful, I would've died anyways. In the end, I would've suffered no matter what. But that doesn't matter anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, life is just suffering and it is very unfair. Some people do have no chance. That is why I see it as better to never exist in the first place. I hope you find the peace you are looking for. I think I would be glad if I had a tumour personally. The one thing I want is to be free from this world.

 

[forgotten15]

I feel you. Even if i know i am lucky to not have health problems I sometimes wish i got some sort of deadly disease like cancer so then I would be sure death is coming soon, so I don't have to torment myself anymore with trying to ctb and overcoming fear& SI

 

[Zzzzz]

There is definitely a part of me that would feel incredibly relieved if I got cancer. Even if it's painful, I wouldn't have to worry about suicide anymore. I could finally die and be done with it all.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I feel like I need some help understanding the mindset here. I am not judging at all, just curious. Why do you guys feel like you need a known "death sentence" in order to commit suicide? Isn't one of the major reasons wanting to commit suicide typically knowing that years of suffering are going to follow?

 

[Zzzzz]

I feel like I need some help understanding the mindset here. I am not judging at all, just curious. Why do you guys feel like you need a known "death sentence" in order to commit suicide? Isn't one of the major reasons wanting to commit suicide typically knowing that years of suffering are going to follow?

I think the simplest answer is that even if a person is suffering greatly, SI can be almost impossible to overcome. Having an incurable terminal illness would grant someone's "wish" of death regardless of their survival instinct. So in a way even cancer might be a mercy to someone who perhaps is likely to continue suffering for much much longer due to their inability to overcome SI. It might be the difference between 5 more years of suffering or 15.

 

[Buffy5120]

There is definitely a part of me that would feel incredibly relieved if I got cancer. Even if it's painful, I wouldn't have to worry about suicide anymore. I could finally die and be done with it all.

same but I dont want to go through the pain I want to end it before I get to that point. Im at risk for cancer too.

 

[Phosphophyllite]

I think the simplest answer is that even if a person is suffering greatly, SI can be almost impossible to overcome. Having an incurable terminal illness would grant someone's "wish" of death regardless of their survival instinct. So in a way even cancer might be a mercy to someone who perhaps is likely to continue suffering for much much longer due to their inability to overcome SI. It might be the difference between 5 more years of suffering or 15.

Not only that, but if I do have cancer, everyone will think I committed suicide only because of the diagnosis. My family knows I had a horrible experience with terminal illness before, so they should know I don't want to die that way. I feel like it would be less hard on them than if I committed suicide without a diagnosis.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Not only that, but if I do have cancer, everyone will think I committed suicide only because of the diagnosis. My family knows I had a horrible experience with terminal illness before, so they should know I don't want to die that way. I feel like it would be less hard on them than if I committed suicide without a diagnosis.

That makes sense.